Exercise binge?

UUUUGGGGGHHH. I woke up today in a good mood.But I feel like exercising today. over my limit. It's like I am planning on it. Looking forward to it. Like planning an exercise binge. As would a bulimic plan a food binge.

I imagine the euphoria of walking...

But I know it will only hurt me!

Ways exercise will hurt me:

I'll be very tired and fatigued

I know I'll have to eat more...but won't know what to eat extra, and probably won't.

Later on, I will feel guilty and like a failure forgiving in the the E.D.

It will take time away from me doing other healthy things. Like, spending time with people, reading my book, drawing, writing etc...

I wonder why I have this urge. Lately I've been fighting it and have been doing well...for the most part. I haven't gotten to 120 for along time, and the last two days have only walked 85 minutes!!

So what is the trigger? The onset for me feeling this way.

With-drawls? I haven't been over extending exercise for a while, so I'm just anxious. Feels like their is bottled up 'stuff' inside me that I need to just purge out of me.

Nervous about job and money?

I don't completely know. But I guess I shouldn't depend on insight at the moment. Just because I don't know the complete reasoning, doesn't mean I have to prolong taking the correct action.

I know what's right even if I don't know what's causing me to want to do otherwise.

One must first save the burning baby, before examining the fire.

lunch

Today Peg invited me to lunch with her and Kelly. That means that I won't walk to my therapy session, which usually is about 25-30minutes. I kinda freaked out this morning.Will I get enough walking today?!

But...I am going to lunch. I want to. I need to spend time with people and not the E.D. Not isolating myself in order to satisfy the E.d.

I have the ability to exercise over. No one is stopping me. But I chose to make the right choices.

Yesterday I walked about 75 in the day. Stayed at home the whole afternoon. about mid afternoon I started to feel anxious. I'd usually leave for a walk. But held off as long as I could. I ended up leaving. For 20 minutes. I lied saying I was going to church. I went to park and read. I just wanted to get out. I felt controlled and trapped by being in the house. Even though everyone was asleep and I was alone I still felt confined. Leaving makes me feel like i have no ties. No one to be accountable to. Just me.

I haven't been feeling as guilty though. Which is good. I am relieved about that.

I have been trying hard to spend time with family and friends and not lie and isolate myself feeding my E.D.

I wonder why I feel the need to leave. Of course the minutes of exercise contributes. I feel it's a MUST to walk no fewer then 90 in a day. Which is better then 120. I've cut back. I'm glad of my progress.

But now 90 mins is the new 'quota'. Same feelings as it was with 120. But it's still e.d. controlled in a way.

I'm gaining weight which I'm pleased about. It shows my progress. But I feel as though I am starting to taper off with eating my meal plan as much. Thinking that I can slow down since I'm not walking so much. I hope when I see Sunny and we've established my weight gain I don't take it as an allowance to stop following my recovery plan.

I'm trying to keep the weight of 95lbs in mind. Though I know that's still too low, but for now that's all I can really handle.

When I reach 95lbs then I can slow down if I want to. I'll deal with things then. I'll deal with my meal plan and exercise limits THEN! Till then I will try my hardest to keep following my meal plan and exercise limitations.

I guess I should try to acknowledge how I feel.

What am I distracting myself from by using food and exercise?

Do I feel out of control? Kinda'... with enrolling in the ED center of Fresno. With getting a job. With just all my feelings in general that are so overwhelming I don't know how to cope with in a healthy way.

Today at lunch is a good opportunity to talk with Kelly and Peg. About how overwhelming all the emotions are without using E.D. to cope with. Because I don't know how to cope with these feelings in a positive way.

I should ask them how I should cope with my emotions.

What I need to check up on

Well, I have gained some weight. But I can notice how I am skimping now. It's like, once I know I've gained some I think it's alright to not try as hard? Or that I need to slow down.

This is distorted AMY!

Weight gain is the goal, and postponing progress is just prolonging your journey to the end.

Honestly what I am Struggling with:

-For my Protein bars, I usually pick the lowest cal option.

-I pick out food sometimes, when I don't think it's needed. Example being: last night I had raisins for fruit. Once I had it I thought, whats the point of raisins? I can't even taste them much so I'm just waisting calories! So I picked them out of my yogurt one by one and threw them away.

-I sometimes cut out little parts of food. Like I'll tear off some tortilla and quickly throw it out.

-I recently have been using a half fruit in my usual noon snack counted towards my extra dinner exchange. Which is suppose to be either starch, protein or fat.

-I usually never have an appropriate amount of fat exchanges. Usually when I do add additional fats I cut down the portions.

