affirmations

I know people are attracted to me becuase I am confident and charismatic. Everyone I speak to aways ackowledges my charm and intrigue.
The people I admire are ms. watts. my 8thh grade english teacher., she was so energetic in her own quiet nature. she illuminated with love and kindness.
I see myself as someone who is strong and magnetic. a woman who holds her own and is acceptive of herself. I know I can attract others with my strengths and charactoristics no matter what weight im at. actually i think i will look more self empowered and strong if I was heavier. I dont listen to external lies from magazies and Im learning to distinguish the difference between my negative thoughts and my positive ones.
I am a woman who is very capable, and the negative thoughts and anxieties are only old fears which have grown habitual in the throws of my disorder, which is not apart of my identity any longer.
i am a normal student who works hard to achieve her goals., i know I can inspire people. i know I give off a positive energy that leaves people feeling curious and interested in getting to know me.

well me and the older guy were suppose to go out. smoke at the cafe and then enjoy a night at chuckee cheese and catch a movie.
i was very excited but he just called to tell me to reschedule. i have never been reschelduled.
im dissapointed its not happening tonight, but perhaps Im reading too much into it. its alright. Tomorrow i hope pans out. i was really looking forward to it.
SO to pass the time I am now going out with trevor to watch a movie. to be honest tho im tired of just sitting and watching movies. maybe he would be down to go to starbucks and chat. or to the elbow room. i like to atleast have some sort of night life that extends past movie watching.
i enjoy sitting in bars or cafes and talking. we will see.

coffee shop

i walked into the coffee shop that I had always ventured on lonely days. I'd seen him before and never really noticed him from behind the barista station. It was dead inside the cafe, silent. The occasional frothing of milk and clinging of dishes. He was keeping up on his prep for the day.

Before I left that day I told myself id meet someone who would interest me. I have been praying to God for him to bring someone into my life that is good and interesting. Keep my mind intriqued and occupied before my classes at the city college started the following week.
I forget how the conversation between us started but I remember being at the magazine stack sifting thru the papers in order to stall myself for sake of the possibility where conversation would ignite. I usually read while I smoke my cigarette outside the cafe while drinking my regular drink. Which he already had prepared before i ordered it. It was obvious he remembered me.

"So its pretty slow then huh?" I said. Looking thru the magazine covers acting half interested.
"Yeah, its always slow. I wish it was more busy but business is generally slow after lunch passes."
He said this accompaning a joke. A funny joke. He has a sense of humor. I dont recall the joke but it did make me laugh out loud. He was outgoing and extroverted naturally. Down to earth though. Not over powering.

I walked over to the bar where emptied stools were set out. We continued to small talk.
He was originally from the bay area. He Grew up there and then moved to maine with his gf. He lived there for 7 years while being the bar manager for varius fine dining restuarants. After his gf and him moved back to san fran where he bartended and managed the bar at the very pretitgous Polotimos Social club in the Polotimos park. He and her lived in a very posh apt, which was mainly supoprted by her rich father back in Maine. she was in marketing and soon he landed her a job at the restuarant as a server and the marketing director. Supposedly he made about 90k a year before taxes.
Soon though he became unhappy in his relationship with his gf and broke it off. Which is when he impulsively moved back to fresno last year, with his family in order to start anew and take a break from his over controlling ex. Once he got here, he vowed to move back to Sna fran first chance he got. Since then he has been the barista at PLanet Java in which i regularrly visit on my leisure days when i have nothing else to entice my time.

The afternoon passed with entertaining talks and jokes. He bummed a cigarette from me and we talked with the occasional regularrs that wondered in and out of the cafe.
I cant recall every topic we explored but I was never bored nor uncomfterable. for some reason I always am confident when speaking with men. I know what to say and how to say it. I knew i was wheeling him in. Im not overly cocky but I do feel somewhat guilty for admitting I have become accustomed to naturally attracting mens interests. Even if I dont ever consider to potentially share the alchemy.
But as I left the cafe about 4 hours after I arrived I felt a certain spark in which I was looking forward to the movie we planned on seeing the following day. He would pay and we would text me with the details and movie times. I walked back home with a sense of astonishment for what i was doing. I-18, he twicec my age. How slutty, or atleast strange. I wouldnt felt this way if he was closer to my age. But the sociology of our culture has of course embedded the notion hanging time with older men in such a way would be gross or uneccaptable. Feeling half guilty and half proud I anxiously awaited for his text. Which came an hour later. He obviously felt the same.

older men?

