I can barely hear myself

The Ed voice is pretty strong right now. I still for the most part recognize ed's voice and I know they're still irrational and bad, but I still follow them. I have tremendous guilt and shame if I don't. At least I always fear I will feel such a way. I never have gotten to the point recently where I've not exercised a set amt or done whatever to see how I do feel.

I really really need to look at my other problems in life right now. I keep reminding myself that my problems are not to be dealt with food or exercise.

I feel guilty for not hanging with friends more. In a way it feels like my recovery is getting in the way. But it's not. It's just getting me to the spot where I CAN go out with friends. First step is to get my body healthy. MOST IMPORTANT! There'll still be people to find, but only after I've found myself.

I feel like food is away to compensate. In anyway. If I feel bad about something, like I've made a mistake or faced feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy I try to correct my problem with food. I think I do this sub consiously. The other day when I chickened out of shoplifting I felt bad afterwards! Isn't that twisted. I felt spineless. Like I will never get what I want because I'm too scared of take risks Do I shoplift for the verification of doing something extreme to get my wants. To prove I can push the limits.

I know I could have gotten it. I could have bought it! But I feel like I don't deserve to spend the money on that, like, it's not worth it. I can get by without so I don't have to waste anything.

Also, I feel guilty for when I do spend money. I feel I gave in temptation of materiality. Like I wasted security(money) on something I don't truly need. I feel it's indulgent and wasteful. I never know when you're actually gonna need the money!

It's like...restricting my spending is a way to starve and deny any appetite and want. And stealing it is me binging to fill whatever it is I'm really hungry for. Stealing kinda' puts me in another state of mind. It's so focused. Double look over the shoulder, preparing the product to slip in my bag...etc...

But when I leave, the rush kinda' goes away and I still feel the need to shoplift more. If I bought more things, would my shop lifting subside? I've noticed this a bit. Since I've been buying random things. Like groceries and such.

But though I'm slightly happy for this small feat. Not of exactly because I haven't been stealing as much, but because I still feel secure and moderately alright even though I have less money.

Yet again...just like the dynamic Ed, this situation has the same two sides. The restricting and binging controlling and giving in to my materialistic appetite.

Is restricting my money outpour a way to control what I think I might go over some day? I'm worried that if I do just end up spending my money on tings I want and need I'll inevitable run out of all my savings and then be in financial debt or at least with no security blanket. Yet again I am preparing for my most dreaded future of going over my means and falling within a hole of debt.

Just like how I restrict food when i feel like I am a ticking time bomb ready to explode any minute and goon a tyrant of a binge.

I MUST BE MINDFUL! Live in the present and NOT build a wall to keep myself stuck in the routine and life I know.