wa wa

im here.
kinda stressed actually.
I didnt eat my pro bars last night. i feel like I dont need them when im here. i just dont want to gain when im here. I weighed self again. I havent gained.
i feel like I dont want to gain anymore. Im scared actually.
I am in control. please lord help me ground myself.

weight

I weighed myself today. I am on Kel's scale, 91.6 lbs naked. So, I haven't lost or gained any weight really. On Sunny's scale with jeans on, I was 92.0.

I don't really know how to feel about it. I'm glad though that I didn't gain. But I'm scared that I will continuously lose weight.

Goodbye Fresno

I'm flying out today.

very nervous actually

Couldn't sleep.

Last night I had the intense feeling of not wanting to gain, wanting to maintain. I had hopes that when I see my Dr on Friday that I have lost weight.

But i was tired, stressed and things always catastrophes in the wee-hours of night.

I feel the need to over exercise and only have one pro bar tonight.

I think if I end up exercising under 2 hrs/day I will stick with one. If I go over 2hrs Ill have two.

Idk why I'm having these feelings back.

I'm scared of having a woman's body. I feel it doesn't suit me. It's so intimidating.

But I'm trying to just stay clear minded. Weight is only one part of the ED. Health is most important if I feel it is or not. Health=life.

I deserve a life.

Once I reach a healthy weight, 110 I can maintain that and work on the underlying issues. The problems i feel will always be there if I deny them and keep coping with them destructively, i.e. weight loss. I need to become healthy and then work on my issues while taking responsibility.

Body image

I feel like I should be in a thin body.

Like I don't belong in one with curves. I always thought that I wanted a body that was thin but womanly, but now when I imagine myself in a womanly figure it seems like I'm out of place. Feelings of belonging in a waif like body I think stems from my low self-esteem.

A thin body represents one with needs and fragility. I guess I might feel like I need to cry out for help using my body. Instead of my voice. That if I look sick, people will come to rescue me?

Why don't I feel like I deserve to be in a woman's figure?

I feel like a woman's body means sensuality, sexuality, femininity, liberation, freedom and strength. I do think a woman's figure is beautiful, but as I said I feel like i don't belong in such a temple resembling those traits. Like I am not up to par.

I am strong though, I DO belong in a woman's body and I am worthy of having one.

I am a strong person, I am accomplished and I can reach great heights. I can signify strength and a woman's physique with stride.

A person's body, shape and weight, do NOT measure self-worth and character. It's only a number. I can be all that I am (and more) in a real woman's healthy body.

Lord I pray that I make the right decisions and that I see myself as worthy of a healthy body, because I deserve one. Help me see my beauty and authenticity, and help me be clear-minded and mindful. Separating my ED thoughts and my rational ones and give me the strength to make the right decisions.

What am I running away from? What makes me fearful of being feminine?

Becoming intimate with males. Being put in the position to be emotionally close with another. Responsibility of a woman: Relationships, children, fertility, sex, intimacy.

I guess I feel inadequate of intimacy. I'm scared of being close to another and letting them in. I suppose being in a prepubescent body in some way steers this possibility off. So i don't have to deal with it.

Birthday

Today is my birthday. Yay? I don't really care about my birthday.

This morning I'm feeling need to restrict and to over exercise.

Why?

Going to WA tomorrow.

Hanging with Joe last night?

Sushi farewell dinner tonight.

I've kinda' planned on only having one protein bar when in WA. I know this is my ED voice but I feel that since I won't be exercising as much it'll still be okay and I will still gain.

I'm nervous about going and just the change in general.

(It's okay.) I'll come home eventually and things will transition back into my regular routine.

I hope I can get a job and do well with it and school.

Yesterday was fairly a good day with my body image. I didn't feel like I needed to maintain my weight and stuck with my m.p. a bit more easily.

Today though the body image feeling is back. I feel I don't need to gain anymore.

I just feel content with my body and am nervous about gaining more. Though I am still unhealthy and underweight. Thus I NEED to gain weight.

Once I gain enough to be healthy I can maintain and accept my new healthy body.

ENCOURAGEMENT TO GAIN:

Still unhealthy.