so i have been hanging with a guy nearly twice my age. i am 18.
when i first met him i figured he was late twenties, early 30's. but after we started talking our ages came to a surprise to both of us. he thought I was mid twenties.
We have hung out a few times and I really enjoy his company, and he does enjoy mine from what i can tell.
I have always been interested in dating older men, or having atleast a fling with one. Im so curious and I kinda am just seeing if I have the ability to take any potential we might have to the next step. Im not considering sex with him, but I would be down for kissing or holding hands.
I feel rather frivilous with this decision Im making but as well feel its just the sociology of it. Men dating a younger girl, is often looked down on. am I just interested for the sake of pushing social norms?
Am I just curious and willing to explore the mystery and excitement of an older guy?
Who knows,
but Im willing to pursue something with him, if its romantic or not.
My view at this point is that it will be an experience I will have for the rest of my lifetime. A memory I can atleast use for a good story. Why am i always drawn to life experiences thatll lead to just an intriging story?

so im blogging today about my concious decision. how in order to really beat an ed is to conciously make the decision against the unconcious.
yesterday I went to a movie to see avatar. i had my snack with me my cousin prepared. i went to the starbucks trash and thru it away in the bathroom! i have never eaten my snacks and this was just second nature to me. to rid of my snack.
but I went outside to smoke and I ended up feelingguilty for not eating my snack. i knew it was hurting me in the long run,
so i went back into the bathroom and dug out from the trash the bag of ttrail mix! ahha. it was at the bottom and it was covered in wet paper towels, but i still got it. and ate it.

little things like that just prove how progress, how taking the little steps make it easier to get to the next one. i know digging thru trash might seem disgusting but in all reality thats fucking hardcore!
i made the concious decisions in the past little by little to eat the things that I once deemed bad, and that led me to feel actually feel guilty for setting myself back. i felt I was letting mmyself down, becuase ultimately it was me giving into the ed's voice.

also, i ate that night a snack when i was hungry. i chose not to feel guilty about eating after dinner. i made the decision.
i am conciously making the decision to not listen to that voice. that negative habitual unconcious tick ive allowed myself to listen to. its all about breaking the habit. making new rituals, healthy habits and routines. ones thatll lead to health and a well balanced life. that means I need to retrain my mind and feelings.
put good feelings back into my life revolving around food. i want to be happy and healthy, to feel good about being at a healthy weight.
thank you GOD! im so greatful ive made this progress. i know everytime I make a good decision its just one step closer to taking a bigger step. a step closer to full recovery where I live a life not at all surrounded around a meal plan.
GOAL: to not be associated with an ed. to not obsess, to feel free. to be normal. if being normal means I have to gain weight to reach normalcy and a well balanced, enriched life then Im okay with that. im happier then I have been for a long time, and Im getting better, gaining. gaining so much more then weight! gaining a life.
im so excited to beat this thing. to end up on the other end.
i pray for the strength to keep fighting. to not give in. to retrain myself into living healthily. i deserve it.

Consious choices.

One thing that I find helps me when I am in a tough spot with my eating is to realize that I can make a concious decision over my unconcious feelings and anxieties. Trusting what I know is right istead acting off the feelings my unconsious is feeding me. (Now, getting to the point where you know you are stable enough to depict whats right and whats wrong is a big step as well, Quissential to being able to respong rationally.)
Feelings are rooted in the past. Past experiences are what lead the unconsious to set up a defense mechanism for fear of those negative feelings and emotions arising again.
Example being: eating a cookie and feeling bad about it. You might, in the present be scared to eat that cookie for fear of feeling guilty as a result from indulging. Corresponding to how you felt in the past. Or it might be something like; not wanting to climb a latter becuase you once fell off one and sprained your leg. Fears and preconditioned feelings are all sculpted by what has already occured.
So consequently the unconiouos is biased. The unconcious has no future planning abilities, its already molded by what has already occured and acts on how you reacted in that instense.

So; when I am feeling like I have over whelming anxiety from being faced with an intimidated meal or from not being able to exercize or what have you I take the time to consiously note how I am feeling. I can consiously decide to react to the meal and obstacle based from what I KNOW is right, what I KNOW is healthy. Not how I feel. Becuase the feelings I have at the moment are quite biased and dillusional stemmed from my eating disorder. In the throws of my anorexia I felt so ashamed for eating something which I deemed bad. I would beat myself up mentally and physically for days., to compensate. I still have these fears that I will hate myself and question my self worth if I make the choice to eat something.
But over the length of my recovery I have challenged these fears and inhibitions. I realized that I dont have to allow myself to feel guilty. That just becuase I once was scared to eat a cookie, or to not exercize the amount of time I anticipated doesnt mean that I will feel that way again.
I am MAKING A CONCIOUS DECISION on the present moment. Taking the responsibility of how I react to my choices and not letting the anorexia tell me how to feel. The anorexia is not the one who is going to call the shots.