Normal life here I come

Hopefully I get there.

I want a normal life! That's my goal now. To live like a normal well-balanced person.

Though I must keep my meal plan separate and steady. I can live like a normal person, but my meal plan is set. It's my medication.

I really hope I can land that job at Spencer's. I have an interview today!

It sounds like it won't be a lot of hours, which is nice. It won't overwhelm me hopefully and just give me extra cash and structured time.

I didn't reach 2hours yesterday! WOW! I KNOW!

I only walked about 95mins. I had the chance to walk more since I was home alone last night but I didn't. And I added an extra starch with snack because I knew I didn't have quite enough at dinner.

I feel not so pressured now. When Sunny said I could walk 2 hrs a day before, I took that as a should. Haha. I know. I felt that 2hours a day was the only way that i wouldn't gain a whole bunch. But now, with my upped meal plan and the decreased walking I know I will gain and that it's because of the protein bars, the cut on walking and the increased meal plan.

I do want to gain weight, but only when I know it's from extra then what I'd usually eat if I could control my food and walking. I always freak out about gaining if I didn't have a scapegoat. Something to blame for the weight gain. When I don't I end up not trusting my body and metabolism. I feel that my body will always gain due to my appetite and metabolism. I just feel more at ease being able to have the supplements to excuse the weight increase. It's as though saying that it's their fault, not mine.

So I must stay aware with my eating and exercise. I need to remind myself that if I do restrict it'll only hurt me in the long run because if I do gain when I know that I am not enough or exercising too much, I'll turn against my body and think that I need to over-control it just to maintain and not always, always gain.

I will gain weight because:

1- My weight is low, thus it needs less calories to maintain.

2- I take protein bars which add at least 500 calories a day extra then what I'd usually eat.

3- The decreased walking.

4- The increased meal plan. I wouldn't usually eat so much at every meal. I'd have a fruit instead of a starch, or not as many starches or fats. But I can't do that now, right now I need the extra foods.

I am in control of my appetite. Though I don't need to be. Listening to my wants and my appetite will not lead me to gain forever, espeically at a normal, healthy weight. My weight is so low now, that it requires less calories then my goal weight.

Another goal today is to:

Have complete fruit with noon snack. At lunch I'll have 1/2 banana. And a 1/2 apple with noon snack equaling one full fruit.

For my p.m. snack I will have: Apple, and raisins.

I do feel in a better spot now though. I think the site of the weight loss made me aware yet again that I do need extra food then what I'd usually eat to gain. It was reassurance that my body wasn't completely fucked up and that I need to put extra effort into eating more to gain because I want to gain and thus I need to eat more.

110 pounds is not fat. It's still thin. I will always be healthy and will always exercise and will always be eat accordingly.

I know the exercise I 'should-ed' myself, was me still holding on to the ed in one way or another. To feel in control.

goodbye exercise

Well I saw Sunny yesterday. I lost 3 lbs! I can't believe it. I knew I didn't gain, but lost? I didn't expect.

She upped my meal plan to where it was before when I did gain and she really urged me to cut out my walking. Which I am really gonna try to do. I'm gonna cut out my morning walks which is what usually sets me over, I walk enough during the day anyways, so I hope I can deal with that.

It scares me because the behaviors such as walking and restricting are all more of compulsive behaviors I am stuck in. It's not as though I am trying to lose weight. Not consciously anyways.

But I did have my snack yesterday. With pro bar, extra exchange from increased meal-plan and an apple. It made me very, VERY full and I wasn't at all hungry for dinner but at least I had it.

Also, my nighttime snack I made as the night before. Ate it in like an hour! So I actually got to bed at a decent hour. 10:30! Tho I ended up falling asleep around 11. But at least I could rest well. I think the more sleep will help in general with my mood.

So today I will try my hardest to cut back on exercise. I think this is good because it'll be more of a normal life style. I think the summer was sort of counteractive, though I did gain some at a point, but it gave me more free time and without productive things to do with my time, so I ended up walking more.

What is a normal life?!

One with a job, one with school, one with time to do my art and hang with friends.

I want to live a normal life, and not dedicate so much time and energy towards foods and exercise. Hopefully this will help me stay distracted from the weight gain and the compulsive thinking and just be mindful with a normal life I want and let the body heal on it's own.

A normal life:

I have a part-time job, I work there and enjoy the people and the work. It gives me enough money to feel financially secure and it gives me things to stay productive with. I go to school and really challenge myself in my art and exploring different avenues. I hang out with friends and family and don't replace time with them with exercise regimens and meals. A normal life is one where I don't feel obligated to exercise 2hrs a day. This is realistically way too much. Someone with a LIFE does not have time to dedicate towards so much exercise.

I need to get into the routine of a normal life which I want in the future. Exercise including. I want to spend my time doing things I enjoy, not reaching a quota.

At first I was freaked out because I was scared I'd gain a lot very fast. But this is unrealistic. I will still exercise, I have to through out the day since no car, and following my meal-plan 100% is hard for me anyways, so I won't gain a lot, probably 1-1.5 lbs a week. Which is what happened before and that is what I am comfortable with. Also, in Rader I gained more then that and couldn't necessarily tell. I think because I was so busy with other things, like myself, friends and therapy. If I stay immersed in a normal well-balanced life I hope I won't obsess over everything as much.

I want a normal life! First and foremost. I don't want a life of an Anorexics. One is lonely and isolated, self-hateful and obsessive. Distorted and disillusioned.

I am in control though. I must remind myself of that. Peg and Kelly can't control me, my exercise limit and what I eat. I am in charge. So, I am responsible for taking charge of my recovery. Because I must do this for me and not them.

So far so good

Last night I mixed up my snack. I had my starch from dinner with my yogurt and fruit and ate my pro bars with it instead of saving them for when I add my oatmeal. Also, I made my oatmeal before hand, and cooled it so when I added it, it was like a granola instead. So I didn't reheat it at all! I'm very pleased with this.

