The addictive persoanlity

Well as I wrote a bit about yesterday im reading a book about the addictive personality. Anorexia is definately an addicition. Anything can really become an addiction. An addiction is when someone uses objects or events to cope with stresses in life. Instead of using healthy relationships with people. They depend solely on the act of the addiction, i.e. gambling, alcohol, binging, restricting, exercise etc.

Soon the addiction to that object forms rituals. The ritual is a way for the addict to find comfort and temporary relief from their problems. They emotionally become dependant on the addicted relationship thinking that it is the only way, or most profitable way to ease their aches and stepping outside of their rituals is very anxiety provoking. Just like how I have rituals around eating and exercise.

the mornings are always the best time of day for me. That and night time when i have my night snack.

Why? Becuase they're always the same. Every morning I get up exactly at the same time, have the exact breakfast in the exact spot. The whole morning is the same and dedicated to writing, and alone time. The night time snack is the same. Same time, same place and so on.

Idk if I should try to challenge these rituals. They do bring comfort.

But I know I should challenge the other rituals I have revolving around exercise routines, and my tendency to distract myself at meals. Every meal I get up and down from my chair to reheat the food, add spices, change the TV, read, text and blah blah blah. It's all a distraction.

A few days ago I chose not to have a drink with my lunch. This was very hard for me. I experienced immense discomfort. I use the drink to sit between each bite in order to pace myself. I was fearful of eating too fast. Between each bite I instead caught myself doing other things. Like cleaning out my bag, texting, looking through my phone pictures, wiping my mouth with the napkin, little tiny things to distract me and hold off eating.

I noticed this is very ritualistic and these distraction methods are destructive towards normal eating habits.

Spending two and half hours to eat a protein bar and a small bowl of oatmeal is unnatural.

I guess my goal today is to:

Challenge my rituals by, no drink at lunch, only two seasonings at lunch and dinner, only reheat food twice, no getting up at meals, no texting, no puzzles, nothing to distract me.

To have my afternoon snack. At 5pm. If I am out with a friend or some place I'll bring my snack along. I shouldn't not break my schedule due to being out. Nor should I wreck a social life due to me having to eat. I can do both....I hope?

I guess I should get my priorities straight:

Recovery is first.

I am not ready for a relationship.

Make time for meals.

Plan what I'm going to eat, thus not causing anxiety/panic.

Be honest/ open about fears and struggles. (I should speak and be open with Peggy and Kelly)

Wish my luck.

=D

Addictive Personality

I'm reading a book about addictive personality.

It is very interesting. I know my ed is an addiction. I have ritualistic behaviors that being comfort and a false sense of control.

Like:

Exercising,

isolating myself,

food rituals of reheating food,

distracting self when eating etc.

I must develop healthy rituals, by involving myself with community and people. Opening the door to healthy relationships.

Brand new day

Well my routine has become so stuck lately. Which I am comfortable with. But I know that being so strict and stuck in one is not all in all completely healthy. Yesterday Kelly and I watched a movie together. Instead of me residing in my room and having my snack while watching Netflix.

We watched Youth In revolt. I liked it and I enjoyed actually sociallizing with Kelly. We use to be super close it seemed and since I got out of Rader I have kind of reclused myself.

So today I am gonna try to spend time with her again. I think it'd be good for me. Also, I will look forward to Peggy's 5 days off for the Memorial day weekend. Tomorrow till Tuesday she will be off of work at home. Hopefully we find things to do and spend time together. It is good for me to talk with others and step out side of myself.

Also, on a different note: I realized that I am not yet ready for intuitive eating. Intuitive eating is when you can eat when hungry and stop when full. I can not trust my body and I am aware of this. Thus, I stick with my meal plan and only trust it. I try not to skip exchanges because I know it would be even easier to skip another exchange in my next meal. I have to stick with the meal plan no MATTER what.

I just can' wait till I can eat intuitively. When I can trust my body. To know when I am full by sensing my body cues and not my mind. As of right now, I don't know what it feels like to be full. Is it when you're stuffed and ill? When your stomach stops growling? When you have eaten enough calories? I just don't know. So hopefully one day, eventually I will be able to trust my body. But I will always have my meal plan even at a maintainable weight just for a ground rule.

But for right now I need to focus on today. One day at a time. And stop thinking so much of the future. I can not control the future, I can only control what is happening right now. So it is useless to plan ahead.

So, goals today:

Spend time with Peggy and Kelly.

Stick with meal plan.

Have mid afternoon snack.

So not over exercise.

Don't obsess over exercise length.

