I decided to add a 1/4 cup of ice cream. Which was 65 cals, which is technically according to my RD makes up for about 20 mins of over walking. But I was scared to. I tried once. Scooped then put back. Then I went back and added it.
This morning I had all of breakfast. Didn't cut of crust of toast.
I don't know rationally why I feel scared. I know it's rediculous. I ask myself why I feel fear. I feel like something bad will happen. Like I will gain a lot as if I am already eating enough to gain and don't need anymore assistance with gaining.
Idk if I am being irrational and having distorted thoughts. I feel like I have already over eaten and that I need not to worry about eating more since some time during the day I have already gone over my meal plan.
But no, I know...deep down, that I am not going over. I do still restrict portions and count exchanges and enough when they're not. Like yesterday for dinner I counted a 110 cal tortilla as 2 starches instead of one, because I was basing it off of the bread I always have. Two pieces is 110 cals, so I count as 2 starches even though my RD said that I need 3 of those bread pieces to consider two starches.
What am I truly feeling?! I'm trying to dig deep and really notice the emotions I'm having leading me to this spot where I'm at.
I feel:
-Guilty for blowing off friends.
-Angry at self for not hanging with others as much as I should. (I know I do want to see people and socialize. I'd enjoy it and I do want to. But I don't hang long when I do because of 'snack'. I don't know if I'm unconciously sabotaging myself and any relationships by using my snack as an excuse to avoid. I feel like I want to hang with people and spend time. But another part is suspicious if I'm just avoiding them unintentionally and isolating. That's what I'm worried and upset about.)
-Worried about money.
-Insecure about people thinking I'm a 'loser'. I.e.: Kelly, Joe, Peggy... For not hanging with friends as much as what I consider what a, 'normal 19 year old' would be doing.
-I'm very suspicious and insecure about people judging me and my ability to make friends. I've always been embarrassed if I don't go out and do things and partake in a social life. I do like seeing friends but not as much as others I think. I'm always shy and on edge when with someone unfamiliar in a place that's unknown. I fear just the uncertainty of it. Being away from home, (my haven, my safe place.) I feel trapped and controlled. Like I won't have anywhere to run off to for safety if I need to escape. Feeling this way just in general makes me feel inadequate and 'weird'.
Like a freak that people will judge and be turned off by.
What is a normal though? There are lots of people like me.
I use my food and my meal planning as an obvious distraction. I think and think and plan and plan and calculate and figure. The next meal is so constructed and well-planned out because I fear if I don't know what I want, I will change mind multiple times and then eat more. Not having my next meal leads me to panic, which then leads me to protect myself by restricting just so I can feel safe and controlled because under-eating is better then over-eating in the ED thought process.
Idk what I'm distracting myself from completely. A lot of things I imagine.
Moving in with Peggy? Or Kelly.
Job stresses/money/school and time.
Feeling a void. That's a big one. I noticed a void. I never felt it before. Well...I have felt it to some extent, but could never name it. I can acknowledge now this void is stemmed from my lack of relationships. Friends. I mean, real friends. Not Joe, though he does help with the casual friendship. But meaningful friends. I know I do have people in my life who care. Ruthanne, Jessica (if I did start talking with her again) and Kelly.
These people will always be there if I needed them. I just have a problem with reaching out to them when I need them. I always suspect I'll bother them and they'll get fed up with me. That they'll get upset with me admitting my pitfalls, and that I will be exposed and vulnerable and they'll reject me in some way.
I need to be authentic and speak out my needs and wants. To not be so insecure about how they effect others and not to fret over looking needy or vulnerable.I need to take risks, to reach out to people and put myself on the line. They might turn away, but with my family, I know they won't leave me. I just have to put my feet down and put me first.
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