Snack

As I noted yesterday, my goal was to have a part of my p.m. Snack in the day.

Yesterday I was having my yogurt, starch and 1/2 T. peanut butter and Kelly came out and was ready to go out for dinner with me and Peg. I didn't know at all we were planning this!

So I opted not to go.

Just because it was so unexpected, and I was already eating.

I cried.

I felt bad. I felt like the ED was holding me back from going and spending time with them.

I really wanted to get on the exercise bike when they left. I hadn't reached my limit yet. But I didn't walk nonetheless knowing that I would leave later that night!

That afternoon I went with them to the mall and to look at houses. I set another goal to dedicate a walk at night so that I wouldn't go too much over, since I like to leave at night sometimes. When we got home and they took a nap, instead of leaving with a lame excuse just to go walk, I worked on my artwork.

So I'm proud of myself.

Another BIG feat of mine, is that I had my 1/2 protein bar. I didn't have it with my original snack.I almost didn't have it. But when Kelly and Peg left I knew that I would just feel like a failure if I didn't. Like I had lost which would feed into my fear of forming Bulimia and late night eating so I went out and had my pro bar. And I ate it normally. Without any weird eventual agenda. I just laid on my bed and ate it. At a semi-normal pace.

Also, during my P.m. snack I didn't reheat my food a million different times. Only about three times.

This really makes me feel in control because I'm trying to get rid of these rituals and the disordered eating.

I did go out at night for a walk. I ended up walking 20 minutes over. Which I know is still a bit too much. But the principle is what I'm proud of. That I didn't plan for the future by over exercising in the day and then leaving at night for a walk which would make me feel bad anyways.

Today my goal is to have a part of my snack again in late afternoon.

I must keep goal in mind. Peggy being at home is not a bad thing. Even though the ED feels threatened I am still in control and must follow my m.p. best I can. Peggy nor Kelly can control me and my food and exercise. I am in the control of that and myself. I know that I can easily restrict my food and over exercise. This proves that I am in the control though in a destructive way, so there is not any reason to prove so. I am holding back on exercise for myself, because I want a normal life that is not controlled by the ED. I follow my m.p. best I can because I want to be healthy and to be able to think about other things then food.

The life I want is one without an ED. One not judged my food intake or exercise.

I want to be seen as a creative woman. One who is artistic, authentic and beautiful. Who is characterized by her ability to create and to express through art. To be viewed as an liberated, free, intellectual person that is not at all judged or identified with being thin.