Explore interests outside of my recovery. i.e. painting, reading (need to find a good book), puzzles, crafts, organize, film, socializing, beading, sewing, portraits, tattoo designs etc...

Wish me luck. Who ever is reading this. lol. Maybe one day I'll have readers.

-Amy

=D

What else is there?

Well I went to my first Ed support group for young girls. I liked it. It will be every week.

What I want to touch on today though is how much I think about my Ed.

I realized yesterday that it literally is all i think about. It's exhausting. And is getting frustrating and redundant.

I think about it all day and every day. My recovery and its process.

I know recovery takes over 100% of a person's life, from any addiction. I think this is appropriate though, i mean recovery is something you need to work on and work on because it is never ending. Its a process not an event. There is no real finish line and the road is always trailing.

But I do wish I had something else to focus on. I do puzzles, watch TV to attempt to remove and distract myself from the ed. But I would like to have some other interest besides recovery. Only because I feel that if I put so much obsessive interest and dedication into another venture I could definitely accomplish any task.

But it is very hard to fork my thinking into another direction especially since right now in my life, my recovery is the most important thing in life.

What can I do and think about besides recovery?

I should find other interests, I have so many, I am quite the hobbyist, but giving my time to another subject or topic is difficult for me. Everything I become enthralled with it is not long until my thought is redirected back into my ed and my recovery.

So....New interest?

I can read about politics? Get involved with world issues. Remove myself from myself.

Begin an art project, i.e. writing a book, collage, painting, portraits, tattoos for others and myself.

Read a book.

Study religion.

Talk with friends.

Watch films I enjoy, TV I enjoy. (good thing I have Netflix) right now I love The Riches on HBO.

Get back into biographies, documentaries.

Learn new hobby, take up crocheting again, shop?, bead, sew.

Redecorate, organize room.

Do daily chores.

Museums.

Walk somewhere which I have not been before.

Learn to cook a ethnic cuisine.

There are many things I can do out of the ordinary that will spike my curiosity and keep recovery thoughts at bay. At least for a while I hope.

Hmmm...wish me luck.

-Amy

=D

Patterns

Well, a new topic I would like to address would be my trigger for the onset of my Anorexia.

I acknowledge it was started by the fact that I wanted to lose weight. I crash dieted for the purpose of losing 10-15 lbs for I thought I was over weight and was unhappy in my body.

I have always been very self-conciouse about my body and so dieting was a very touchy matter for me to get involved with.

But I do not think however my drive for continuing the diet evolving into Anorexia was based off my hope of being thin and socially attractive.

The patterns of the rules I set for myself became a habit. A very destructive habit and soon i was addicted to them. They caused a since of control and a high that lead me to feel like I was accomplishing something. At this time in my life I did not feel in control of anything really. I was failing High School classes, no friends really. I was unhappy basically all around.

The control I felt by following the rules and rituals really made me feel like I was accomplished, determined and it was a way of me proving to myself that I could stick to something and do well at it, (losing weight).

Soon though gaining weight was tied to failure, and maintaining any weight that I was at, made me feel, lazy. Like I wasn't trying hard enough.

This is just a snip-bit of the begining. Since the start of all this other reasons have revealed themselves and as you all know, Anorexia is a myriad of complications with self-esteem, body image, wants/desires, confidence and blah blah blah, the list goes on.

Right now, I must focus on retraining my brain. I kind of see an eating disorder, espicially Anorexia as a science. A Biological condition. The cortex and the limbic system need to be reestablished in a healthy approach so I can continue on with recovering, not only from a drastically low weight, but from the obsessive compulsions my personality is victim to.

Tonight also, I have my first support group of young girls with eating disorders. Very excited, very nervous. I hope I like it and I really hope I make some friends.

When I am alone and do not socialize I tend of struggle. Of course! We are all social creatures.

=D

-Amy

Today

Today my aunt Peggy is going to make dinner. Enchiladas.

I have difficulty enjoying food not made by me, I'm always scared of exchanges and fear foods like butter and oil.

I have a lot of fear revolving around fats.

My therapist says to talk with Peggy when she makes family dinners about accomodating a bit to my comfortability.

Last weekend she made hamburgers and bread. With lots and lots of butter and oil. I restricted terribly.

I must be comfortable with my meals in order to not trigger a lapse or slip.

So my goal today is to:

Enjoy dinner

Talk with Peggy about making meals (using less butter, less cheese and/or putting the cheese on the side)

I need to challenge myself; so I should still incorporate some cheese. My goal is to eat normally, to enjoy regular food.

Don't over exercise

Do not restrict at dinner

I hope I do okay. I take responsibility.

I have been eating my snack during the day, which was a goal I set for myself. I need to stick to a schedule and not negotiate.

