Food rituals

I hope to say goodbye to my food rituals. They've become so strong. Always adding spices, always reheating, always the same routine. I don't even enjoy them anymore. I barely find comfort in them as I use to, so I'm scared that I'm still holding into them because I fear what is outside of what I know to expect.

It makes me frustrated and feel very guilty that my rituals have become such a hindrance to my social life.

For P.m. snack I can have fruits with ice cream towards pro bar. then instead of oatmeal, I can have granola? Or cereal? Or have it earlier that day?

I know it's silly,but even now I'm anxious about changing it from what I'm use to.

Following my meal plan is hard. I'm really trying to catch myself when I'm listening to the ED.

I have been lately going on night walks. Just like 10-20 minutes. To just add to my exercise number. I'm preparing myself for if I accidentally go over my meal plan with my snack. I have never really added an appropriate amount though counter-acting the exercise I go over.

I guess I can wait till after my snack. So If I feel i did go over, I will walk more. But not before I eat, because then I will just exercise more for fear I might possibly indulge.

I use food to correct anything i feel guilty about. I don't do this consiously, but unconciuosly I think I use food as a tool to balance my whole life's worth.

I must tell myself that THE PROTEIN BARS ARE CAUSING THE GAIN. NOT ME. I AM EATING NORMALLY IF I FOLLOW MY M.P.

I really am trying to find the motivation again. The clear-sight. I hope it's because I'm mal-nourished thus my thoughts are disillusioned. I know that my weight will not solve all my emotional problems. But I need to get healthy,and then slowly through out my healthy growth, I will work on myself emotionally so I can live a life like everyone else!

Motivations for recovery:

Normal eating.

Eating with friends.

Social life.

Woman's body.

Be attractive towards guys.

Inspiring.

Success/accomplishment.

Inspiring.

Help others.

Builds character.

Lord, I pray for the strength to NOT LISTEN to the ED.Please give me clarity and perseverance. To realize that the guilt I feel for not exercising and so on is just the ED. NOT ME. I need to feel proud that I am upsetting the ED. When the ED causing discomfort inside me, it's because I made it mad by not giving in.