-When I have my noon snacks and make up my extra exchanges, I've been having 1/2 Tbsp of honey as one fat instead of a starch. (For honey is a starch) But I tell myself as long as it's the same caloric amount as a fat exchange it's okay. Though honey is all starch, no fat.

-I throw away food

There are more I am sure. Just can't think of them. But it seems that with my work on holding back exercise, I'm having more difficulty with eating. With some things. Especially dinner.

I think that since I am not walking as much it's okay to restrict just here and there.

It doesn't matter how fast I gain following the meal plan and recovery plan. The important thing is that I am listening to my recovery model and not the E.D. Because weight gain is only the external focus. Once I am at a healthy weight I still need to follow my meal plan, because it'll be me listening to the healthy voice and not the E.D. voice.

Me following the recovery plan is my gaining life back. I can keep this weight unless I am living an Eating Disordered life. I want to gain life back!

ramblings

all these ramblings are the same. I know that. Good thing I am my only audience.

I'm really trying to cut back on exercise. What a surprise right?! Yesterday I looked over my exercise limit mid day after school and I had only walked 75 mins. I freaked out. I went for a walk then to make sure at least I walked 90 mins. So I reached 100 mins for the day. I took a break though in the middle of my walk around the park and wrote. I asked myself why am I trying to resist gaining when supposedly that is my goal? Exercise is only keeping me from health.

So I calmed down a bit. But only after I reached closer to 90mins. I know that one day won't make a difference. That going only 75 mins or 60mins won't make a huge difference and there won't be a difference in my weight the next day. But man oh man, it feels quite the opposite.

And quite frankly I don't know what to do when these triggers arise. Books say that one needs to remove themselves from the triggering situation. But what is the situation? Being at the park? I guess that's it. When at the park I'm free to walk just another 5mins, another 10. Another 20 if I wanted. I guess I need to avoid the park, even though when I go there my initial reason forgoing is to sit and read and write. But it takes 20-30minutes to get there and back home.

But I like to leave the house. I don't like being at home during the day. So I leave and the park is a close, convenient place. Where else is there to go?

I need to plan my day a bit more. Besides the routine of morning and nights. Those I have down pact. But the day is when there's usually free-time and I don't know how to spend it. So...I leave for a walk. I need to plan my afternoons especially after lunch times and after noon snack time. Dinner is also at times a vulnerable time for me. It's like after meals I feel there's nothing else to do. Like that was the ONE BIG EVENT and the only reason to be at home. And after I just need to leave.

Exercise

Well I am reading the book, Willpowers not Enough. It's about recovering from any addiction incorporating the 12-step concepts. Of accepting you're an addict and can't control it. You can only follow the recovery model and be honest to stay on track. Following the rules because you can't trust your own judgment.

I realize that my addictive behavior with exercise is greatly taking away from my life. I spend time and dedicate my schedule due to my exercise regime. I replace relationships with it. I end up feeling very guilty and shameful about this. I feel like others are very upset at me and I am upset at myself. It's very isolating. More so then Anorexia was.

But I am just very scared of how much weight I'll put on without some exercise. I do not want to gain 3 lbs a week. Even 2 is overwhelming. And since my meal plan is so much with the pro bars and all, I feel that exercise not only is a reaction to my compulsive behavior but protects me from gaining uncontrollably. Perhaps I should talk with Sunny about reducing the pro bars if I do not exercise as much? But will I be able to withhold from exercise? If it's not something I can control then I can't. Though I want to.

Dinner troubles

Last night was my art show. I stayed there the whole time. Was kind of uncomfortable. Just talking with people about my art. But people seemed to all like it. But it ended at 8 pm and I didn't have dinner there. I waited till I got home at like9:30! I ended up having it with my pm snack. I know I didn't have enough though.

I felt like it was okay to restrict some. I justified it by not exercising so much lately. Only 100mins in the last two days. 110 before that.

I know I need to stick with m.p. despite exercise but this morning I woke in the same mood rather. Like I didn't wanna eat so much following my meal plan.

I know I could have planned a bit better. My initial plan was to pick dinner up at the super market, but when i went I didn't find anything I liked. And didn't want to spend any money. I've been spending more money lately and not stealing. I'm telling myself I don't need to steal since I will get a job soon. But naturally this is hard. I've been cutting back on stealing because honestly I'm scared of getting caught more now. I'm very suspicious the stores are catching on.

But on a lighter note Mom called last night. And said that my insurance starting October 1st will be unlimited! I'm so very happy about this. Therapy will be unlimited! Inpatient! And outpatient. I'm planning on enrolling in Fresno's ED center of Fresno down the street. I'd go there about 4 hours a day. The only thing I'm worried about is time. Time with school and a job. I really want a job to make some cash. Luckily I'm only attending one class this semester. So I think I can make it work.