Exercise too much: still indicates ED obsession.

Joe thinks I'm still too thin. I must be healthier to be more attractive.

A woman's body is curvy and has fat.

Feelings about weight gain:

I know I am not fat, but I can feel fat on my body. Occasionally it feels like it is dirt on my body that I need to scrub off in order to be clean. The extra skin feel like dirt! I hate it.

It's not bad though. I must remind myself that. remind myself that fat is healthy and a part of being a woman. A woman's body needs fat in order to be healthy and feminine.

Inspiring woman:

Crystal Renn

Rader counselors (Nicole, Rachel, Alyssa, Kat)

Jenni Schafer

Marya Hornbacher

Aimee Lui

Brandi Carslile

Lizzie Miller

My body will be beautiful at a healthy weight. People will not see me as fat or ugly. They will still consider me thin and see me as a healthy woman.

I MUST not restrict. Must not over exercise.

To-do's:

Laundry

Pack for trip

Journal

Draw

Clean

make not wait

I must make a life, not wait for one.

So what do I want? What will make me happy?

Friends-Be open to new experiences and step out o my comfort zone. Take risks, if I don't enjoy myself it will soon be over.

Stability-Stay honest and be clear with what I want and need. Put myself first and make the right choices for my recovery.

Be recognized as an artist-Take opportunities, practice and apply for scholarships and gallery shows.

Express creativity-Practice, practice and experiment. Make time for art.

Always learning new things-Read, study, stay interested, explore new topics.

Financially secure-Save money, get a job.

Accept and love self-Pray, journal, read self-help, be mindful.

Do well in school-Study, take seriously, confidence, stay motivated.

Enjoy my job-Look or jobs I'll enjoy and suit what I need/want.

Harder and harder

It's getting harder and harder to pick my self back up.

I am really feeling the Ed coming back and I hate it. Idk how to fix the slip. How do I prevent further slipping?

I guess I should try to be mindful of my feelings:

-Anxiety

-Disappointment

-Nervous

-Feeling something bad will happen

-Need to protect myself

Why do I feel need to protect myself?:

-Washington?

-Moving with Peggy

-Fear o gaining too fast and not stabilizing

-Eating feels wrong at times

-Insecure about money?? Though I haven't really had too much of a problem as much with spending, I know I will get a job and start saving again

-Feelings of worthlessness/unproductive

Goal is to gain weight! I can stabilize at a healthy weight and maintain it. I am in control!

I just hate the feeling of wanting to stay at my current weight. I feel like I don't want to gain in WA. Just stay maintained, then gain when I come back? Why? WA feels insecure and unfamiliar. Don't know what to expect so I'm turning to food to control my environment.

PLEASE GOD HELP ME PICK MYSELF BACK UP!

Noticing the struggles

I'm really noticing my struggles lately.

I compulsively exercising. I feel bad about eating. It feels sometimes like poison I'm forcing into my body.

I must follow my meal plan. The problems I'm experiencing aren't involved with food. Food and exercise is separate.

What am I really feeling?

IDK! I wish I knew. I wish I could just pin-point out my worries and figure out the real issue.

Potential problems:

Moving with peg to new apartment

Money

Job and school

Feeling worthless/unproductive/incapable/low self-esteem

I am capable! I know I am. I have accomplished worthy things. And I can continue to do so.

My fear today so far has been the worry that I will not maintain. I know I will eventually, but I'm scared that I will have to eat barely anything in order to maintain my goal weight.

But I must look to the facts.

My BMR is low because my weight it low. The higher my weight the higher my BMR will be. I will exercise moderately thus I will stay healthy.

I lost weight the first month because I exercised too much despite the one pro bar.

This means that my metabolism is not as slow as I feared. I get about 2200 cals a day now, with 2hrs exercise a day=365 cals burned.

2200-365=1835 cals attained after exercise.

My BMR now is about 1300, thus equaling to about 500 cal difference leading to one lb a week.

Last month I gained roughly 0.525 lbs a week? About a half pound?

UGH! Stop it Amy. Stop fretting over number and formulas.

I must trust the process.

It's hard but i must go through it.

