So I don't know where exactly I am right now. I've stopped following my meal plan for the most part. No protein bars while still exercising up to 2 hrs a day...often more.
I really am upset that I have lost motivation and feel apathetic towards recovery.
I'm trying to focus on things that I can accomplish once I recover.
What I can accomplish:
Counsel
Inspiring people
Help others
Teach
School
More focus
Health
Normal eating and a normal life
Success with recovery; pride for recovering
Relationships
More attractive body/ Womanly curves
Long term Goals:
Go to school
Bachelors in Psychology
Minor in Art education
Teach art
Perhaps, join Peace Corps and achieve a Masters in Psychology which will lead to being able to Counsel
Short term Goals:
Job
Save money
Boyfriend....perhaps?
School...Good grades
Work on Art
Reasons for lapse:
Attention from family
Anger towards family
Claiming control
Wanting to show them how bad I got
Shock value
Being the victim= People caring for me
Triggers:
Change
Feeling like people are controlling me
Anger
Wanting to express my pain/emotion
Emotions:
Anger
Frustration
Controlled by others
Wanting attention
Neglected
Ignored
Uncared for
Smarter then the rest of my family
Invaded, no privacy
I just pray that once I get back, I can get back on track. Hopefully I feel safer there with having to gain weight. For some reason...when I am here, I feel like it's an insecure place for me to gain weight. Like CA is the place to gain, and here is the place to stay the same...or even lose?
I think I am trying to lose weight. I'm not sure... I focus more on calories now then exchanges, I count my calories through out the day...feel need to exercise.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
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