so im blogging today about my concious decision. how in order to really beat an ed is to conciously make the decision against the unconcious.
yesterday I went to a movie to see avatar. i had my snack with me my cousin prepared. i went to the starbucks trash and thru it away in the bathroom! i have never eaten my snacks and this was just second nature to me. to rid of my snack.
but I went outside to smoke and I ended up feelingguilty for not eating my snack. i knew it was hurting me in the long run,
so i went back into the bathroom and dug out from the trash the bag of ttrail mix! ahha. it was at the bottom and it was covered in wet paper towels, but i still got it. and ate it.

little things like that just prove how progress, how taking the little steps make it easier to get to the next one. i know digging thru trash might seem disgusting but in all reality thats fucking hardcore!
i made the concious decisions in the past little by little to eat the things that I once deemed bad, and that led me to feel actually feel guilty for setting myself back. i felt I was letting mmyself down, becuase ultimately it was me giving into the ed's voice.

also, i ate that night a snack when i was hungry. i chose not to feel guilty about eating after dinner. i made the decision.
i am conciously making the decision to not listen to that voice. that negative habitual unconcious tick ive allowed myself to listen to. its all about breaking the habit. making new rituals, healthy habits and routines. ones thatll lead to health and a well balanced life. that means I need to retrain my mind and feelings.
put good feelings back into my life revolving around food. i want to be happy and healthy, to feel good about being at a healthy weight.
thank you GOD! im so greatful ive made this progress. i know everytime I make a good decision its just one step closer to taking a bigger step. a step closer to full recovery where I live a life not at all surrounded around a meal plan.
GOAL: to not be associated with an ed. to not obsess, to feel free. to be normal. if being normal means I have to gain weight to reach normalcy and a well balanced, enriched life then Im okay with that. im happier then I have been for a long time, and Im getting better, gaining. gaining so much more then weight! gaining a life.
im so excited to beat this thing. to end up on the other end.
i pray for the strength to keep fighting. to not give in. to retrain myself into living healthily. i deserve it.