Look for inspiration from others.

Arielle from You-Tube- at stable weight

Lou-Stable

Bea-Stable

Rachel (counselor from Rader)- Stable, successful, recovered, counselor, still exercises moderately

Nicole (RD from Rader)- Stable, successful, thin, recovered

Aimee Lui- Stable, successful

Marya Hornbacher- Stable, successful

Crystal Renn- Model after recovery, stable

Jenni Schafer- Stable, successful

Carly, Shannon, Kat(Rader), Alyssa(Rader)- Stable, still pretty and thin, successful

I must do the right thing. Make the right choices even though I feel the urge to partake in bad behaviors.

Right choices:

Don't over-exercise

Stick with M.P.

Add fats to diet

DON'T cut down on portion sizes

Stick to M.P. schedule! Lunch at 1:30pm, Dinner at 7-730pm

Don't add immense seasonings to food, don't reheat food. Don't distract self from eating.

"Lord I pray to do well today. To get through the struggles. To make the right choices. To be able t recognize the real issue behind the food and exercise routine. Pleas help me separate my voice and the ED. Give me clarity Lord."

Addiction

I know I am addicted to exercise. It has replaced the obsession with calories and food.

I use exercise as a way to protect myself, from the future, I fear that in the future that I will not exercise and then gain. But I mustn't worry about the future. I can not control the future. I can only control today.

I feel though that I am not ready to give up exercise. Apart of me is apathetic about the amount I walk and I rationalize my exercising by saying that it's okay because if I do continue to exercise this much in the future, I can continue to take a protein bar to counteract the exercise.

But I know that any obsession is unhealthy and any addiction leads a life of it's own putting other life important's to the side and put the addiction first.

Why do I exercise?:

Obsession, feel bad. Like something bad will happen if I don't exercise to my set amount.

Distraction from food, being hungry, feeling idle and bored.

Makes me feel productive, busy and accomplished.

How to cope:

Replace exercise, find things to do besides walk. (i.e. art, read, friends, work, school)

Listen to my body. If it's aching that means I need to rest!

Acknowledge why I feel need to exercise.

What do I feel before exercising?

Bored.

Anxious.

Feeling like theres nothing to do.

Restless.

Need to leave house.

Don't like being inside/at home during the day.

Things I'm running away from:

- Anxiety and restlessness

-Feeling lazy, unproductive and worthless

-Fear of gaining too fast without exercise

(this is kinda' a secondary fear, I know I have to gain...)

-Proving self accomplishment and endurance

On the different note:

I think that when i return to Fresno I will be better off when I land a job and attend school. It'll give me something to do and dedicate my time to, and keep me feeling distracted, productive and busy.

I just pray to God I can handle it all, school and a job.

I think I can now though. I have a but more confidence with being able to handle my time and meal's more wisely now. I just need to be honest, strict with myself and honest. Keep tabs on the ED thoughts and actions.

Today

I know I have been going over on exercise a bit. I've become a bit apathetic about it.

I know this is a warning sign. Also, I chose the lowest calorific foods. I know this is bad as well, and isn't essential normal eating.

I know I use food as a defense mechanism. I use restriction and exercise as a way to protect myself, feeling that food will somehow ix the problems. What do I fear though? What am I protecting myself from?

Going to WA

Moving in with Peggy

Money

Feeling bad about not following m.p. scared I'll go over and have too much

Scared o gaining too fast

Scared of becoming too large and being unhappy with my body

Feeling lonely, unproductive, lazy and bored

Ways to cope and feel worthy:

Get a job and provide for myself financially when I return

Do well in school

Socialize, must force myself to step out o my comfort zone and participate in relationships

(I'll do so when school starts up. I did okay when school was around and people were around me more)

I hope though I can handle a job, and school! Before it was so hard for me to juggle the two. Considering my meal plan schedule. Maybe I should let the managers know my eating needs and that it's essential that i know the time of my breaks so i can eat? I feel whiny though. Ugh I feel like a burden. Towards Jessica and my family. How they have to accommodate for me. But I must do it. I am not a burden and this is just something that takes priority. If they grow tired and frustrated it doesn't matter because I can provide or myself and my own needs.