I went to bed like an hour and half early so I got a pretty good nights sleep.

I lately have been having problems with sleeping. The reason is because I drink lots of water before bed. So I stopped doing that so I don't have to wake in the middle of the night to use the restroom.

I need to take care of myself.

-No drinking lots of water before bed.

-No caffeine past afternoon.

-Listen to body. don't over exercise when incredibally tired and hot.

Today is so hot. 110 degrees! So I'm gonna save some of my walking for a night walk. I'll leave after dinner, walk and read. Then be back around 9-9:30pm for snack. Hopefully be in bed by 11pm.

So I'm gonna have the same sort of snack tonight. It's way quicker. I don't know why exactly I feel I need to eat so slowly. When i watch T.V. while eating I feel in competition with the show! FUCKING STUPID!

Like if I'm done eating before the show is over I feel it won. I feel bad for eating so quickly. Or not slow enough.

I'm really gonna try to challenge my food rituals today. No reheating, eating snack in the mid-day. (pro bar, fruit and anything left from lunch or breakfast)

Snack attack

I had my snack again yesterday at Whole Foods. I also had it with my starch from lunch which I used an apple for.

The only draw back of it was that I totally got overwhelmed with figuring out the rest of my snack. I calculated over and over and over totally immersed. It was so stressful and I completely hated it. I didn't know what I wanted, which is so stressful. It feels like there's a right choice and a wrong.

So given this, I need to plan a bit more ahead and stay with similar snacks which will equal up to my amount for snack. 500-530 calories.

Today my goal is to have my snack in class. And to have apart of an apple. This way I can eat more normally and eat when hungry. If I don't I will feel defeated and like a failure.

Why does the Ed want me to hold off eating till last moment?

yesterday I talked with Carla about how I am very frugal with any type of resource. Be it food, money, cigarettes, gum! Anything. Anything that is dwindling or being threatened with running out I become stressed out.

This is due from my childhood. From when I lived with my Mom and money and food was tight. Where waisting food was bad and left overs were essential.

But I need to remind myself that I am not in that environment any longer.

I'm really trying to spread out my eating because when i don't I completely feel disgusted and guilty that I eat so much at one time, I freak out that I might become bulimic or an over-eater. I feel immense shame and embarrassment, so I restrict to prove that I can control my appetite and my food.

Also, my snack leads me to stay up very late. Especially with all of the ridiculous rituals I have with disordered eating.

I guess another goal of mine should be to cut back on my rituals and try to sustain from doing those things and instead to just focus on eating the normal food and tasting the food as it naturally is without me fucking it all up.

Also, I need to stay on track with exercise. To plan ahead to make sure I don't go over too much.

Today:

50 min walk at park

20 min to bus

15 to class

15-20 to bus home

15 walk home

Equals to about 115 mins. Knowing me I'll go over just a bit, but at least now I have a ball-park idea.

Snack

As I noted yesterday, my goal was to have a part of my p.m. Snack in the day.

Yesterday I was having my yogurt, starch and 1/2 T. peanut butter and Kelly came out and was ready to go out for dinner with me and Peg. I didn't know at all we were planning this!

So I opted not to go.

Just because it was so unexpected, and I was already eating.

I cried.

I felt bad. I felt like the ED was holding me back from going and spending time with them.

I really wanted to get on the exercise bike when they left. I hadn't reached my limit yet. But I didn't walk nonetheless knowing that I would leave later that night!

That afternoon I went with them to the mall and to look at houses. I set another goal to dedicate a walk at night so that I wouldn't go too much over, since I like to leave at night sometimes. When we got home and they took a nap, instead of leaving with a lame excuse just to go walk, I worked on my artwork.

So I'm proud of myself.

Another BIG feat of mine, is that I had my 1/2 protein bar. I didn't have it with my original snack.I almost didn't have it. But when Kelly and Peg left I knew that I would just feel like a failure if I didn't. Like I had lost which would feed into my fear of forming Bulimia and late night eating so I went out and had my pro bar. And I ate it normally. Without any weird eventual agenda. I just laid on my bed and ate it. At a semi-normal pace.

Also, during my P.m. snack I didn't reheat my food a million different times. Only about three times.

This really makes me feel in control because I'm trying to get rid of these rituals and the disordered eating.

I did go out at night for a walk. I ended up walking 20 minutes over. Which I know is still a bit too much. But the principle is what I'm proud of. That I didn't plan for the future by over exercising in the day and then leaving at night for a walk which would make me feel bad anyways.

Today my goal is to have a part of my snack again in late afternoon.

I must keep goal in mind. Peggy being at home is not a bad thing. Even though the ED feels threatened I am still in control and must follow my m.p. best I can. Peggy nor Kelly can control me and my food and exercise. I am in the control of that and myself. I know that I can easily restrict my food and over exercise. This proves that I am in the control though in a destructive way, so there is not any reason to prove so. I am holding back on exercise for myself, because I want a normal life that is not controlled by the ED. I follow my m.p. best I can because I want to be healthy and to be able to think about other things then food.

The life I want is one without an ED. One not judged my food intake or exercise.

I want to be seen as a creative woman. One who is artistic, authentic and beautiful. Who is characterized by her ability to create and to express through art. To be viewed as an liberated, free, intellectual person that is not at all judged or identified with being thin.

Progress

Yes progress.

I'm relieved to see my progress that I have made.

For example, I use to eat the right things only to please others. Only when other's were around to witness I ate okay. My recovery was the responsibility of others. They picked the foods and times to eat.

This is the first time I am fully taking responsibility for my recovery. Now, at snack times and meal times, I take charge and chose to do my best because I am doing it for myself not others.

I don't wait for others to 'see' me eat. I do it because if I don't and I see myself slipping I feel bad. I'm happy to see this progress.

