Still on my feet? Or have I slipped?

I weighed myself this morning. Since the 20th of July I have gained 2 lbs. On Kelly's scale.

I don't really know if I am progressing or if I am struggling so much it is holding back progress?

Apart of me feels like I am struggling and I don't feel as though I'm gaining. When I saw the number I don't really know how I felt.

I kinda' felt worried and upset. I just want the wght to happen on its own and me not worry about it. Is two lbs in the two-three weeks I've been back okay? I also suspect that I weighed heavier on the scale then I actually am. Idk what two lbs feels like and can't tell really. I know I've gained some...but two lbs?

I think I just wanted to still gain while still in some way still be with the ED.

I know I'm struggling though. More and more. In WA the restrictive eating was in some way intentional. I knew that I was going to lose but felt I needed to. Here...apart of me fights to stay grounded and not believe and listen to the ED.

I don't want to be struggling so much to the point where I relapse and lose anymore. Despite the discomfort and troubles I'm having now I still want to know that I'm well enough to still keep reality in check and gain. Wght loss, or lack of sufficient wght gain I see as a cue that I am relapsing especially since I am not intentionally doing so.

My ED has gotten to the point before where it leads me and I feel like I don't have a say in what it makes me do with food and my meals.'m scared that it's gaining back that kind of control once again.

I kind of feel like I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Of course I know! It's obvious why. Exercising too much. Not eating enough. Cheating with exchanges and meal plan. What did I expect? But another side of me, feels like I am doing fine, and that I should be gaining wght.

I guess that clarifies that I need to pay attention. I can't intuitively eat like normal people do because intuitive eating leads to ED calling the shots. I need to be aware and really, really pay attention to what I am doing. I need to ask myself if I am following my plan and answer honestly. It's difficult to answer honestly. To trust whichever answer to be the real honest answer. Is it mine or the ED's answer that I'm believing?