Lord I pray to do well today. With adding fats and sticking to appropriate exercise amount.

Karate kid vs. walking

Today I'm planning on seeing Karate Kid with my Aunt. I'll have to take the bus down to her work. I was hesitant of going, just because I don't know how much exercise I'd be able to get in. But I know this is stupid! It's my Ed taking priority over my relationships.

So I am going.

I need to.

I've planned out driving back down here with Ruthanne in July to Sacramento. So I don't have to buy a plane ticket.

I'm slightly worried though of the day of not being able to exercise within that day. But it's okay. One day of no exercise is not bad. The body is suppose to take a day of rest anyways, maybe I just won't have my protein bars, while sticking to my meal plan. Is this negotiating? Probably. =(

I'm only gonna be up in WA for a few weeks. School starts sooner then I thought. So I'm wondering if I should bother with seeing a Nutritionist. I'd only see her once or twice. Is it worth the money?

I should make an appointment with Sunny for when I get back.

What my future holds

Well I talked with Peg about moving and my living situation. I feel relieved.

She said that once she sells the house she will have an apartment and I will be able to live with her. I'll help out a bit once I get a job. Which I'm fine with.

We'll be house mates. I guess this is part of growing up.

Having to pay expenses and such.

Kind of excited now, for the challenge of growing into adulthood. Kelly will most likely move in with Dave. Though i hope she chooses to stay with us. Idk if she is fully confident with Dave and living with him. He is so much younger. Is he ready for that kind of commitment?

Either way, I'll find a job when i return, continue therapy, I'll pay out of pocket until January comes and my insurance renews and begins to cover therapy once more.

I must continue therapy, it is an investment that I need to make.

I'm getting more lenient with spending money. Spending is part of being an adult. Providing for myself. I can't depend on others and I can't expect to save everything I make.

I'm glad that I am transitioning slowly into adulthood and providing for myself.

I'll keep going to school full time, I hope I can get all the classes I wait listed for.

I pray that when school starts again I reignite a healthy social life and partake in good friendships. That God will send me a boyfriend possibly and I can continue to grow.

I'll stay in Fresno till I'm comfortable with my weight and meal plan, I'll maintain here, and then hopefully move back to WA so I can be with my family up there.

THANK YOU GOD for relieving this stress. I knew that this problem was more overwhelming then it should have been, that i just needed to talk it out and plan a bit with Peg. Which I did, I now know what to expect and things are better now. Things will be moderately the same. She will be home now in the morning, which will sway my routine, but I will adapt. I can still exercise, either outside, or buy my own exercise bike.

Things will be okay. I will still be around food I am comfortable with and things will not change drastically.

I will stay in WA this summer for about three-four weeks I'm thinking. That's enough time to spend with family. I'll buy a plane ticket back if I need to. If it is too stressful. I'm hoping though that someone will be willing to drive me back on a road trip. I really want Jessica to drive me back, but everyone seems weary about doing so.

I'll figure it out.

Concerning my meal plan: I am using a Tsp of Brown Sugar as one fat now, instead of Pb and cream cheese. I use Pb on my toast. Idk if sugar is considered a at though. There aren't any grams of fat content. So I know deep down I'm cheating.

I'm still stressed a but about my trip. About the food and exercise. Especially with Jessica and Ruthanne. But I just need to remind myself that I am in control. That I won't be forced to do anything I don't want to. I must stand my ground and accommodate to my needs.

Even if I do gain a bit more in WA that is okay. Weight gain is the goal, so I mustn't fret over that.

Lord, continue to give me clarity and mindfulness. Help me realize my slips and pick myself back up. To not take my problems out on restricting. Food is not the answer and it will not solve any problems, only make new ones and make the current ones worse.

Inevitable

Change always happens in my life. I hate it. All I want right now is stability. To depend on something, on someone.

Peggy told me that she is going to retire in August. Sell the house and travel in her truck. Kelly's going to probably move in with Dave and buy a house together. Where do i go now?

I just want to stay in a place where I know what to expect.

Now should I move to WA?

I'm just telling myself that I will be okay no matter where I live. That things will be okay.