I must notice the progress I have made by myself in recovery and be proud of myself for it. I know that the strides I have made, despite my present struggles are due to me taking control of my own recovery and my own life.

Also, I am trying to really control my exercise.

Yes, I still do technically over exercise. But it's been less over.

Usually 20-30 minutes opposed to an hour.

To distract me and pass time, I have been doing my artwork. Exploring new mediums and really getting into that. I like partaking in art and it really helps me with seeing myself as an artist, not as an 'Anorexic'.

My goals for today are to:

Have fats with all meals.

Stay within exercise limitations.

HAVE P.M. SNACK DURING DAY.

(since I am so worried about getting into the habit of late night eating which might turn into bulimia and over-eating, I need to control the problem by taking responsibility by eating at least one part of snack in the day. It's getting out of hand. I stay up late every night finishing my snack and performing all the OCD like rituals. Getting up like literally 20 times to reheat my food and add seasonings.

These rituals and nervous habits are so ridiculous and ob-surd. I just get so anxious if I don't reheat the food, if I don't pile on seasonings and random shit. I always feel the food would be better if I just added something. If I just did 'one more thing' to it. But the food always ends up the same tasting. If you add enough sweet n' lows and cinnamon and allspice any food would taste just the same. it's like I feel only comfortable with foods that are the same. I know what to expect with the food and it's taste if I perform the same taste manipulating rituals over and over. Instead of just tasting the real food as it is.

Shoulds

Shoulds. I should be this I should do that.

I always compare myself with my shoulds.

"I should be stronger in my recovery." I think this because I was stronger and more motivated before. It's all grown weary and somewhat stale.

People say recovery gets easier. But for me it's only getting harder.

I feel I'm relapsing when I over exercise. I feel grief and failure because I did so and thus feel hopeless and angry with myself.

But does over exercising mean I'm failing? No. Rationally I know this. Exercise addiction is my addiction with restricting food transferring over to exercise of course. My quest for power and self-control is now mostly targeted through exercise instead of restricting. Though I notice that I am not eating enough. I still stick with my meal plan mostly, but I make negotiations. Like saying half a pudding cup is equal to a starch exchange. Little things like that.

I need to accept myself and be patient. If I look at how far I have come since last year, or two years ago I am so much better! OMG you have no idea. Now I do eat food. I don't fear eating an apple.

So I can only hope that with a lot more time, things will naturally evolve to a better place.

Maybe I should stop trying to control and direct recovery and progress. It's a process, not an event.

Maybe that's what I really need to give notice of. That things will get better on their own with time and patience. I need to stop trying to control the situation and just let it be. Just let life go on and live a life that I want and that I like and let the natural evolution of recovery to take place on it's own. To not think so much about it. To not judge myself if I mess up and don't do things 'right'.

Maybe the most important changes and the most worth-while steps are those that I have just let happen without trying to steer the reigns.

So I guess I should really try to stop obsessing over it. I'm a control freak. I'm trying to control everything. I'm trying to control recovery just I controlled food. Same black and white thinking.

Food was bad. Messing up in recovery is bad. Instead I should see that food is not bad, but just an object for nutrients. That all humans need it. And that recovery is hard and doesn't happen overnight or in a few months. That recovery is like life. Ups and downs, stalls and progression. That it happens when you are living it not trying to make it into what you think it ought to be.

Also, another should of mine. This is a big one I have always had, is my self expectation that I need to have a large social group of friends. Or at least a few that I hang out with every night and do crazy 19 year olds things with.

I need to face that I am not this kinda' person.

I've always felt inadequate for not having as many friends as I think I should. Society deems 19 year olds' as crazy and spontaneous. Out doing stupid things that make impressive stories.

Jessica always saw me as a loner. As someone dependant upon her? At least I felt she thought of me this way. Same with Ruthanne and John and the rest of my family. They always talked about storied of their youth being at parties, drugging, etc and this made me compare myself to their glory days. Thinking I was insufficient with being sociable and normal.

I don't know if they at all thought this. They probably just thought I was reserved, which I am. I'm shy and rather inhibited and nervous about making new friends and putting myself in new, unfamiliar situations.

But I do break free from these ruts. That's all I am in right now. A rut. I hate ruts and I am vulnerable towards falling into them even when i get fed up with it.

But from my experience in the past, I always do find a way to climb out of it. Just give myself time.

School, a job, Peggy being retired, moving...so many things are changing which will force unfamiliar things. I admit, I'm anxious about such changes, but then again, I know I will adapt and find myself comfortable with the new environment and change eventually. I always do. I must give myself credit for adapting. I adapt to things more quickly then I think. I just need to give myself time to do so. There isn't a time limit. No ticking clock. My progress in any area is not being graded. It just is.

I have a problem with dignifying things as right or wrong. The right way or the wrong way. But only with myself. With others I am very forgiving and understanding towards reality and it's unpredictability and the flexibility of right or wrong. With others I see through grey lenses. But my self reflection is only the harsh hue of black and white.

two bites too few

Last night I was surprised by my reaction to my snack when watching Sex and the City.

Miranda was talking about how she wanted to lose weight, and went on Weight watchers. But she went into a restaurant and gave into half a glazed doughnut. She said that the treat was worth being fat for.

I felt disgusted...and angry for her giving in.

I related with her for giving in to temptation. I wasn't having a doughnut, but I wanted an extra fruit.

Tho I knew I needed more cals because my supplements didn't equal to the amount they were suppose to. 520 cals. So I said I would add another fruit or two to add to the supplement amount. But for some reason I just felt mad. Mad that I was having another fruit? I started to get choked up.

So as I was battling with throwing away the last few bites of my protein bars, I had a couple more bites. But left two bites and just threw them away.

I'm upset at this. I knew that I was not solving anything. But I think I felt anger towards the protein bars. They weren't appetizing. I wasn't enjoying the taste of them and thus didn't want them? Idk. Truly I don't exactly know what had gotten into me.

