Patterns

Well, a new topic I would like to address would be my trigger for the onset of my Anorexia.

I acknowledge it was started by the fact that I wanted to lose weight. I crash dieted for the purpose of losing 10-15 lbs for I thought I was over weight and was unhappy in my body.

I have always been very self-conciouse about my body and so dieting was a very touchy matter for me to get involved with.

But I do not think however my drive for continuing the diet evolving into Anorexia was based off my hope of being thin and socially attractive.

The patterns of the rules I set for myself became a habit. A very destructive habit and soon i was addicted to them. They caused a since of control and a high that lead me to feel like I was accomplishing something. At this time in my life I did not feel in control of anything really. I was failing High School classes, no friends really. I was unhappy basically all around.

The control I felt by following the rules and rituals really made me feel like I was accomplished, determined and it was a way of me proving to myself that I could stick to something and do well at it, (losing weight).

Soon though gaining weight was tied to failure, and maintaining any weight that I was at, made me feel, lazy. Like I wasn't trying hard enough.

This is just a snip-bit of the begining. Since the start of all this other reasons have revealed themselves and as you all know, Anorexia is a myriad of complications with self-esteem, body image, wants/desires, confidence and blah blah blah, the list goes on.

Right now, I must focus on retraining my brain. I kind of see an eating disorder, espicially Anorexia as a science. A Biological condition. The cortex and the limbic system need to be reestablished in a healthy approach so I can continue on with recovering, not only from a drastically low weight, but from the obsessive compulsions my personality is victim to.

Tonight also, I have my first support group of young girls with eating disorders. Very excited, very nervous. I hope I like it and I really hope I make some friends.

When I am alone and do not socialize I tend of struggle. Of course! We are all social creatures.

=D

-Amy