resentment

Well, I have been feeling loads of resentment towards my Mom and my family up here. Idk why exactly.

Maybe I'm trying to prove that I am still not well. Not I do have pain and that I am better without them. I realize that I am trying to hurt them with not eating and showing signs of relapse.To see if Mom or anyone will say anything.

I know though, that I can't hurt them with my body. I am only hurting myself. But the feeling of gaining when I sense they don't see me makes me feel like they win, and I lose. Like it's some sort of race?! Who will buckle first? They say something? Or I eat...

I need to talk about my anger, with mom, Ruthanne and others. I need to tell them how I feel and I need to figure out another way to express anger. How? Yell at them? Confront them? Tell them that just because I've made progress doesn't mean they don't need to care anymore. I still need support and comforting at times.

Maybe, I'm threatened by health, because possibly when I'm healthy...they will forget about me.

But I know rationally that they will always care. I just don't think Mom knows how to take initiative with these things, that's not a reflection on me, it's her problem.

I need to reassess why I want recovery. I want it because it's my life, and my weight will only effect me and not the people I'm mad at.

Perhaps the lack of motivation and the apathy is brought on by low self-esteem. Like even if I do recover to a healthy weight I won't live a fulfilling life anyways, hopelessness. Like...what's the point?

But I must acknowledge my potential and my capability. Realize that I can reach my goals and that I do deserve and can attain great things.

I pray that I remember why I'm in recovery. For me, for MY LIFE! Because it is my success and not there's.

Maybe that's another reason I feel the need to restrict here. I don't want them to think their responsible for my success. I want the credit. I guess I want to remind them of their failure, since I know in some way they feel guilty.

But I must take them out of it. It's only me. Only my success or failure.

I need to let them know that. Tell them my progress isn't from them...but from the strength I found within myself. That I deserve the credit.