School yesterday

Well well well, school started yesterday. It was alright. I am rather anxious though about it just because it interferes with my lunch.

I hate having lunch when the environment is not completely as I'd like. I wait and wait till the moments comfortable, but the problem is the comfortable moment might arrive an hours late, or even later. I put lunch off till I am comfortable with eating, which can lead to me not following my meal schedule. I guess I see eating as this epic event. Instead of just a time when I can nourish my body because it needs it.

I really need to get a hold of this. At school I get worried that if I eat too soon, I will be hungry. I don't like being hungry.

I get nervous about feeling so. I guess I fear that I will over eat. I get embarrassed if my stomach growls around people, and so I always hold off eating till the last moment thus the food will keep me fuller for a longer duration of time. It's a way of protecting myself?

But the reality is that I will always become hungry again after eating eventually. Food never keeps people full forever.

When at school I need to bring veggies, and fruit for snacking, maybe a protein bar. And my lunch of course which will be a sandwich of sorts. Also drink water.

I can control this. I can handle this. Hunger is not the end of the world.

It's weird to me that I don't like hunger. Around people I guess.

I'd assume someone with the same problem would be more bulimic or an over eater. Eating lots of food to make sure one doesn't get hungry. But instead I control it by restricting. it's as if, I'm scared of being hungry after eating because it triggers me worrying about never sating my appetite, so to rationalize my hunger I under eat? So then I can blame my hunger on the fact I under ate opposed to facing the risk of eating enough, but still being hungry.

weigh in

I weighed myself this morning. 86.2 lbs. So since the20th of July I'm up from 84.5-84.7 Considering now that I have more food in my stomach, I haven't really gained anything. I suspect I gained a pound or two first couple weeks from the shock of actually eating but I think my metabolism has now gotten back on track and thus I haven't gained anymore considering exercise.

I think the reason I have been trying to switch up my meal plan is because I want to prove to self that I can follow meal plan, but in smaller portions. Since I am anxious about always being hungry.

But obviously it's not working.

I haven't been including all my proteins and fats. I lately have been combining the fats and proteins and saying that's enough. I have been considering calories now when planning meals. Which I know is wrong. I shouldn't decide upon meals when considering calories. Because if I know the calorie amount I will end up going lower and lower.

I feel in control though. Which I take a cue that the ED is steering the reigns more and more.

I am just so tired of following the meal plan exactly. I wanted flexibility with my meal plan a bit more. I guess I should talk with Sunny my RD about this instead of trying to control it myself. I will email her asap.

Shocker

yesterday I walked3hrs. Way too much I know.

I set out to add an extra 100 cals. Like a cookie which was 65 cals. But I had a taste, and didn't like it. So I didn't have it. I ended up adding nothing. I added a banana later on, but that still equaled to 3 fruits.

Also, I didn't really have all three starches at dinner. Yesterday I felt as though I didn't need to follow my m.p. exactly. Like it's not completely necessary.

I just want to eat normally. I figured that if a meal is enough calories then it's still okay if I don't add all exchanges. But I ask myself, why do I want to eat normally if a normal diet is suppose to maintain weight if I say my goal is to gain? I feel like the protein bars will keep me afloat. Keep me from losing.

I know I need to follow the m.p. but it's just getting so restrictive I feel. Such strict rules which make me plan and become such a die-hard perfectionist.

I worry because the fact that I feel in control now. Opposed to feeling highly uncomfortable when following m.p. If I don't feel discomfort does that mean the ED is taking back control? regarding my exhaustion from the m.p. does that mean it's time to instead switch it up and take on Sunny's pyramid plan?

I don't even really pay attention to the length of exercise I do anymore. I feel it's irrelevant and doesn't make a difference. It always feels impossible for me to lose weight when I'm eating. I am eating like a normal person...I think? Probably not though. How can I know what normal is when I've been so estranged from normal eating for so long?

To be honest, I'm feeling a pull towards accepting the waif look.As though I can maintain it and still be healthy. But my body isn't meant to be a waif. It's curvy naturally with wide hips.

I'm trying to ficus on just 110lbs. 95 in the rough moments. At least that's healthier. 110 lbs is still thin.

I just don't feel like I belong in a strong, curvy woman's body with fat and hips. Unfortunately, I feel as though my identity has become dependent upon my size. Sometimes, more frequently it's been taking effect, is my pride. A feeling of superiority. Not that I view a emaciated body as beautiful. I know men don't find it attractive, but the feeling of entitlement comes mostly from the reaction of females. It's common knowledge that the stick thin is the ideal for societal model demeanor. Even if the girl doesn't want that look for herself, and doesn't have such expectations for herself, seeing me is like, the page of a magazine that's criticized for photo-shopping and being fake-in the flesh.

I know this is the ED. I hate feeling this way. I hate having an ego-boost from appearing as something society has claimed as unrealistic and fake. I look fake, I look unreal. I look like the impossible thing woman and men will never be able to attain.

I use to be so focused on inspiring others with my recovery. Now I'm using this relapse as a way to completely do the opposite of what I wanted! That just shows the ED taking over. That is what the ED wants, not me.

I need to find other ways to gather attention from others. To seek pride in something that is mine and not the ED's.

For example:

My art. I know I am artistic and pretty good. I can show this expression through my clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry etc...

Tattoos

My interests. I like to read non-fiction which I think is an interesting trait. Especially in someone my age. I dig research and case studies and brain science and behavioral psychology.

Also-another note to self: I need to find other outlets for my attention. All I think about aaaaalllllll fucking day is food and my next meal. Ugh it makes me so weary. Hopefully when school starts I will have a means to expend more energy towards that, relationships and my future job instead of exercise and food. I wonder a lot, what would I think about without food? What would my main stresses be? Would my life be just peachy? All I'd worry about would be school, boys and a job. Or would the lack of thought on food lead to more room for thinking about my other problems which I'm too overwhelmed to even acknowledge right now. I'm curious and slightly intimidated by who I am without ED thoughts.

