back on the wagon?

Which wagon exactly?

The good one, i hope. The one trucking me forward. I've had slips since I've returned. I couldn't expect Fresno to just magically fix everything. I still need to correct myself and focus on grounding myself again.

I've been over exercising. Still. I thought it'd be okay if I ate more. I bought ice cream. 130 cals.But the amount I thought was so small, it scared me to eat such a small amt knowing the cal content. I have a fear of foods that are condensed and high in cals. I get scared that I'll need more to be satisfied. So instead I ate other things, which realistically added up to a bit more cals then 130,but it was larger of an amount.

The other night, I blew of Joe. I could have hung out, but I was having my snack. And I knew if I saw him, he'd wanna hang longer and then i'd be up later eating. I felt guilty for this. I felt like I wanted to have my snack and felt guilty for choosing eating over seeing him. I was pulled to go out with him, just to prove that I didn't really want my snack.To prove I didn't have an appetite for it.

Appetite is scary for me. Wanting things. Fear that nothing will be enough to satisfy my hunger. I at times get so worried that I will become an over eater and continue to eat and eat and gain and gain even when I reach 110.

Maybe I want to be thin unconsciously, because it in a way gives me license to eat.

But in WA I didn't follow my m.p. I didn't lots of times, not have my snack. Never my protein bars. I got a sense of control by denying myself my snack, because I felt it was I denying my appetite and the fear that i wanted something that would cause me to gain.

I must NOT plan for the future though.I always do that. Protecting myself from the future I fear in the present, when in the present is when I need the thing I'm fearing of controlling later on.

I need to get back on track. Follow Sunny's meal plan. Wait for her response to add to it until I do.

"Lord, let my ears listen for only my voice. Give me sight for only what I need to see. And let my tongue speak only what I need to say."