Why do I want to restrict today? I weighed self again this morning. Since Wednesday last week I gained .2 lbs. Now on Kelly's scale I am 85.2.

But I feel it's wrong. I feel like I have been gaining more then that for sure! I need to just throw out the bloody thing. The scale is just bad news. Nothing good will come from it I suppose. But I always think it will help me keep on track. It only motivates me when I haven't gained as much as I anticipated. I'm surprised of its reading. I figured I had gained more since the lack of walking. The walking has only been cut back like 20-30 mins though. So I suppose that's not enough to manipulate my weight gain too much.

Right and wrong

I realized yesterday that i use food as a way to measure if I am making the right decision or wrong. I obsess over meals planning which one will be the right choice. If it's right then I feel things are okay. I feel like I've made the right choice.

I have to face that I do look to people for acceptance. I am always scared of disappointing them and messing up. Messing up with anything. It's difficult to really tell what people do expect out of me, so I use food as a concrete way to figure out if I'm doing the right things. Even when I feel I've made the wrong choice with something else, I use food often to correct the problem.

This is distorted! I know it is. Food is just nutrition. Nothing else. There is no right or wrong food. Food should be decided upon by reading bodies cue for appetite and taste. What it hungers for.

That's one fear of mine though. That my true hungers and real appetite will lead me to the path of over-eating and indulging.

So I have been trying to figure out what I could measure self-worth by, what I can look for in order to feel as though I am making the right choices in life. Right and wrong is usually so undefined and abstract. Unlike food. The Ed has made food a black and white object. Right or wrong. Very clear.

But I need to just be rational and continue to see that right and wrong is way harder to define. How does one decide what is right and wrong?

I examined what I respect in others. What I tend to respect in a person.

I respect people who are intelligent. Who are smart and have acquired their knowledge from hard-work and just the ability to understand things most people don't really care about. Like politics, religion, the self, art, literature, science...whatever. Something that leads them to know more then others.

Also, what people's creative talents are. I respect people who are creative and have reached a certain amount of success with their passion. Perhaps not a title, but some sort of growth. With art, music, their individual interests.

Another is their independence. Their ability to depend mostly on themselves for things that they can achieve alone. Without looking towards others to fill their needs. Like with money, jobs, entertainment. I usually look up to people more who can get by with being alone. And who don't always need the company of others. Who are in some way, introverted.

People who are modest. Modest of their talents and successes but still self-confident.

People who are unbiased when judging people and world issues. When they can set aside their personal views and principles to rationally and scientifically examine the situation. Generally, people who are open-minded.

I think most people are ran by their own emotions and see them as right. I often hold a higher merit towards people's judgment when I can trust they have the ability to perceive things out side of their realm of thought and when they admit they don't know everything and that their perception is often tainted by their own boxed view.

I look at my own life and I think I can compare to their standards. I have reached a certain amount of credibility with my art. People recognize it as well-done and I am usually pretty self-confident in my ability.

Carla my counselor noted that I think about food too much. I didn't really realize this till she said so. I knew of course I was obsessing over food and my meals, but I still saw it as a means to make sure I was doing the 'right' thing. Instead of focusing on how I feel.

Like for example, yesterday at 12:30pm before my class started I was hungry. I had lunch with me but usually I don't eat till around 1-2pm. I ate lunch tho anyways. After journaling and noting to self that my feeling of having to eat at a certain time is just another Ed should. I SHOULD eat only at this time, in this setting etc...

Feeling hungry when it doesn't fall in to the should makes me feel like I have lost. Lost what? As if hunger is a game? I shouldn't be hungry at this time, I've lost, something is wrong with me.

So I ate lunch despite initially feeling so. Hunger just is. Nor a right or wrong. I am hungry because my body needs fuel. That's it. I need to listen to it and stop following these distorted should's and rules that only lead me to listen to the Ed.

My ED's should's are:

Exercise limit (Has to be so many minutes each day)

Meal-times (Has to be at this time every day)

Foods (Right and wrong. Bad food or right food)

Meal setting (Needs to be in certain order and place)

Hunger (Is only okay and allowed when it falls into the should of an acceptable meal-time)

This is all a way for the Ed to control my food intake, to decide right and wrong. Hunger just is. It won't be the same every day. It is only grey. Not black and white. It will change depending on the day and what I have done and what I have eaten prior. What my sleep patterns are like, amount of exercise. Etc...

Foods are not right or wrong. The only way I can measure if it's right is if my body hungers for it. My body is craving it for a reason. That's that. I need to trust and listen to my body and not the mind. The mind is too contradicting when it comes to food.

Meal-times are when I am hungry. Setting is wherever I am when I am hungry. It's flexible. Nothing bad will happen if it's in a different spot or situation. It's JUST FOOD!