Exhaustion

I'm so exhausted. I cried last night again. I've been crying every night lately.

The overwhelming feeling of fighting and the disappointment from losing.

I think I can admit that I am relapsing. I feel it. I was hoping that I was getting myself out of it. Resurfacing from the WA relapse. But it's only getting harder.

I don't know when a relapse is fixable still, or when it's too late.

If I could I would go back to some sort of treatment. I really want to go into the outpatient program in Fresno during the day. But, insurance has ran out for the year. I'll have to pay out of pocket for therapy. Which is naturally stressing me out since I don't have a job yet.

I'm trying to reignite my motivation.But the motivations I used before have grown stale. Not that I don't want to be healthy and feminine with a woman's body. But these things seems unattainable and so far away. Impossible kind of. When I'm fronted with food and eating, I don't see the goal. I don't see my motivations. I see food and I feel discomfort and fear and a clenching determination to avoid it and get rid of it, to just stay away from it and not deal with it.

last night fix up

Yesterday I over exercised. By about 45mins. Which is usual for me lately.

I decided to add a 1/4 cup of ice cream. Which was 65 cals, which is technically according to my RD makes up for about 20 mins of over walking. But I was scared to. I tried once. Scooped then put back. Then I went back and added it.

This morning I had all of breakfast. Didn't cut of crust of toast.

I don't know rationally why I feel scared. I know it's rediculous. I ask myself why I feel fear. I feel like something bad will happen. Like I will gain a lot as if I am already eating enough to gain and don't need anymore assistance with gaining.

Idk if I am being irrational and having distorted thoughts. I feel like I have already over eaten and that I need not to worry about eating more since some time during the day I have already gone over my meal plan.

But no, I know...deep down, that I am not going over. I do still restrict portions and count exchanges and enough when they're not. Like yesterday for dinner I counted a 110 cal tortilla as 2 starches instead of one, because I was basing it off of the bread I always have. Two pieces is 110 cals, so I count as 2 starches even though my RD said that I need 3 of those bread pieces to consider two starches.

What am I truly feeling?! I'm trying to dig deep and really notice the emotions I'm having leading me to this spot where I'm at.

I feel:

-Guilty for blowing off friends.

-Angry at self for not hanging with others as much as I should. (I know I do want to see people and socialize. I'd enjoy it and I do want to. But I don't hang long when I do because of 'snack'. I don't know if I'm unconciously sabotaging myself and any relationships by using my snack as an excuse to avoid. I feel like I want to hang with people and spend time. But another part is suspicious if I'm just avoiding them unintentionally and isolating. That's what I'm worried and upset about.)

-Worried about money.

-Insecure about people thinking I'm a 'loser'. I.e.: Kelly, Joe, Peggy... For not hanging with friends as much as what I consider what a, 'normal 19 year old' would be doing.

-I'm very suspicious and insecure about people judging me and my ability to make friends. I've always been embarrassed if I don't go out and do things and partake in a social life. I do like seeing friends but not as much as others I think. I'm always shy and on edge when with someone unfamiliar in a place that's unknown. I fear just the uncertainty of it. Being away from home, (my haven, my safe place.) I feel trapped and controlled. Like I won't have anywhere to run off to for safety if I need to escape. Feeling this way just in general makes me feel inadequate and 'weird'.

Like a freak that people will judge and be turned off by.

What is a normal though? There are lots of people like me.

I use my food and my meal planning as an obvious distraction. I think and think and plan and plan and calculate and figure. The next meal is so constructed and well-planned out because I fear if I don't know what I want, I will change mind multiple times and then eat more. Not having my next meal leads me to panic, which then leads me to protect myself by restricting just so I can feel safe and controlled because under-eating is better then over-eating in the ED thought process.

Idk what I'm distracting myself from completely. A lot of things I imagine.

Moving in with Peggy? Or Kelly.

Job stresses/money/school and time.

Feeling a void. That's a big one. I noticed a void. I never felt it before. Well...I have felt it to some extent, but could never name it. I can acknowledge now this void is stemmed from my lack of relationships. Friends. I mean, real friends. Not Joe, though he does help with the casual friendship. But meaningful friends. I know I do have people in my life who care. Ruthanne, Jessica (if I did start talking with her again) and Kelly.

These people will always be there if I needed them. I just have a problem with reaching out to them when I need them. I always suspect I'll bother them and they'll get fed up with me. That they'll get upset with me admitting my pitfalls, and that I will be exposed and vulnerable and they'll reject me in some way.

I need to be authentic and speak out my needs and wants. To not be so insecure about how they effect others and not to fret over looking needy or vulnerable.I need to take risks, to reach out to people and put myself on the line. They might turn away, but with my family, I know they won't leave me. I just have to put my feet down and put me first.

Still on my feet? Or have I slipped?

I weighed myself this morning. Since the 20th of July I have gained 2 lbs. On Kelly's scale.

I don't really know if I am progressing or if I am struggling so much it is holding back progress?

Apart of me feels like I am struggling and I don't feel as though I'm gaining. When I saw the number I don't really know how I felt.

I kinda' felt worried and upset. I just want the wght to happen on its own and me not worry about it. Is two lbs in the two-three weeks I've been back okay? I also suspect that I weighed heavier on the scale then I actually am. Idk what two lbs feels like and can't tell really. I know I've gained some...but two lbs?

I think I just wanted to still gain while still in some way still be with the ED.

I know I'm struggling though. More and more. In WA the restrictive eating was in some way intentional. I knew that I was going to lose but felt I needed to. Here...apart of me fights to stay grounded and not believe and listen to the ED.

