Progress

Yes progress.

I'm relieved to see my progress that I have made.

For example, I use to eat the right things only to please others. Only when other's were around to witness I ate okay. My recovery was the responsibility of others. They picked the foods and times to eat.

This is the first time I am fully taking responsibility for my recovery. Now, at snack times and meal times, I take charge and chose to do my best because I am doing it for myself not others.

I don't wait for others to 'see' me eat. I do it because if I don't and I see myself slipping I feel bad. I'm happy to see this progress.

I must notice the progress I have made by myself in recovery and be proud of myself for it. I know that the strides I have made, despite my present struggles are due to me taking control of my own recovery and my own life.

Also, I am trying to really control my exercise.

Yes, I still do technically over exercise. But it's been less over.

Usually 20-30 minutes opposed to an hour.

To distract me and pass time, I have been doing my artwork. Exploring new mediums and really getting into that. I like partaking in art and it really helps me with seeing myself as an artist, not as an 'Anorexic'.

My goals for today are to:

Have fats with all meals.

Stay within exercise limitations.

HAVE P.M. SNACK DURING DAY.

(since I am so worried about getting into the habit of late night eating which might turn into bulimia and over-eating, I need to control the problem by taking responsibility by eating at least one part of snack in the day. It's getting out of hand. I stay up late every night finishing my snack and performing all the OCD like rituals. Getting up like literally 20 times to reheat my food and add seasonings.

These rituals and nervous habits are so ridiculous and ob-surd. I just get so anxious if I don't reheat the food, if I don't pile on seasonings and random shit. I always feel the food would be better if I just added something. If I just did 'one more thing' to it. But the food always ends up the same tasting. If you add enough sweet n' lows and cinnamon and allspice any food would taste just the same. it's like I feel only comfortable with foods that are the same. I know what to expect with the food and it's taste if I perform the same taste manipulating rituals over and over. Instead of just tasting the real food as it is.