I am taking responsibility by doing this. By eating when hungry, not when starving.

I must admit though, eating my snack does help with the strong since of hunger before dinner.

I don't like feeling starved of course, but I do it to prove control, that I can deny my hunger and appetite. This is a distorted thought and a false since of control.

Controlling hunger/appetite does not prove control.

Ill let ya know how it goes.

-Amy

Anxiety over summer visit.

I woke up early this morning. very stressed over my trip to washington.

Im very worried about my eating options there. if I will be comfortable with the food and the amt of exercise. i guess its all about the control i will be able to have over my meal plan and exercise routine. which I am finally comfortable and doing overall pretty well here.

I feel better now, having talked to my mom and sister, but a few hours ago I was crying from pure anxiety for not knowing what to expect.

I felt that I was for sure going to balloon up and get super fat when i visit. that id be bombarded with sweets and fats, my fear foods. i know this is irrational and my ed talking, but the feeling is so immense its hard to avoid and ignore.

I talked with my mom and implemented my meal plans and my comfort zone. I will continue to exercise a healthy amount. I will eat only foods I am okay with. I will not be pressured to eat foods which will lead me to relapse.

It will be a challenge but change is inevitable. I am better now, I'm still slightly worried. but everything will be okay.

I must remind myself: that I AM an adult, and can make my own decisions. I must chose what is right for my recovery, and I will not be pressured to do anything I don't want to. I am in control. I can chose my decisions. I have the power to make the choices that are in my best interest.

Goal?

Well this morning I guess my goal is to enjoy a cookie. I want to be at a place where I can enjoy a sweet without fear or guilt.

The mornings are always my best time. I am always up for challenges and am optimistic.

Another goal that I am setting today is to stick with my meal plan schedule.

I always negotoiate my meal times. I always put them off till the last minute. Until I am starving instead of hungry.

I need to challenge myself a bit more. Ive, i guess become comfortable with the routine I have fell into.

I feel I ought to continue to challenge myself and take responsility for my recovery. and recovery is more then just eating food. Its about my relationship with food, hunger and what it means to eat.

I take responsibility to stick with my meal schedule and to enjoy the food I eat without performing rituals and distracting myself in order to not feel hunger and so forth.

Goal:

Eat protein bar at 4-5pm.

Have snacks when hungry.

Notice hunger cues.

Try to have cookie. (half? small cook?)

Exercise no more then 90 minutes.

Wish me luck! i wish people actually read this one day. Haha, right now im the only one reading this.

Well, I can feel the weight gain. In my stomach.

Honestly, i dont know if its real or not. Last time I was for sure I gained I really lost. But I can feel the weight gain. But feeling with an ED and the reality of it all are different.

I calculated my maintaince calorie intake and it is about 1850-1900 cals a day with moderate exercise.

to gain it is 2400 a day, with the same amt of exercise. Which is the amt of cals I am getting daily now on my new meal plan. I have been for the last three days counting my cals. I was curious about the amt I have been getting. I am being careful tho not to obsess about it. So today will be the last day i count. I now know on average my amt of cals, and so I can just base it on that.

I remind myself that when i am heavier at about 110 lbs I wont have to eat so much and will be able to maintain my weight. Given my meals now excluding the supplements I am taking, the calorie amt is still below my maintnance caloric intake to maintain 110.

One thing I get worried about is getting use to the amt of food I have to eat now and when I reach a healthy weight will continue to gain for the habit I fell into of eating a lot more now in order to gain. So it is relieving slightly to see that the meals I am eating are still in maintaining range.

I think for people gaining weight and who are worried about becoming an over eater, to rely on supplements for the extra cals you need to gain, while keeping a healthy meal plan that would maintain a healthy weight for you.

In a way, it makes me feel that the weight gain is out of my control, and not my 'fault'

For example, when i gained with only eating foods and not taking the supplements I saw the gain as my 'fault' as if I was doing something wrong, and had an uncontrollable appetite and could not control my own hunger.

It is kind of adjacent to some who request a feeding tube. They are getting the amt of cals they need without having the responsibility of adding the extra cals. Which i know one might say would be handing over the responsibility of recovery, but I think for right now, me relying on the supplements for the extra calories is mind easing and is helping me.

Goals for today:

Dont exercise more then 2 hrs.

Follow meal plan. (incorporate fats) adding fats is something I find very difficult.

Spread meal plan out. (I always hold off as long as possible to eat, so by the time I eat I am very hungry.)

I discovered that Im nervous when i get hungry. Or eating too early. Im scared that if i eat I will be hungry later. I hate being hungry when its not a meal time. I feel like I will need more and more food in order to be satisfied or 'full'.