I don't want to be struggling so much to the point where I relapse and lose anymore. Despite the discomfort and troubles I'm having now I still want to know that I'm well enough to still keep reality in check and gain. Wght loss, or lack of sufficient wght gain I see as a cue that I am relapsing especially since I am not intentionally doing so.

My ED has gotten to the point before where it leads me and I feel like I don't have a say in what it makes me do with food and my meals.'m scared that it's gaining back that kind of control once again.

I kind of feel like I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Of course I know! It's obvious why. Exercising too much. Not eating enough. Cheating with exchanges and meal plan. What did I expect? But another side of me, feels like I am doing fine, and that I should be gaining wght.

I guess that clarifies that I need to pay attention. I can't intuitively eat like normal people do because intuitive eating leads to ED calling the shots. I need to be aware and really, really pay attention to what I am doing. I need to ask myself if I am following my plan and answer honestly. It's difficult to answer honestly. To trust whichever answer to be the real honest answer. Is it mine or the ED's answer that I'm believing?

Good bye honeymoon

Well I guess the place where I am at now in recovery has finally ventured out of it's honeymoon stage.

That's what I call the stage I was in right out of Rader. Where everything is peachy and you are just so excited and motivated to do everything right and follow recovery's path to the tee and not drift at all.

But...life caught up and brought on rain, thunder storms, bird shit on window shields and crazy hitch-hikers all causing some sort of obstacle and detour. Now the steering is more difficult then before, harder to drive in the right direction and resist life's struggles pulling me back to the road I am use to. (the ed behaviors)

I've been crying a lot. From exhaustion, fear and disappointment.

I'm exhausted from obsessing, thinking and fighting with food, myself and the ed.

I'm scared of digressing further. Not making progress and falling deeper into the ed. Losing.

I'm disappointed in myself from struggling. I'm frustrated for having trouble in recovery and am upset that it's not getting easier.

Everyone told me recovery would get easier. But from what I can tell it's gotten a fucking lot more harder. I guess that is why I deem myself officially over the honey moon stage. Where my relationship with my recovery has brought on difficulties and conflicts.

I feel at times, that recovery is getting in the way of my social life. No flexibility with my food schedule. But I know that's distorted.

Recovery I must acknowledge is a daily thing. A moment to moment occurrence that will sooner or later drive forward to a better place. I hope.

Change change come this way

I am growing so tired and weary of my routine. I use to turn to the stability of my routine in the day for comfort. It used to feel safe. it does still feel safe...but it feels like a different type of safety. Like instead of the routine protecting me causing comfort, it now feels like it's trapping me inside a box shutting out anything from the outside world.

Though I feel frustrated with it, I am not making any decisions to change the problem.

What can I do to change the routine?

I could eat during the day. Like a pro bar. But I'm scared that I'll really want the pro bar at night as usual and then have it.

Ugh I hate being so torn.

Last night I went for a 20 minute walk. Though I had already reached 2 hrs exactly. I was struggling with going out all evening. I stalled myself and took a shower instead. Then after that Kelly went to bed early. So I left, with the prepared excuse that I saw Joe in case she asked.

I felt guilty for giving in. I felt shame for not trusting myself with my meal plan which is a reason that I walk over the preferred limit.

I feel guilt for feeling like I'm becoming bulimic. Like I can't control myself unless I purge.(exercise)

I don't binge technically, but my night routine of fruit and pro bars feels as tough I'm creating a binge out of my meal plan.

Also, I have no support. I don't feel like I can talk with Kelly. She seems tired of talking with me. I understand. Like she is just fed up. I'm sure this is distorted. She loves me and understands that I do need support. But I'm hesitant to open up to her because I'm scared that doing so will lead her to control me and what I eat.I'm scared that she will judge me and be upset and disappointed that I am struggling.

Me and Jess are not talking. I deleted her from my phone. She got upset at me for losing weight. I just get so pissed off when she yells at me for not moving forward quick enough or in the right way. She only is there for me when she sees me doing well. When I'm doing it 'right'. When I mess up it means I'm not trying. That I'm being selfish and childlike.

But she was someone I could talk to none the less.

Ruthanne I know gives support always, but sometimes I feel that her 'a hug will solve everything' approach naive and not always effective. I need support that is factual. Something concrete and analytical so I can examine it and trust it's simple objectivity without involving feelings which I'm already overwhelmed with as it is.

I guess I should look to myself for support. I know this disease more then anyone really.

-If I overexercise I will never allow myself to trust myself. I need to prove to myself that I can trust myself to not go over m.p. I haven't in the past, and I don't now. I fear I will because of past experiences with binging when I've restricted weeks and weeks. That is normal. The body needed food and was gonna get it with or without my consent.

-Eating one extra fruit will not cause harm. Nor faster weight gain. In Rader they allowed an optional snack at night which just shows that it's okay to do so.

-No one's appetite ceases. It is never sated. That is the human condition. There will always be more food to fill you when you are hungry again. Satisfaction is not permanent.

-recovery is very tough. It's painful. But it's suppose to be. No one talks about how fun recovery is. It's shit and sucks. But the struggle shows that you are at least dealing with the problems. If you didn't have discomforted feelings it's because you're not facing the issues. The point is to at least be moving forward. One moment at a time. Just pay attention to each moment at a time! Make the decision that's in my best interest and move on. That's all you can do.

Back home

Well I am trying to incorporate a social life with people. To not plan my entire day towards exercise. I want to do something. With someone.

So, I exercised the majority of my limit already. Came home planning possibly on inviting Kelly to go out with me. And later tonight I can finish my walking, since I usually go out to walk at night anyways, this way, I won't as likely go over.

But no one is home yet. What can I do? Joe I feel has rejected me. He's fed up with me blowing him off. Which I accept. He was a passing friend I suppose. He came and is going. I'll just wait for another friend to arise.

What I can do today?:

Walk to open house with Kelly.

Walk Pepper with Kelly.

