Exercise

Well, I have been keeping track of the amt of walking im doing in a day.
I average about 2 hrs of moderate walking at 3mph.
I dont know if this is too much or just enough.
I have anxiety and boredom and exercise is a way to relieve both.
I have problems with feelings productive. I hate feeling idle and lazy, stuck. So I ususally go on walks to go out and do something, its relaxing.
In the past I have used exercise to compensate for the cals I eat. I dont know if subconciously I am doing this still. I think I am in a way. I make it a goal everyday to exercise at least an hour. if i dont reach this limit I get very antsy. I want to stay in the habit of walking for health becuse when i do reach a normal weight I dont want to have gotten use to staying inside all day not being able to exercise. My nutrionist upped my meal plan so that I will keep gaining. In the last month since I left in treatment I lost about 2 pounds. when i got out I was 91, last thursday I was 88.8
The first few days of my new mp (meal plan) I was very very nervous. I was scared that id gain very quickly, though I know is essentially I good thing, but I dont want to gain so fast where the weight is unproportionate.
I know i have a struggle with over exercising and I guess its me falling into a cyle of purging which is common with recovery anorexics. Most who relapse, relapse from bulimia. Though I dont vomit, I have a history of exercising too much as a way to 'purge'.
i dont see exercising as a bad things really, but i know that it might hinder my recovery.
On saturday i was having body image problems. Which is rare. I have kind of gotten over the worries of body image but saturday I was feeling like I did not need to gain anymore. I felt fine, healthy and normal looking even at my weight. The ED was telling me that I did not need to gain and I was fine the way I am. I asked friends if I looked too think still, and they all said 'a bit' except one who said i was still waaay too skinny.
this made me worry, if I look just only a lil bit too thin now what will I look like at my goal wieght? which is 110.
ive since then gotten over this feeling. I tell myself my teen age friends dont really know what theyre talking about. they dont want to insult me by saying I look drastically skeletal so I just need to ignore them. They dont know the details with anorexia.
'Being healthy and normal is fat and being too thin is just right.'
I use pictures of inspirational beautiful women who are at a healthy weight. like Crystal Renn. I also remember my counclers and girls who recovered from anorexia at rader like my nutritionist and therapists, who are still slender, and healthy.
I tell myself that I wont be fat, and I will always exercise in a healthy amt and will eat appropiatetly.
I have lots and lots of fears actually about my recovery, about becoming an overeater, and gaining too much.
But I just need to reaffirm, that I am in control. That I will exercise moderately, be healthy and eat right, and will be at a healthy normal weight and will accept my new body. I am NOT my weight and even if my healthy set point is over my goal weight, I will still accept it and love it as it is. Becuase I am interesting, charming and authentically beautiful.
Well...i will continue to post. No one is reading these Im sure but maybe one day someone will find this blog and hopefully by then i will be in a better place and be able to inspire others through my recovery and be capable of handing encouragment to others.
Untill next time, (probably this afternoon... too much free time since school is over)
lol
=D
-Amy