Change and not knowing what to expect is a major trigger for me. It brings up feelings of being out of control which leads me to restrict. I'm already noticing warning signs for relapsing.

Restricting food, cutting down portion sizes. Skipping a few exchanges here and there.

I must remind myself food is not the way to cope. Food is out of the equation or fixing the problem. But sadly, restricting causes relief and restricting just feels like it'll some way make things better.

I'm beginning to have the feeling that gaining is wrong, it doesn't feel right. Please Lord help me! I need you.

Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. I still need to talk with Peg and plans things out. Once I know what to expect I can start planning. Even if I live here still after she retires and live with either her or Kelly, things will still be stable right? I can still provide for myself once I get a job, and still attend school. I can work a F/T or P/T job, and have enough income to support my needs.

Every change is temporary, every problem comes and goes, causes temporary discomfort, but recovery is everlasting, and I mustn't postpone and risk my recovery for something that will pass.

Life is full o challenges and new avenues. I can't prevent them and run away. I need to keep on keeping on and continue down the right track.

How to cope:

Clean

Draw

Plan options

Talk with Peg/Kelly

Talk about feelings

Be mindful

Ground myself

Pray

Journal

Exercise (with in moderation)

Take my feelings out of food

FOOD WILL NOT MAKE PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR!

I must recover.

I am still too thin, and need to gain. I will be beautiful and be able to resolve my problems while being healthy and happy.

God and my family will help me through these hard times. I can depend on myself for health and a clear mind.

I just need to keep up awareness of my emotions and keep track of my destructive behaviors.

Things that I have done

Well Carla said to raise self esteem and claim my own indepandence and not feel so needy, I need to acknowledge things that i have done for myself and have succeeded with without any help from others.

I feel at times, that I have never accomplished anything worthy on my own, and that I can't depend on myself.

But I need to become aware that I am self-sufficient and that I have done things by myself with no help from others and have done them well.

Here is my list so far:

My creative technique and ability: I know I am pretty good with art. I have not had any training. I taught myself and have always aspired to hone my ability and grow stronger as an artist.

Considering my age, my amount of professional teaching, (none) I know I am pretty damn good. I'm confident enough to not get jealous or overly intimidated by someone who might be better then I. I know I can hold my own in my own right. I am proud of this.

My Art Gallery displays: I have always wanted to be displayed in Galleries. And so far I have been in four shows. One even for a spring term. (about 3 weeks) and was part of two Art hops in downtown. One in the best gallery in downtown! I got rave reviews and was encouraged to contact the owner again when I have more pieces. I am proud that I contacted these places and that my art impressed them. I didn't get the spots in their galleries because I asked someone to do it for me, I sought out these opportunities myself, and went through the process of applying and showing interest. This proves that I can be acknowledged for my art and that I can reach out and be noticed.

My grades: In H.S. I didn't have very good grades past Sophomore year. Though Freshman year I got mostly all A's. This obviously put a strain on my esteem and made me feel eventually that I could not achieve impressive grades. But this semester, my first in College, I got a 3.7 GPA as a full time student. All A's and one B. I am proud of myself for this, I know it is an accomplishment, especially considering I was gone for a month to be in treatment. I made up my assignments and still kept up on my grades. I took the initiative to speak with the teachers before I left and to make sure that I was in good standing to leave and come back. I am very proud of that. I knew I could get good grades if only I tried. And i did, (not my best though, if I tried my best, I know I'd get straight A's) but...3.7 is very good for being gone for a month.

Contacting Dr's for WA and here: Right out of Rader I contacted counselors and Nutritionists. I wanted to have a supportive O.P. team and I succeeded with doing so. Also I am proud that I myself contacted a support team for my trip to WA. I looked up the resources and arranged all the meetings myself. I did this, without any ones help.