Pool.

Movie.

Paint nails.

Yoga.

---

On another note, I am holding off lunch. I guess its rather late already, but I don't why exactly. I always try to avoid and put off every meal. I'm doing this because, perhaps I am scared. I feel discomfort when addressing a meal. Like I must be careful. Like at any moment something can go wrong and cause havoc.

For some reason I can't quite address is why I avoid Peg and Kelly. It's like, I feel awkward around them when I am eating and making a meal. I don't like to be home when they get home. I always try to sneak around them interacting with me. I'm isolating myself when I still want and need to be around them.

I feel like...right when they see me they'll think something bad. They'll want me to do something for them, they'll expect something from me. If I am not around, then they won't jump to judgments. I will just be absent from their thoughts. I'd rather hide and be a hermit, then face my discomfort. Which is irrational I know.

Reflection

Well I never write in my blog after the day is done. Every entry is in the morning before anything has happened. I think it might be good to write in the evenings to reflect.

Idk what to really talk about. I guess I feel lonely. I have nothing particularly important to do in the day, and I have kinda' distanced myself from Joe thus probably making him frustrated and irritated.

I tell myself that this is just because I am at a lull with my time. I always get this way in times of free time. But I've gotten better with knowing that change will happen and bring anew. Good and bad.

I feel embarrassed as well. For not having an active social life. I feel that Kelly and Peg think I'm a ;loser'. Like anyone over 30 uses the word Loser to describe someone? lol. But nonetheless I feel that way. I suspect them seeing me as inadequate socially because I perceive myself as that.

I wish I had friends that I felt comfortable enough to just relax and not feel pressured in any way. But right now regarding my eating schedule and my routine that I need in recovery, I'm trying to give myself permission to just focus on this stage and just wait till I'm ready to move on.

Getting back on my feet?

I hope I am. I am really focusing on my thoughts and behaviors. I know that I purge my emotions through exercise. I feel it's the only way to release them. I know that the feelings will only cease temporarily. I am just numbing myself to feeling them at the moment.

I'm reminding myself that I CAN do this. THAT I CAN MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION!

If I keep resisting getting better I will never get there. I have to get there before I can change. The sooner I get there, the sooner I will move on.

I'm also continually telling myself that my worth is not determined by my control over appetite and wants and needs.

Everyone has needs and everyone has an appetite. Everyone will always be hungry and never ever-longingly sated. I should not feel bad for not being fully content with my life. No one I think is. Some are just more...tolerant? I chose the word tolerant, because I think some people come to accept that it's the human condition to always want more. They just move forward one moment and one decision at a time making life's days 'tolerable' and at least moderately occupied and entertaining.

I 'will' always be hungry. I can accept that and do things to healthily fill my life with meaningful things that will slowly but surely move me forward in life. If I stay stuck in any rut that might not be 'bad' but is stuck from staying put.

Maybe I should focus on this moment. How this moment will soon be gone and replaced with the next, so I mine as well make the best of this moment because time will move on dragging me along even if I resist it by denying things could possibly get better if I just give up with trying to control things and just go along with the waves of change.

I must follow through with the uncomfortable feelings and events that are inevitable to get to a place that is better. I don't have focus on tomorrows battles, or next months or any other battle except for the one in this moment.I can not fix the future by controlling it today. I can only make the best decision for this moment, which will lead to a brighter future.

My feelings will always be there even if I use the ED to cope.

Each time I listen to the ED I am giving it power over me and my life.

"Have my ears listen to only my voice. My eyes see through my own eyes. And let me speak with only my tongue."

Rest day

Hopefully so. I'm trying to lend today towards relaxing and not having to do anything. Not making lists up. Don't feel obligated to exercise.

Hopefully I can just enjoy myself.

Last night I walked over...I'm vulnerable when there's nothing to do except to wait for the next thing. As in: Dinner.

I waited and stalled at home till dinner and no one was home. I held off walking for awhile till I told myself that I will go to church. I left 30mins early,walked for an extra 30 mins, and then went to church. I didn't have an extra snack to counteract the walking. I know I should today though. Just add like an extra fruit?

I really need to get a hold of my exercise.

When I walk I feel, like I am doing something productive. It feel good to just walk. It feels as though I'm walking my troubles away. Just purging them out. I know this is distorted though. Rationally, the walking is holding me back from progressing in recovery.

I need to focus on NOW!

Stop preparing myself for the worst future imaginable. I will always get by. Just because things are like they are now, doesn't mean time won't find a way to change the situation.

I will soon get a job. I will save money and rekindle my savings.

I will become healthier, one decision at a time.

I think I need to list my daily accomplishments in recovery. Focus on the things I did right other then beating myself up over the perfectionism I have towards doing recovery perfectly.

'Recovery is a process, NOT AN EVENT!'

But, things will end up okay in the end.

My family will be here always to support me, and be there when I need them.

I must trust my meal plan and not the ed. Meal plan is gold. That's it. It's set in stone. STOP trying to manipulate it.

Food rituals

I hope to say goodbye to my food rituals. They've become so strong. Always adding spices, always reheating, always the same routine. I don't even enjoy them anymore. I barely find comfort in them as I use to, so I'm scared that I'm still holding into them because I fear what is outside of what I know to expect.

It makes me frustrated and feel very guilty that my rituals have become such a hindrance to my social life.

For P.m. snack I can have fruits with ice cream towards pro bar. then instead of oatmeal, I can have granola? Or cereal? Or have it earlier that day?

I know it's silly,but even now I'm anxious about changing it from what I'm use to.

Following my meal plan is hard. I'm really trying to catch myself when I'm listening to the ED.

I have been lately going on night walks. Just like 10-20 minutes. To just add to my exercise number. I'm preparing myself for if I accidentally go over my meal plan with my snack. I have never really added an appropriate amount though counter-acting the exercise I go over.