How to resolve: Spread out meals. Have one fruit and one starch for snack. Maybe a pro bar.

Im just so scared that even if I eat, I will be hungry no matter what. Hunger still represents failure, temptation or the feeling of never being satisfied and full.

"Lord I pray to be clear minded."

obsessing again

I've been becoming obsessed with the amt of exercise. i track every minute and total it at the end of each day. which is what I use to do with calories.

i know its just a distraction. i am trading one destructive distraction for the other.

I mustn't focus so much on numbers.

Exercise

Well, I have been keeping track of the amt of walking im doing in a day.
I average about 2 hrs of moderate walking at 3mph.
I dont know if this is too much or just enough.
I have anxiety and boredom and exercise is a way to relieve both.
I have problems with feelings productive. I hate feeling idle and lazy, stuck. So I ususally go on walks to go out and do something, its relaxing.
In the past I have used exercise to compensate for the cals I eat. I dont know if subconciously I am doing this still. I think I am in a way. I make it a goal everyday to exercise at least an hour. if i dont reach this limit I get very antsy. I want to stay in the habit of walking for health becuse when i do reach a normal weight I dont want to have gotten use to staying inside all day not being able to exercise. My nutrionist upped my meal plan so that I will keep gaining. In the last month since I left in treatment I lost about 2 pounds. when i got out I was 91, last thursday I was 88.8
The first few days of my new mp (meal plan) I was very very nervous. I was scared that id gain very quickly, though I know is essentially I good thing, but I dont want to gain so fast where the weight is unproportionate.
I know i have a struggle with over exercising and I guess its me falling into a cyle of purging which is common with recovery anorexics. Most who relapse, relapse from bulimia. Though I dont vomit, I have a history of exercising too much as a way to 'purge'.
i dont see exercising as a bad things really, but i know that it might hinder my recovery.
On saturday i was having body image problems. Which is rare. I have kind of gotten over the worries of body image but saturday I was feeling like I did not need to gain anymore. I felt fine, healthy and normal looking even at my weight. The ED was telling me that I did not need to gain and I was fine the way I am. I asked friends if I looked too think still, and they all said 'a bit' except one who said i was still waaay too skinny.
this made me worry, if I look just only a lil bit too thin now what will I look like at my goal wieght? which is 110.
ive since then gotten over this feeling. I tell myself my teen age friends dont really know what theyre talking about. they dont want to insult me by saying I look drastically skeletal so I just need to ignore them. They dont know the details with anorexia.
'Being healthy and normal is fat and being too thin is just right.'
I use pictures of inspirational beautiful women who are at a healthy weight. like Crystal Renn. I also remember my counclers and girls who recovered from anorexia at rader like my nutritionist and therapists, who are still slender, and healthy.
I tell myself that I wont be fat, and I will always exercise in a healthy amt and will eat appropiatetly.
I have lots and lots of fears actually about my recovery, about becoming an overeater, and gaining too much.
But I just need to reaffirm, that I am in control. That I will exercise moderately, be healthy and eat right, and will be at a healthy normal weight and will accept my new body. I am NOT my weight and even if my healthy set point is over my goal weight, I will still accept it and love it as it is. Becuase I am interesting, charming and authentically beautiful.
Well...i will continue to post. No one is reading these Im sure but maybe one day someone will find this blog and hopefully by then i will be in a better place and be able to inspire others through my recovery and be capable of handing encouragment to others.
Untill next time, (probably this afternoon... too much free time since school is over)
lol
=D
-Amy

Re-start

Well, I have always wanted to keep posts upon a blog. To connect with others through writing about my concerns, interests and so forth.
I always read others blogs in order to be inspired and be lead in a positive direction.
The only thing is though I dont know what exactly to dedicate my blog to.
I guess I could write about my recovery from anorexia. I could post my poems, short stories, thoughts, articles I come across I deem fit.
So I guess this blog will be a myriad of writings I find helpful for me and hopefully soon, people will read what i post and find the same encouragment that I find in writing it.

The meaning of the name for this blof, "Ask a me, why?"
Is suppose to sound similar to my name, AMY.
Ask a me why I thought was appropiate becuase I always tend to ask myself questions, about how I feel or think about myself and situations happening within myself and in the world, so I suppose this blog will be also, me answering my own questions I often ask myself.
I hope I stay dedicated to this blog, I already journal fantically on my own, but I think picking certain topics for this specific blog, will be helpful for me and who ever else.

CHEERS!
=D

PS: I will write later today about my progress and things about recovery and what I am struggling with at the moment.