My knowledge/insight: I've always yearned to know more and more about my current interests. I have always taken commitment to learn new things and know them well. Whenever I had an interest, even a slight one, I'd read up on it and research it so that soon I'd be able to know enough about it to hold my own in conversations. This is a great quality for someone to have. I didn't grow apathetic in the topic and settle for not knowing certain things, I totally lunged into the topic until I was satisfied with how much I knew. I'm grateful for this obsessive tendency towards academia fueled by my undying curiosity. Also, with my insight I have always pondered my opinions, thoughts and beliefs and asked myself questions to try to prove them wrong so I'd look at each belief of mine from every angle. This has helped me become unbiased and analytical. I taught myself this from engaging in crucial conversations and exposing myself to arguments and debates that might put my know how at risk. It's taught me to put my emotions aside when taking part in these conversations so that I can keep my cool and keep the facts straight.

My money investments: I'm proud that I have saved so much money thus far. That I have tucked away my income and not splurged it all away.

Buying/getting my own things: Buying things has always been a difficulty for me. I am very cheap with money. I'll pass up a 50 cent item that I don't fully need. Though recently I have been buying more food and groceries that I want and need, and not asking for Peg or Kelly to provide them for me. Also, I know this is 'bad' but I get my own clothes, from shoplifting. I know this is nothing to be proud of...I shouldn't mention this as something I do for myself.

Sudoku: I know this might be lame, but I'm proud of myself that I have taught myself Sudoku. I have always wanted to be well with puzzles, and a few months ago I started doing Sudoku that was rather hard for me, and now I can do them all quite easily and quickly!

Relationships: I have never been a fully extroverted social butterfly. But I am spanned my wings out a lot since H.S. I have learned to take more risks with people and partake in friendships and reach out. I have always wanted to be a cafe sitter and chat while I sip coffee and smoke. Though Rob and I aren't friends any longer, that's separate from my achievement with this little goal that I have succeeded with. I'm glad that I have done normal things that might be considered a mistake, but they're normal mistakes people my age make.

And last...BUT NOT LEAST

My recovery: I am most proud that I am making such progress with my recovery. I know that each step I've made in the right direction has been because of the decisions I have made. From choosing to enlist in Rader, to following my meal plan, to sticking with the Protein bars. I did this. Recovery will be my most substantial achievement. This is the hugest thing anyone can overcome. And I am so proud that I am doing overall pretty damn well. I know I am still vulnerable for relapse, but me being aware of this, makes me stronger and encourages me to take part in therapy and exploring the reasons and triggers that might hinder my recovery.

I pray that I continue to do so.

There are many other aspects I'm proud of. I am gaining more self esteem and confidence in my abilities. I know I can trust and lean on myself and not fall. Everything big that I hold myself true to has been because of my choices and commitment.

Things I will accomplish:

MY CONTINUAL RECOVERY PROCESS.

Job to provide income for Therapy and expenses.

Good grades in school.

Continual art growth and art showings.

Bachelors degree.

Scholarship for College. (I know I can do this, perhaps Illustration scholarship? Psychology?)

Healthy relationships.

Finding job I like when I return.

Perhaps venture upon new cafe or hang out spot equivalent to PJ's. Maybe when Rob leaves I'll reignite my visits to PJ's.

These days

Well, i got the prescription. Ya!! I did water load though. Also I put things in my pockets. I was about 3 lbs heavier then I actually am.

But yesterday and today I'm starting to notice my weight gain. I don't feel fat necessarily. Just unfamiliar with my new body. I've gained 20 lbs, its just different.

My pants fit better and I feel healthier. I look healthier.

I'm just telling myself that one day I won't have to be putting on weight anymore. One day I will maintain and just focus on accepting my body as it is and have trust for myself that I will continue on with my stabilized m.p. and be able to love and accept myself as a healthy woman.

I'm gaining because:

Extra Cal's from high cal fruit. (Like dried fruit and such)

Pb

Extra exchanges (oat meal at night, extra servings of food I wouldn't normally have etc...)

Protein bars (520 Cal's extra a day)

All the extra Cal's I get through out the day is what is causing me gaining. Not what I would normally eat.

Exercised only 100 mins yesterday. Today my hip is killing me. My body is aching from all the walking. It doesn't help that I wear shitty shoes.

I'm way more relieved though that I have a 90 day prescription for Adderall and that I am moving back here for another semester or so. I'm looking forward to school and finding a P/T job when I return. I'll have money and I'll pay for therapy out of pocket till January.

