Exercising

Last night I went over exercise again.By 30 mins.

I with held the day earlier to reach only 2 hrs. But Kelly last night giving me the perfect opportunity of leaving for a walk without an excuse.

I need to keep control of that. Because if I do go over I will have to eat more. And if I do...I'll feel bulimic and have shame. If I don't eat the extra I'll feel bad and scared about relapsing into anorexia. Either way I feel bad.

I also need to put boys on hold. I need to just cut possibility for a relationship out of my realm of thought. It doesn't mean I won't ever be ready, but right now, I need to focus on one thing. Once I get to a healthier weight, I can go out.

Motivations:

Eating out with friends.

Inspiring.

Feel accomplished and confident in my recovery.

Health.

Energy.

Woman's body.

I relapsed a little bit. For a few weeks. And now I need to get self back on track and be in the right state of mind. I can fix this lapse. I can depend on myself.

And food is the biggest medicine for me right now. I can't recover while being underweight. I must re-feed and be healthy in order to get to the next step in recovery.

I CAN NOT BE UNDERWEIGHT AND RECOVERED! I am not normal and so I need to treat my self carefully when it comes to my recovery and food.

ED's VOICE and MY VOICE

-You must exercise at least 2 hrs every day. "2 hrs a day is not normal. People with regular lives do not exercise so much." "But if you don't walk that much you will become lazy. You need to walk that much to make sure you don't become slothful once you recover." "I will always exercise. But I will one day get to the point where I can exercise healthily. And I won't gain weight." "Well, you're appetite is so big you have to exercise that much so you can satisfy your appetite!" "My appetite is not over-sized. It's okay to have one. Everyone does! And I won't gain if I treat myself. I trust myself enough to not binge, and I love myself enough to treat myself to sweets and foods I like.

-You must not want to over or have seconds. You must not enjoy food. If you like the taste of food you will never be able to control your appetite. "Yes I will control my appetite. Not only do I hunger for good food, but for other meaningful things in my life. I can't get those things from food." "Well if you exercise more intentionally you can eat more." "No, I can't do that. If I intentionally over walk I will feel bad for having to eat more! I'll have shame for being bulimic-like. That's just you still trying to control my meal plan and manipulate it."

-You don't need to stick with portion sizes. You will gain weight even with cut-down portion sizes. "Yes I do need to stick with portions. I need to because if I don't it's me listening to you. Giving in. It's about principle. I need to cut you off and not keep you around at all." "Amy, you know you will gain weight even if you cut portion sizes. So who's it hurting? You're still gaining weight and just keeping me there, so you will just know that you still control your food. It's not enough to cause weight loss." "Like I said! It's about principle. I don't want to give in to you in anyway. Even if it won't cause weight loss it's still me giving in to you!"

You must perform your food rituals. If you don't you will not like it because it's different and then you will have to eat something else you like.resulting in having eaten more for doing something stupid and trying food differently. "Food rituals are bad. Even if I am eating the food, I still don't have a relationship with it. I need to eat through-out the day and learn to read my body and feed it when it's hungry." "But if you eat in the day, you'll want more at snack time and then over eat because you can't control your appetite!" "YES I WILL! I can control my appetite. I am in control. I have not binged or have over-eaten intentionally since I've been following my meal plan." "Well the only reason you haven't is because of YOUR RITUAL with your p.m. snack. If you didn't HAVE to eat that at the end of the day you would binge." "I didn't binge in WA. I didn't have my snacks without the urge to overeat. BTW eating one extra fruit is not over-eating! That's insignificant and rediculous that you consider that over-eating! My m.p. can't be followed exactly what it is everyday! One fruit or exchange will not make a difference."

You need to be thin and be a shock value for people who see you. You need to be the sick one to get attention and love from others. "NO! I can get attention from people through my successes. I am capable of achieving things on my own." But, you've always been the sick one. When you fail, where'll be your excuse? You won't be sick anymore and won't have your illness to blame." "I don't need you to blame. I need to take responsibility for all of who I am. My positives and flaws. it is me being real and authentic."

Back with Sunny

Well yesterday I saw Sunny my RD.

The goal is for me to stick with correct portion sizes. And to stay within my limits of exercise. @ hrs. and I asked for a set rule, where what to add if I go over. Becuase I know that I will. Exercise is still hard for me. But I asked what to add. Every 30 mins over 2hrs is 100 cals. So If I go over 20: about a fruit extra, or 1/4 c. oatmeal....

But I need to be careful. I had a little thought...which will turn probably into a big one, saying if I intentionnally over exercise I can eat more. But I know this is what Jenni Schaefer referred to as "Counter Ed" in her book.

I know I can't negotiate like that. I'll end up freaking out for my fear of becoming a Bulimic or overeater. I must stay within 2 hrs and and stick to meal plan. I MUST NOT manipulate the plan in any way, with adding more or taking away to compensate for exercise.

I really hope i can get back on track. Correct my recent lapses and just keep carrying on. I can do this!

Reasons I want Recovery:

Eating out with people.

