Back in Tacoma

Well yesterday Gracie dropped me off at Ruthanne's. So I'm back here. I feel more comfortable here. But I know I lost weight. I weighed myself on Ruthanne's scale when i arrived and this morning. I also feel thinner.
I have contradicting feelings. I Feel like I don't have a problem and that I can maintain this weight and be healthy and live a normal life. And not replace relationships with the ED. But....another part of me knows that weight loss is addictive. And that i am not a normal person who can eat normally...I don't really know what normal eating is. I don't really have a role model for normal eating.
Weight loss is addictive and so I'm slightly worried that i will continue to lose just to keep getting the 'same high.'
My feelings right now are... calm, controlled, back ache, a little but nervous about the amount of exercise I'll get in today, wondering what to do today to stay occupied.

I feel also, that I am healthy at this weight. I don't feel fat, before I felt....curvy? Normal? Awkward, this body feels fine for me. Perhaps because I'm use to it.
I want to be normal and be able to enjoy food... without worrying about losing or gaining.
But another trigger of mine...is the fear that I will enjoy food too much. It's a principle. I'm scared that I will enjoy eating too much and then...never stop. Which leads me to restrict and over-control myself to prevent my fear of binging and uncontrollably gaining weight.

I pray that things go in the right direction. Especially when I return.
I guess I've been trying to prove my control by losing in this new environment, to prove to myself....and others that they can't control me or my recovery.
But since I have proven my control....shouldn't I now try to take back a healthy control, and get back on track with my meal plan?
But... the thing is.... I don't know if I want to gain.
Why do I want to be so thin? Why do I feel like this weight is fine for me...not prepubescent.
I don't know if I am unhealthy or not...I need acknowledgment that I still need to gain for health, because right now...I feel fine.