Normal life here I come

Hopefully I get there.

I want a normal life! That's my goal now. To live like a normal well-balanced person.

Though I must keep my meal plan separate and steady. I can live like a normal person, but my meal plan is set. It's my medication.

I really hope I can land that job at Spencer's. I have an interview today!

It sounds like it won't be a lot of hours, which is nice. It won't overwhelm me hopefully and just give me extra cash and structured time.

I didn't reach 2hours yesterday! WOW! I KNOW!

I only walked about 95mins. I had the chance to walk more since I was home alone last night but I didn't. And I added an extra starch with snack because I knew I didn't have quite enough at dinner.

I feel not so pressured now. When Sunny said I could walk 2 hrs a day before, I took that as a should. Haha. I know. I felt that 2hours a day was the only way that i wouldn't gain a whole bunch. But now, with my upped meal plan and the decreased walking I know I will gain and that it's because of the protein bars, the cut on walking and the increased meal plan.

I do want to gain weight, but only when I know it's from extra then what I'd usually eat if I could control my food and walking. I always freak out about gaining if I didn't have a scapegoat. Something to blame for the weight gain. When I don't I end up not trusting my body and metabolism. I feel that my body will always gain due to my appetite and metabolism. I just feel more at ease being able to have the supplements to excuse the weight increase. It's as though saying that it's their fault, not mine.

So I must stay aware with my eating and exercise. I need to remind myself that if I do restrict it'll only hurt me in the long run because if I do gain when I know that I am not enough or exercising too much, I'll turn against my body and think that I need to over-control it just to maintain and not always, always gain.

I will gain weight because:

1- My weight is low, thus it needs less calories to maintain.

2- I take protein bars which add at least 500 calories a day extra then what I'd usually eat.

3- The decreased walking.

4- The increased meal plan. I wouldn't usually eat so much at every meal. I'd have a fruit instead of a starch, or not as many starches or fats. But I can't do that now, right now I need the extra foods.

I am in control of my appetite. Though I don't need to be. Listening to my wants and my appetite will not lead me to gain forever, espeically at a normal, healthy weight. My weight is so low now, that it requires less calories then my goal weight.

Another goal today is to:

Have complete fruit with noon snack. At lunch I'll have 1/2 banana. And a 1/2 apple with noon snack equaling one full fruit.

For my p.m. snack I will have: Apple, and raisins.

I do feel in a better spot now though. I think the site of the weight loss made me aware yet again that I do need extra food then what I'd usually eat to gain. It was reassurance that my body wasn't completely fucked up and that I need to put extra effort into eating more to gain because I want to gain and thus I need to eat more.

110 pounds is not fat. It's still thin. I will always be healthy and will always exercise and will always be eat accordingly.

I know the exercise I 'should-ed' myself, was me still holding on to the ed in one way or another. To feel in control.