lunch

Today Peg invited me to lunch with her and Kelly. That means that I won't walk to my therapy session, which usually is about 25-30minutes. I kinda freaked out this morning.Will I get enough walking today?!

But...I am going to lunch. I want to. I need to spend time with people and not the E.D. Not isolating myself in order to satisfy the E.d.

I have the ability to exercise over. No one is stopping me. But I chose to make the right choices.

Yesterday I walked about 75 in the day. Stayed at home the whole afternoon. about mid afternoon I started to feel anxious. I'd usually leave for a walk. But held off as long as I could. I ended up leaving. For 20 minutes. I lied saying I was going to church. I went to park and read. I just wanted to get out. I felt controlled and trapped by being in the house. Even though everyone was asleep and I was alone I still felt confined. Leaving makes me feel like i have no ties. No one to be accountable to. Just me.

I haven't been feeling as guilty though. Which is good. I am relieved about that.

I have been trying hard to spend time with family and friends and not lie and isolate myself feeding my E.D.

I wonder why I feel the need to leave. Of course the minutes of exercise contributes. I feel it's a MUST to walk no fewer then 90 in a day. Which is better then 120. I've cut back. I'm glad of my progress.

But now 90 mins is the new 'quota'. Same feelings as it was with 120. But it's still e.d. controlled in a way.

I'm gaining weight which I'm pleased about. It shows my progress. But I feel as though I am starting to taper off with eating my meal plan as much. Thinking that I can slow down since I'm not walking so much. I hope when I see Sunny and we've established my weight gain I don't take it as an allowance to stop following my recovery plan.

I'm trying to keep the weight of 95lbs in mind. Though I know that's still too low, but for now that's all I can really handle.

When I reach 95lbs then I can slow down if I want to. I'll deal with things then. I'll deal with my meal plan and exercise limits THEN! Till then I will try my hardest to keep following my meal plan and exercise limitations.

I guess I should try to acknowledge how I feel.

What am I distracting myself from by using food and exercise?

Do I feel out of control? Kinda'... with enrolling in the ED center of Fresno. With getting a job. With just all my feelings in general that are so overwhelming I don't know how to cope with in a healthy way.

Today at lunch is a good opportunity to talk with Kelly and Peg. About how overwhelming all the emotions are without using E.D. to cope with. Because I don't know how to cope with these feelings in a positive way.

I should ask them how I should cope with my emotions.