Well, I can feel the weight gain. In my stomach.

Honestly, i dont know if its real or not. Last time I was for sure I gained I really lost. But I can feel the weight gain. But feeling with an ED and the reality of it all are different.

I calculated my maintaince calorie intake and it is about 1850-1900 cals a day with moderate exercise.

to gain it is 2400 a day, with the same amt of exercise. Which is the amt of cals I am getting daily now on my new meal plan. I have been for the last three days counting my cals. I was curious about the amt I have been getting. I am being careful tho not to obsess about it. So today will be the last day i count. I now know on average my amt of cals, and so I can just base it on that.

I remind myself that when i am heavier at about 110 lbs I wont have to eat so much and will be able to maintain my weight. Given my meals now excluding the supplements I am taking, the calorie amt is still below my maintnance caloric intake to maintain 110.

One thing I get worried about is getting use to the amt of food I have to eat now and when I reach a healthy weight will continue to gain for the habit I fell into of eating a lot more now in order to gain. So it is relieving slightly to see that the meals I am eating are still in maintaining range.

I think for people gaining weight and who are worried about becoming an over eater, to rely on supplements for the extra cals you need to gain, while keeping a healthy meal plan that would maintain a healthy weight for you.

In a way, it makes me feel that the weight gain is out of my control, and not my 'fault'

For example, when i gained with only eating foods and not taking the supplements I saw the gain as my 'fault' as if I was doing something wrong, and had an uncontrollable appetite and could not control my own hunger.

It is kind of adjacent to some who request a feeding tube. They are getting the amt of cals they need without having the responsibility of adding the extra cals. Which i know one might say would be handing over the responsibility of recovery, but I think for right now, me relying on the supplements for the extra calories is mind easing and is helping me.

Goals for today:

Dont exercise more then 2 hrs.

Follow meal plan. (incorporate fats) adding fats is something I find very difficult.

Spread meal plan out. (I always hold off as long as possible to eat, so by the time I eat I am very hungry.)

I discovered that Im nervous when i get hungry. Or eating too early. Im scared that if i eat I will be hungry later. I hate being hungry when its not a meal time. I feel like I will need more and more food in order to be satisfied or 'full'.

How to resolve: Spread out meals. Have one fruit and one starch for snack. Maybe a pro bar.

Im just so scared that even if I eat, I will be hungry no matter what. Hunger still represents failure, temptation or the feeling of never being satisfied and full.

"Lord I pray to be clear minded."