Money comes and goes. Therapy is essential and I must not compromise my health and mental well-being on something as temporary as money.

Doctor Doctor tell me the news

Today's my Dr's apt. He's gonna check my weight and hopefully continue my prescription.

I'm pretty nervous about him deciding not to. I don't want to continue on with out it. I've been doing over all pretty well with it, and am worried that I won't do so well with out taking it.

I know this is an ED behavior, but I'm planning on water loading for my weight. So it seems higher. Just to put his mind at ease and to show that I am doing well now despite my first months weight loss.

I am so exhausted today. Yesterday I was as well. I think that's a sign that I am exercising still too much. My goal yesterday was to aim for only 90 mins. But I reached 2 hrs still.

I will set the goal again today. Only 90 mins.

It might be easier since I have plans today and thus might find it difficult to fit 2 hrs in.

I do have less stress though since my decision made about me coming back here after Summer. I know what to expect here. I know I will be in charge of my meals here and I know the food.

Right now, this is best. To stay familiar. I can handle 3-4 weeks in WA and when I get back and stabilize my weight hopefully I will grow more comfortable with being flexible with my schedule and meal plan.

I'm looking forward for when i return, I can get a job, by that time Christmas season will have brought stores to hire employees and I'll attend school Tuesday's and Thursday's starting September. So I will be busy, making money and be social. I pray I make good friends and hopefully find a bf. I want a relationship that will be good for me. But I won't rush anything. I'll just let it happen and have faith in God that he'll send me the right guy at the right time.

I know he won't let me down. I depend on God. I depend on myself and my family. They're all supportive and want the best for me.

I just hope that when I'm in Seattle I don't end up falling in love with it so much more, that I impulsively decided to stay. I think though I can trust myself to make the right decision and stay clear minded and not get swept away with the ideal of Seattle and a big city. The city will still be there when I am ready to move back.

Just make the right decision for me Amy!

Adderall

Tomorrow I have an apt with my Dr. He has prescribed me Adderall which I continued from my stay in Rader.

The deal was though that he would take me off it if I lost weight. I didn't see him last month so he didn't see my wght drop. I gained wght this month but am still worried that he will cut me off.

I am planning on water loading so my wght is a bit higher so that he will still let me take the Adderall.

I'm scared of not being on it. I haven't not taken it during my recovery, which I'm doing so well in.

It helps me focus and stay on top of things, lifts my mood and such. I'm nervous that the lack of Adderall and the additional stress of WA will only hinder me more and cause more discomfort and possible slips during my trip.

Besides all that:

My goal today is to exercise only 90 mins.

What am I fearful of about exercise?

I feel like something bad will happen if I don't exercise enough. It's a ritual of sorts, an obsession I turn to, to feel in control and balanced. I feel if I don't reach my set amount things will be off kilter and things won't be 'right'.

But I need to transition and start a healthy relationship with exercise.

What's a healthy amount of exercise??!

60-90 mins/day 3-5 days a week?

That's what the professionals recommend.

I'm nervous that I won't ever be able to find time for that amount.

But I know I will; realistically. I am in control here, and I make my own choices. There is enough time in the day for me to get a healthy amount of exercise.

And some days I should take a break. Not walk so much. The body needs a rest period.

I'm still so black and white about exercise.

Exercise every day for this length of time=good, of top of things, in control, right.

But I am the grey area. I don't need exercise at this point, and when I'm at a healthy spot, I can exercise accordingly and be able to take a break a couple times a week so my body can re-coop. Nothing bad will happen if I don't exercise.

Goals today:

90 mins walking

Have fats with meals

Have extra exchanges with meals (don't save them for later)
Stick with exact portion sizes

Today today today

Ive been noticing that I am falling into the habit to restrict at meals. I always try to correct myself at snack time with making up with what I missed.

but I don't know exactly why I am doing so. When I get to the moment of preparing dinner I end up restricting and cutting down portion sizes.

I think it's due to me being very, very nervous about my trip to WA. I'm very scared about seeing Jessica. She is immensely controlling and has stated that she will not let me exercise.

