Shoulds

Shoulds. I should be this I should do that.

I always compare myself with my shoulds.

"I should be stronger in my recovery." I think this because I was stronger and more motivated before. It's all grown weary and somewhat stale.

People say recovery gets easier. But for me it's only getting harder.

I feel I'm relapsing when I over exercise. I feel grief and failure because I did so and thus feel hopeless and angry with myself.

But does over exercising mean I'm failing? No. Rationally I know this. Exercise addiction is my addiction with restricting food transferring over to exercise of course. My quest for power and self-control is now mostly targeted through exercise instead of restricting. Though I notice that I am not eating enough. I still stick with my meal plan mostly, but I make negotiations. Like saying half a pudding cup is equal to a starch exchange. Little things like that.

I need to accept myself and be patient. If I look at how far I have come since last year, or two years ago I am so much better! OMG you have no idea. Now I do eat food. I don't fear eating an apple.

So I can only hope that with a lot more time, things will naturally evolve to a better place.

Maybe I should stop trying to control and direct recovery and progress. It's a process, not an event.

Maybe that's what I really need to give notice of. That things will get better on their own with time and patience. I need to stop trying to control the situation and just let it be. Just let life go on and live a life that I want and that I like and let the natural evolution of recovery to take place on it's own. To not think so much about it. To not judge myself if I mess up and don't do things 'right'.

Maybe the most important changes and the most worth-while steps are those that I have just let happen without trying to steer the reigns.

So I guess I should really try to stop obsessing over it. I'm a control freak. I'm trying to control everything. I'm trying to control recovery just I controlled food. Same black and white thinking.

Food was bad. Messing up in recovery is bad. Instead I should see that food is not bad, but just an object for nutrients. That all humans need it. And that recovery is hard and doesn't happen overnight or in a few months. That recovery is like life. Ups and downs, stalls and progression. That it happens when you are living it not trying to make it into what you think it ought to be.

Also, another should of mine. This is a big one I have always had, is my self expectation that I need to have a large social group of friends. Or at least a few that I hang out with every night and do crazy 19 year olds things with.

I need to face that I am not this kinda' person.

I've always felt inadequate for not having as many friends as I think I should. Society deems 19 year olds' as crazy and spontaneous. Out doing stupid things that make impressive stories.

Jessica always saw me as a loner. As someone dependant upon her? At least I felt she thought of me this way. Same with Ruthanne and John and the rest of my family. They always talked about storied of their youth being at parties, drugging, etc and this made me compare myself to their glory days. Thinking I was insufficient with being sociable and normal.

I don't know if they at all thought this. They probably just thought I was reserved, which I am. I'm shy and rather inhibited and nervous about making new friends and putting myself in new, unfamiliar situations.

But I do break free from these ruts. That's all I am in right now. A rut. I hate ruts and I am vulnerable towards falling into them even when i get fed up with it.

But from my experience in the past, I always do find a way to climb out of it. Just give myself time.

School, a job, Peggy being retired, moving...so many things are changing which will force unfamiliar things. I admit, I'm anxious about such changes, but then again, I know I will adapt and find myself comfortable with the new environment and change eventually. I always do. I must give myself credit for adapting. I adapt to things more quickly then I think. I just need to give myself time to do so. There isn't a time limit. No ticking clock. My progress in any area is not being graded. It just is.

I have a problem with dignifying things as right or wrong. The right way or the wrong way. But only with myself. With others I am very forgiving and understanding towards reality and it's unpredictability and the flexibility of right or wrong. With others I see through grey lenses. But my self reflection is only the harsh hue of black and white.