Change change come this way

I am growing so tired and weary of my routine. I use to turn to the stability of my routine in the day for comfort. It used to feel safe. it does still feel safe...but it feels like a different type of safety. Like instead of the routine protecting me causing comfort, it now feels like it's trapping me inside a box shutting out anything from the outside world.

Though I feel frustrated with it, I am not making any decisions to change the problem.

What can I do to change the routine?

I could eat during the day. Like a pro bar. But I'm scared that I'll really want the pro bar at night as usual and then have it.

Ugh I hate being so torn.

Last night I went for a 20 minute walk. Though I had already reached 2 hrs exactly. I was struggling with going out all evening. I stalled myself and took a shower instead. Then after that Kelly went to bed early. So I left, with the prepared excuse that I saw Joe in case she asked.

I felt guilty for giving in. I felt shame for not trusting myself with my meal plan which is a reason that I walk over the preferred limit.

I feel guilt for feeling like I'm becoming bulimic. Like I can't control myself unless I purge.(exercise)

I don't binge technically, but my night routine of fruit and pro bars feels as tough I'm creating a binge out of my meal plan.

Also, I have no support. I don't feel like I can talk with Kelly. She seems tired of talking with me. I understand. Like she is just fed up. I'm sure this is distorted. She loves me and understands that I do need support. But I'm hesitant to open up to her because I'm scared that doing so will lead her to control me and what I eat.I'm scared that she will judge me and be upset and disappointed that I am struggling.

Me and Jess are not talking. I deleted her from my phone. She got upset at me for losing weight. I just get so pissed off when she yells at me for not moving forward quick enough or in the right way. She only is there for me when she sees me doing well. When I'm doing it 'right'. When I mess up it means I'm not trying. That I'm being selfish and childlike.

But she was someone I could talk to none the less.

Ruthanne I know gives support always, but sometimes I feel that her 'a hug will solve everything' approach naive and not always effective. I need support that is factual. Something concrete and analytical so I can examine it and trust it's simple objectivity without involving feelings which I'm already overwhelmed with as it is.

I guess I should look to myself for support. I know this disease more then anyone really.

-If I overexercise I will never allow myself to trust myself. I need to prove to myself that I can trust myself to not go over m.p. I haven't in the past, and I don't now. I fear I will because of past experiences with binging when I've restricted weeks and weeks. That is normal. The body needed food and was gonna get it with or without my consent.

-Eating one extra fruit will not cause harm. Nor faster weight gain. In Rader they allowed an optional snack at night which just shows that it's okay to do so.

-No one's appetite ceases. It is never sated. That is the human condition. There will always be more food to fill you when you are hungry again. Satisfaction is not permanent.

-recovery is very tough. It's painful. But it's suppose to be. No one talks about how fun recovery is. It's shit and sucks. But the struggle shows that you are at least dealing with the problems. If you didn't have discomforted feelings it's because you're not facing the issues. The point is to at least be moving forward. One moment at a time. Just pay attention to each moment at a time! Make the decision that's in my best interest and move on. That's all you can do.