Confidence from recovering.

Help others.

Character building.

Woman's body. (I deserve a healthy body)

Health.

So why did I struggle in WA? I was pretty fully aware as to why when it was happening. In a broad way at least.

I was angry at my family. I wanted to show them that I was still sick. And that I do better on my own then with their help. I'm sure that I used my weight loss and a tool to hurt them. To make them feel of blame? I think since they're my family which raised me I see all of them as ones who ought to take care of me. perhaps I feel like without my ED I will not be noticed by them. I will not be cared for.

I think this is important to note. I still want their attention, which I uncouciosuly still hunger for.

Also, another reason I relapsed in WA, was my fear that I am enjoying food too much. So I wanted to prove still to my myself that I could control my appetite and not over eat. It's like...I feel guilty for enjoying food too much. If I want seconds. It scares me. That I will always want more and more to get full. So I restricted my needs and wants to reprove that I could control food.

There are so many other reasons. I will mention them in the future tho.

RATIONAL VOICE:

Over exercising in order to eat more is just 'counter Ed'. It is still it trying to control your meal plan and the food. Your m.p. is set. Follow that and the exercise limits.

If you over exercise to eat more:

you will feel bad for wanting to eat more, and will want to restrict to reprove control over appetite.

You are not a bad person or worthless or out of control for being hungry and wanting sweets. Everyone enjoys sweets, and if everyone could eat sweets everyday, they would. Appetite is normal! You will not over eat, you need to trust yourself that you won't binge, and love yourself enough to enjoy seconds or dessert.

Goal: 2 times a week, exchange pro bar for dessert.

options: Ice cream

Cookie

Cake

Pie

Etc...

back on the wagon?

Which wagon exactly?

The good one, i hope. The one trucking me forward. I've had slips since I've returned. I couldn't expect Fresno to just magically fix everything. I still need to correct myself and focus on grounding myself again.

I've been over exercising. Still. I thought it'd be okay if I ate more. I bought ice cream. 130 cals.But the amount I thought was so small, it scared me to eat such a small amt knowing the cal content. I have a fear of foods that are condensed and high in cals. I get scared that I'll need more to be satisfied. So instead I ate other things, which realistically added up to a bit more cals then 130,but it was larger of an amount.

The other night, I blew of Joe. I could have hung out, but I was having my snack. And I knew if I saw him, he'd wanna hang longer and then i'd be up later eating. I felt guilty for this. I felt like I wanted to have my snack and felt guilty for choosing eating over seeing him. I was pulled to go out with him, just to prove that I didn't really want my snack.To prove I didn't have an appetite for it.

Appetite is scary for me. Wanting things. Fear that nothing will be enough to satisfy my hunger. I at times get so worried that I will become an over eater and continue to eat and eat and gain and gain even when I reach 110.

Maybe I want to be thin unconsciously, because it in a way gives me license to eat.

But in WA I didn't follow my m.p. I didn't lots of times, not have my snack. Never my protein bars. I got a sense of control by denying myself my snack, because I felt it was I denying my appetite and the fear that i wanted something that would cause me to gain.

I must NOT plan for the future though.I always do that. Protecting myself from the future I fear in the present, when in the present is when I need the thing I'm fearing of controlling later on.

I need to get back on track. Follow Sunny's meal plan. Wait for her response to add to it until I do.

"Lord, let my ears listen for only my voice. Give me sight for only what I need to see. And let my tongue speak only what I need to say."

relapse

So I really relapsed. I lost 7 lbs in WA. It was intentionally I think I have to admit. I didn't want to gain there. And soon, my wght become a fixation. I'm praying I can get myself back on track.

Followed meal plan for last night kinda.... and this morning for breakfast.

Well....

So I don't know where exactly I am right now. I've stopped following my meal plan for the most part. No protein bars while still exercising up to 2 hrs a day...often more.
I really am upset that I have lost motivation and feel apathetic towards recovery.
I'm trying to focus on things that I can accomplish once I recover.

What I can accomplish:
Counsel
Inspiring people
Help others
Teach
School
More focus
Health
Normal eating and a normal life
Success with recovery; pride for recovering
Relationships
More attractive body/ Womanly curves


Long term Goals:
Go to school
Bachelors in Psychology
Minor in Art education
Teach art
Perhaps, join Peace Corps and achieve a Masters in Psychology which will lead to being able to Counsel

Short term Goals:
Job
Save money
Boyfriend....perhaps?
School...Good grades
Work on Art

Reasons for lapse:
Attention from family
Anger towards family
Claiming control
Wanting to show them how bad I got
Shock value
Being the victim= People caring for me

Triggers:
Change
Feeling like people are controlling me
Anger
Wanting to express my pain/emotion

Emotions:
Anger
Frustration
Controlled by others
Wanting attention
Neglected
Ignored
Uncared for
Smarter then the rest of my family
Invaded, no privacy



I just pray that once I get back, I can get back on track. Hopefully I feel safer there with having to gain weight. For some reason...when I am here, I feel like it's an insecure place for me to gain weight. Like CA is the place to gain, and here is the place to stay the same...or even lose?
I think I am trying to lose weight. I'm not sure... I focus more on calories now then exchanges, I count my calories through out the day...feel need to exercise.

