The overwhelming feeling of fighting and the disappointment from losing.
I think I can admit that I am relapsing. I feel it. I was hoping that I was getting myself out of it. Resurfacing from the WA relapse. But it's only getting harder.
I don't know when a relapse is fixable still, or when it's too late.
If I could I would go back to some sort of treatment. I really want to go into the outpatient program in Fresno during the day. But, insurance has ran out for the year. I'll have to pay out of pocket for therapy. Which is naturally stressing me out since I don't have a job yet.
I'm trying to reignite my motivation.But the motivations I used before have grown stale. Not that I don't want to be healthy and feminine with a woman's body. But these things seems unattainable and so far away. Impossible kind of. When I'm fronted with food and eating, I don't see the goal. I don't see my motivations. I see food and I feel discomfort and fear and a clenching determination to avoid it and get rid of it, to just stay away from it and not deal with it.
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