I guess I can wait till after my snack. So If I feel i did go over, I will walk more. But not before I eat, because then I will just exercise more for fear I might possibly indulge.

I use food to correct anything i feel guilty about. I don't do this consiously, but unconciuosly I think I use food as a tool to balance my whole life's worth.

I must tell myself that THE PROTEIN BARS ARE CAUSING THE GAIN. NOT ME. I AM EATING NORMALLY IF I FOLLOW MY M.P.

I really am trying to find the motivation again. The clear-sight. I hope it's because I'm mal-nourished thus my thoughts are disillusioned. I know that my weight will not solve all my emotional problems. But I need to get healthy,and then slowly through out my healthy growth, I will work on myself emotionally so I can live a life like everyone else!

Motivations for recovery:

Normal eating.

Eating with friends.

Social life.

Woman's body.

Be attractive towards guys.

Inspiring.

Success/accomplishment.

Inspiring.

Help others.

Builds character.

Lord, I pray for the strength to NOT LISTEN to the ED.Please give me clarity and perseverance. To realize that the guilt I feel for not exercising and so on is just the ED. NOT ME. I need to feel proud that I am upsetting the ED. When the ED causing discomfort inside me, it's because I made it mad by not giving in.

I can barely hear myself

The Ed voice is pretty strong right now. I still for the most part recognize ed's voice and I know they're still irrational and bad, but I still follow them. I have tremendous guilt and shame if I don't. At least I always fear I will feel such a way. I never have gotten to the point recently where I've not exercised a set amt or done whatever to see how I do feel.

I really really need to look at my other problems in life right now. I keep reminding myself that my problems are not to be dealt with food or exercise.

I feel guilty for not hanging with friends more. In a way it feels like my recovery is getting in the way. But it's not. It's just getting me to the spot where I CAN go out with friends. First step is to get my body healthy. MOST IMPORTANT! There'll still be people to find, but only after I've found myself.

I feel like food is away to compensate. In anyway. If I feel bad about something, like I've made a mistake or faced feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy I try to correct my problem with food. I think I do this sub consiously. The other day when I chickened out of shoplifting I felt bad afterwards! Isn't that twisted. I felt spineless. Like I will never get what I want because I'm too scared of take risks Do I shoplift for the verification of doing something extreme to get my wants. To prove I can push the limits.

I know I could have gotten it. I could have bought it! But I feel like I don't deserve to spend the money on that, like, it's not worth it. I can get by without so I don't have to waste anything.

Also, I feel guilty for when I do spend money. I feel I gave in temptation of materiality. Like I wasted security(money) on something I don't truly need. I feel it's indulgent and wasteful. I never know when you're actually gonna need the money!

It's like...restricting my spending is a way to starve and deny any appetite and want. And stealing it is me binging to fill whatever it is I'm really hungry for. Stealing kinda' puts me in another state of mind. It's so focused. Double look over the shoulder, preparing the product to slip in my bag...etc...

But when I leave, the rush kinda' goes away and I still feel the need to shoplift more. If I bought more things, would my shop lifting subside? I've noticed this a bit. Since I've been buying random things. Like groceries and such.

But though I'm slightly happy for this small feat. Not of exactly because I haven't been stealing as much, but because I still feel secure and moderately alright even though I have less money.

Yet again...just like the dynamic Ed, this situation has the same two sides. The restricting and binging controlling and giving in to my materialistic appetite.

Is restricting my money outpour a way to control what I think I might go over some day? I'm worried that if I do just end up spending my money on tings I want and need I'll inevitable run out of all my savings and then be in financial debt or at least with no security blanket. Yet again I am preparing for my most dreaded future of going over my means and falling within a hole of debt.

Just like how I restrict food when i feel like I am a ticking time bomb ready to explode any minute and goon a tyrant of a binge.

I MUST BE MINDFUL! Live in the present and NOT build a wall to keep myself stuck in the routine and life I know.

I'm a Shocker

Well I really need to focus back to getting on track. I really need to dedicate myself again. Find my motivation as to why I want recovery. I need to separate myself from the Ed and listen to only my voice.

I realized that I've always had something that defined me by looking at me. I always expressed my identity through my externalities. In H.S. I always wore bright clothes and make up, big hair. I wanted people to take a second glance and be surprised by my look.

When I developed my Ed that was what I externally expressed myself through. People look at me and see a emaciated girl, I am noticed without me having to really speak up and use my voice. I think this is because I am withdrawn but still yearn for people's attention and acknowledgment. I'm too scared to ask for it and put myself out there as who I am so instead I passively show my identity through my clothes and body.

Obviously to break free of this I need to find ways to get positive attention for who I really am!

Who do I want to be seen as?

Healthy ID: Beautiful, strong, free, intelligent, competent, warm, loving, womanly, creative, successful,wise, insightful.

Unhealthy ID: In pain, dependent, needs caring for, potential but excused by my problems, in control, shockingly thin, superior, hurting, distant, romanticized, unique and interesting.

Now I noticed that when I wrote the unhealthy ID's some of them were healthy ID's. I just look to the unhealthy actions to gain them. Nothing's wrong with wanting to be unique or interesting or in control even.

I can gain all these things from doing healthy things.

Like:

Being in Art Shows

Doing well in school

Enjoying and doing well in my job

Grow creatively

Style; clothes, jewelry, hair etc...

Music taste

Hobbies: art, puzzles, reading, walking, being outside etc...

Tattoos

Talking about accomplishments

Speaking my own opinion! And not agreeing to make things easier.

When I want to express my pain I need to really find a way for me to speak it. I know I need to communicate. To whom? (I should write a list of ppl I feel I need to clear the air with.)

Lord, I just pray that I can find myself again. Myself behind the Ed.

Let me hear for only my own voice, see with my own eyes, and speak with my own tongue.

Goal:

Stick with m.p.

Portion sizes.

No over exercise.