I'm a Shocker

Well I really need to focus back to getting on track. I really need to dedicate myself again. Find my motivation as to why I want recovery. I need to separate myself from the Ed and listen to only my voice.

I realized that I've always had something that defined me by looking at me. I always expressed my identity through my externalities. In H.S. I always wore bright clothes and make up, big hair. I wanted people to take a second glance and be surprised by my look.

When I developed my Ed that was what I externally expressed myself through. People look at me and see a emaciated girl, I am noticed without me having to really speak up and use my voice. I think this is because I am withdrawn but still yearn for people's attention and acknowledgment. I'm too scared to ask for it and put myself out there as who I am so instead I passively show my identity through my clothes and body.

Obviously to break free of this I need to find ways to get positive attention for who I really am!

Who do I want to be seen as?

Healthy ID: Beautiful, strong, free, intelligent, competent, warm, loving, womanly, creative, successful,wise, insightful.

Unhealthy ID: In pain, dependent, needs caring for, potential but excused by my problems, in control, shockingly thin, superior, hurting, distant, romanticized, unique and interesting.

Now I noticed that when I wrote the unhealthy ID's some of them were healthy ID's. I just look to the unhealthy actions to gain them. Nothing's wrong with wanting to be unique or interesting or in control even.

I can gain all these things from doing healthy things.

Like:

Being in Art Shows

Doing well in school

Enjoying and doing well in my job

Grow creatively

Style; clothes, jewelry, hair etc...

Music taste

Hobbies: art, puzzles, reading, walking, being outside etc...

Tattoos

Talking about accomplishments

Speaking my own opinion! And not agreeing to make things easier.

When I want to express my pain I need to really find a way for me to speak it. I know I need to communicate. To whom? (I should write a list of ppl I feel I need to clear the air with.)

Lord, I just pray that I can find myself again. Myself behind the Ed.

Let me hear for only my own voice, see with my own eyes, and speak with my own tongue.

Goal:

Stick with m.p.

Portion sizes.

No over exercise.