Back in Tacoma

Well yesterday Gracie dropped me off at Ruthanne's. So I'm back here. I feel more comfortable here. But I know I lost weight. I weighed myself on Ruthanne's scale when i arrived and this morning. I also feel thinner.
I have contradicting feelings. I Feel like I don't have a problem and that I can maintain this weight and be healthy and live a normal life. And not replace relationships with the ED. But....another part of me knows that weight loss is addictive. And that i am not a normal person who can eat normally...I don't really know what normal eating is. I don't really have a role model for normal eating.
Weight loss is addictive and so I'm slightly worried that i will continue to lose just to keep getting the 'same high.'
My feelings right now are... calm, controlled, back ache, a little but nervous about the amount of exercise I'll get in today, wondering what to do today to stay occupied.

I feel also, that I am healthy at this weight. I don't feel fat, before I felt....curvy? Normal? Awkward, this body feels fine for me. Perhaps because I'm use to it.
I want to be normal and be able to enjoy food... without worrying about losing or gaining.
But another trigger of mine...is the fear that I will enjoy food too much. It's a principle. I'm scared that I will enjoy eating too much and then...never stop. Which leads me to restrict and over-control myself to prevent my fear of binging and uncontrollably gaining weight.

I pray that things go in the right direction. Especially when I return.
I guess I've been trying to prove my control by losing in this new environment, to prove to myself....and others that they can't control me or my recovery.
But since I have proven my control....shouldn't I now try to take back a healthy control, and get back on track with my meal plan?
But... the thing is.... I don't know if I want to gain.
Why do I want to be so thin? Why do I feel like this weight is fine for me...not prepubescent.
I don't know if I am unhealthy or not...I need acknowledgment that I still need to gain for health, because right now...I feel fine.

resentment

Well, I have been feeling loads of resentment towards my Mom and my family up here. Idk why exactly.

Maybe I'm trying to prove that I am still not well. Not I do have pain and that I am better without them. I realize that I am trying to hurt them with not eating and showing signs of relapse.To see if Mom or anyone will say anything.

I know though, that I can't hurt them with my body. I am only hurting myself. But the feeling of gaining when I sense they don't see me makes me feel like they win, and I lose. Like it's some sort of race?! Who will buckle first? They say something? Or I eat...

I need to talk about my anger, with mom, Ruthanne and others. I need to tell them how I feel and I need to figure out another way to express anger. How? Yell at them? Confront them? Tell them that just because I've made progress doesn't mean they don't need to care anymore. I still need support and comforting at times.

Maybe, I'm threatened by health, because possibly when I'm healthy...they will forget about me.

But I know rationally that they will always care. I just don't think Mom knows how to take initiative with these things, that's not a reflection on me, it's her problem.

I need to reassess why I want recovery. I want it because it's my life, and my weight will only effect me and not the people I'm mad at.

Perhaps the lack of motivation and the apathy is brought on by low self-esteem. Like even if I do recover to a healthy weight I won't live a fulfilling life anyways, hopelessness. Like...what's the point?

But I must acknowledge my potential and my capability. Realize that I can reach my goals and that I do deserve and can attain great things.

I pray that I remember why I'm in recovery. For me, for MY LIFE! Because it is my success and not there's.

Maybe that's another reason I feel the need to restrict here. I don't want them to think their responsible for my success. I want the credit. I guess I want to remind them of their failure, since I know in some way they feel guilty.

But I must take them out of it. It's only me. Only my success or failure.

I need to let them know that. Tell them my progress isn't from them...but from the strength I found within myself. That I deserve the credit.

apathy

Since Ive Been in WA I have lost motivation. I basically have given up my meal plan. I have only done my night time snacks twice, my first two days, and only one pro bar.

A lot of times I feel angry and upset, depressed and just generally unhappy. And I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because Mom and RB have told me how much better I look.When the wght I'm at now is the same wght as when I left. It's like, HELLO DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER! Also, Mom told me I'm still a little thin.Just a little? Does that now mean I can stop gaining? A little thin is okay right?

I guess I am restricting to prove a point. To hurt her? Ruthanne? Myself? To prove that I am better off on my own then with them? IDK.

I'm flying home the 20th. About 2 more wks.

Though my life there is kinda'lonely, but I hope when school starts and I find a job,things will be better and I will stay occupied.

man this place is tough

yeah idk what to think.
I guess its nice not being as lonely, but being alone less means less time to exercise. its hard for me to find time to walk 2 hrs a day.

Yesterday I did walk 2 hrs but I only had one pro bar. instead of two. I feel need to protect myself.
i really should talk with Ruthanne about me losing motivation. I've gotten use to this body, and I just don;t want to gain much anymore. At least not here.

Lord help me.
Goal:
exercise less then two hours.

If I walk 2 hrs=2 pro bars
Walk 1 hr or less= one pro bar.