She upped my meal plan to where it was before when I did gain and she really urged me to cut out my walking. Which I am really gonna try to do. I'm gonna cut out my morning walks which is what usually sets me over, I walk enough during the day anyways, so I hope I can deal with that.
It scares me because the behaviors such as walking and restricting are all more of compulsive behaviors I am stuck in. It's not as though I am trying to lose weight. Not consciously anyways.
But I did have my snack yesterday. With pro bar, extra exchange from increased meal-plan and an apple. It made me very, VERY full and I wasn't at all hungry for dinner but at least I had it.
Also, my nighttime snack I made as the night before. Ate it in like an hour! So I actually got to bed at a decent hour. 10:30! Tho I ended up falling asleep around 11. But at least I could rest well. I think the more sleep will help in general with my mood.
So today I will try my hardest to cut back on exercise. I think this is good because it'll be more of a normal life style. I think the summer was sort of counteractive, though I did gain some at a point, but it gave me more free time and without productive things to do with my time, so I ended up walking more.
What is a normal life?!
One with a job, one with school, one with time to do my art and hang with friends.
I want to live a normal life, and not dedicate so much time and energy towards foods and exercise. Hopefully this will help me stay distracted from the weight gain and the compulsive thinking and just be mindful with a normal life I want and let the body heal on it's own.
A normal life:
I have a part-time job, I work there and enjoy the people and the work. It gives me enough money to feel financially secure and it gives me things to stay productive with. I go to school and really challenge myself in my art and exploring different avenues. I hang out with friends and family and don't replace time with them with exercise regimens and meals. A normal life is one where I don't feel obligated to exercise 2hrs a day. This is realistically way too much. Someone with a LIFE does not have time to dedicate towards so much exercise.
I need to get into the routine of a normal life which I want in the future. Exercise including. I want to spend my time doing things I enjoy, not reaching a quota.
At first I was freaked out because I was scared I'd gain a lot very fast. But this is unrealistic. I will still exercise, I have to through out the day since no car, and following my meal-plan 100% is hard for me anyways, so I won't gain a lot, probably 1-1.5 lbs a week. Which is what happened before and that is what I am comfortable with. Also, in Rader I gained more then that and couldn't necessarily tell. I think because I was so busy with other things, like myself, friends and therapy. If I stay immersed in a normal well-balanced life I hope I won't obsess over everything as much.
I want a normal life! First and foremost. I don't want a life of an Anorexics. One is lonely and isolated, self-hateful and obsessive. Distorted and disillusioned.
I am in control though. I must remind myself of that. Peg and Kelly can't control me, my exercise limit and what I eat. I am in charge. So, I am responsible for taking charge of my recovery. Because I must do this for me and not them.
No comments:
Post a Comment