Shocker

yesterday I walked3hrs. Way too much I know.

I set out to add an extra 100 cals. Like a cookie which was 65 cals. But I had a taste, and didn't like it. So I didn't have it. I ended up adding nothing. I added a banana later on, but that still equaled to 3 fruits.

Also, I didn't really have all three starches at dinner. Yesterday I felt as though I didn't need to follow my m.p. exactly. Like it's not completely necessary.

I just want to eat normally. I figured that if a meal is enough calories then it's still okay if I don't add all exchanges. But I ask myself, why do I want to eat normally if a normal diet is suppose to maintain weight if I say my goal is to gain? I feel like the protein bars will keep me afloat. Keep me from losing.

I know I need to follow the m.p. but it's just getting so restrictive I feel. Such strict rules which make me plan and become such a die-hard perfectionist.

I worry because the fact that I feel in control now. Opposed to feeling highly uncomfortable when following m.p. If I don't feel discomfort does that mean the ED is taking back control? regarding my exhaustion from the m.p. does that mean it's time to instead switch it up and take on Sunny's pyramid plan?

I don't even really pay attention to the length of exercise I do anymore. I feel it's irrelevant and doesn't make a difference. It always feels impossible for me to lose weight when I'm eating. I am eating like a normal person...I think? Probably not though. How can I know what normal is when I've been so estranged from normal eating for so long?

To be honest, I'm feeling a pull towards accepting the waif look.As though I can maintain it and still be healthy. But my body isn't meant to be a waif. It's curvy naturally with wide hips.

I'm trying to ficus on just 110lbs. 95 in the rough moments. At least that's healthier. 110 lbs is still thin.

I just don't feel like I belong in a strong, curvy woman's body with fat and hips. Unfortunately, I feel as though my identity has become dependent upon my size. Sometimes, more frequently it's been taking effect, is my pride. A feeling of superiority. Not that I view a emaciated body as beautiful. I know men don't find it attractive, but the feeling of entitlement comes mostly from the reaction of females. It's common knowledge that the stick thin is the ideal for societal model demeanor. Even if the girl doesn't want that look for herself, and doesn't have such expectations for herself, seeing me is like, the page of a magazine that's criticized for photo-shopping and being fake-in the flesh.

I know this is the ED. I hate feeling this way. I hate having an ego-boost from appearing as something society has claimed as unrealistic and fake. I look fake, I look unreal. I look like the impossible thing woman and men will never be able to attain.

I use to be so focused on inspiring others with my recovery. Now I'm using this relapse as a way to completely do the opposite of what I wanted! That just shows the ED taking over. That is what the ED wants, not me.

I need to find other ways to gather attention from others. To seek pride in something that is mine and not the ED's.

For example:

My art. I know I am artistic and pretty good. I can show this expression through my clothes, hair, makeup, jewelry etc...

Tattoos

My interests. I like to read non-fiction which I think is an interesting trait. Especially in someone my age. I dig research and case studies and brain science and behavioral psychology.

Also-another note to self: I need to find other outlets for my attention. All I think about aaaaalllllll fucking day is food and my next meal. Ugh it makes me so weary. Hopefully when school starts I will have a means to expend more energy towards that, relationships and my future job instead of exercise and food. I wonder a lot, what would I think about without food? What would my main stresses be? Would my life be just peachy? All I'd worry about would be school, boys and a job. Or would the lack of thought on food lead to more room for thinking about my other problems which I'm too overwhelmed to even acknowledge right now. I'm curious and slightly intimidated by who I am without ED thoughts.