Snack attack

I had my snack again yesterday at Whole Foods. I also had it with my starch from lunch which I used an apple for.

The only draw back of it was that I totally got overwhelmed with figuring out the rest of my snack. I calculated over and over and over totally immersed. It was so stressful and I completely hated it. I didn't know what I wanted, which is so stressful. It feels like there's a right choice and a wrong.

So given this, I need to plan a bit more ahead and stay with similar snacks which will equal up to my amount for snack. 500-530 calories.

Today my goal is to have my snack in class. And to have apart of an apple. This way I can eat more normally and eat when hungry. If I don't I will feel defeated and like a failure.

Why does the Ed want me to hold off eating till last moment?

yesterday I talked with Carla about how I am very frugal with any type of resource. Be it food, money, cigarettes, gum! Anything. Anything that is dwindling or being threatened with running out I become stressed out.

This is due from my childhood. From when I lived with my Mom and money and food was tight. Where waisting food was bad and left overs were essential.

But I need to remind myself that I am not in that environment any longer.

I'm really trying to spread out my eating because when i don't I completely feel disgusted and guilty that I eat so much at one time, I freak out that I might become bulimic or an over-eater. I feel immense shame and embarrassment, so I restrict to prove that I can control my appetite and my food.

Also, my snack leads me to stay up very late. Especially with all of the ridiculous rituals I have with disordered eating.

I guess another goal of mine should be to cut back on my rituals and try to sustain from doing those things and instead to just focus on eating the normal food and tasting the food as it naturally is without me fucking it all up.

Also, I need to stay on track with exercise. To plan ahead to make sure I don't go over too much.

Today:

50 min walk at park

20 min to bus

15 to class

15-20 to bus home

15 walk home

Equals to about 115 mins. Knowing me I'll go over just a bit, but at least now I have a ball-park idea.