Also, I need to plan out my meals a bit more. I've been putting off planning and so when I get to the time to start making the meal I go into, 'auto-pilot' which is still ruled by the ED.

I just need to make sure I breath, stay conscious of my choices and stay aware of what I am doing. I know the weight gain is from eating so much. The food cal's I'm eating isn't a lot really, the majority of my cal intake is from the Protein bars. So I am thankful for them, because I can depend on them for absolute calorie intake.

I'm reminding myself that things will get better. Each lb is a lb towards health and being able to have more flexibility with eating.

I can do this. I mustn't punish my body to ease temporary anxiety.

Still obsession with exercise though. That is still my main problem. I think right now, my diagnosis would be not so much Anorexia as it use to be, though this is my main diagnosis, but currently I am purging through exercise. Not to compensate cals...I don't think, I just feel exercise is a quota, a must.

Thus: I am glad I am having the protein bars. Because without them I don't think I'd be gaining.

I'm realizing though that I am not fully responsible for my recovery. I still am responsible and yes, I AM doing the best I can from moment to moment. But the weight gain is from the Protein bars, not from me holding back on exercise.

Where will my recovery be once I take out the Protein bars and am at a normal weight? Will i have to eat more? If I continue with my exercise routine? Will I then lose weight, or gain?

UGH...I must not think about the future. Just focus on today AMY! the future will always be ahead. The present is always what I will be dealing with. So just focus on today, and today's m.p.

I will deal with futures problems in the future. I can only worry about one day at a time.

GOALS:

Exercise below 2hrs.

Don't exercise unless needed, (i.e. walking to bus, to Tam's group, etc...)

Stay with portion sizes.

Plan meals. Stand ground.

Catch myself and fix slip ups.

Be conscious of the moment during meals and be mindful of feelings.

FEELINGS:

Restricting feels like a way to fix the problem. Like I have done something wrong. And restriction's the way to fix it.

This is distorted of course!

Rational Voice: restricting only prolongs the problem. The problem is probably an illusion. Brought on by stress and feeling out of control. I must notice what I feel is problematic/wrong in my life. I must take the food out of the equation for fixing the problem. Food will not help the situation. Food is an object, nutrient's. Nothing that distinguishes strength, will power, worth or accomplishment.

Need to exercise. Feels like productivity. Feels like I am worthy, good, following rules, enduring, accomplished. (Distorted)

Rational Voice: Exercise is not an indicator for control. Exercise is only healthy when you do it moderately. Exercise sometimes controls my life and is getting in the way of real relationships. I can find other things to do to feel productive and to relieve anxiety. Walking will NOT purge away the uncomfortable feelings. Only addressing and working through them will.

Worried about change. Change of routine, not knowing what to expect.

Rational Voice: W.A. will only be for the Summer. I will come back here soon and be back in a familiar place. I will NOT gain a lot in W.A. I am suppose to gain anyways. But I will NOT be forced to eat foods I am uncomfortable with.

Strong fear of being controlled/pressured. Fear of feeling guilt for not partaking in certain family foods in WA.

Rational Voice: No one will control me. I am in control. I will tell them to trust me and my m.p. I am responsible. They can not take on the role of the 're-feeder'. That is MY job, all they can do is be supportive.

Feeling embarrassed/needy for being such a picky eater and needing accommodation.

Rational Voice: My family will understand. I just need to be honest. I must put my recovery's needs first.

I also use exercise as a distraction.

From what?:

Being hungry

Being bored

Meal times

Feeling idle, unproductive

Getting out of the house

Relieves anxiety

Time to think

HOW TO COPE:

Go to park, SIT and read, puzzles, draw etc...

Work on art projects

Clean

Write

Well it looks like....

It looks like I'm coming back here to live after summer. I just want to make sure I do well in my recovery and not change my living environment before I'm more stable in my recovery.

I still don't know for sure yet the outcome but for right now, I'm leaning towards coming back. I know what to expect here, I know I will be able to attend school and have a job somewhere. Mom will still send support and I will be alright.

Lord please help me continue to make the right decisions for my recovery. To have clarity. to pick myself up when I fall.

I think after a year of being actively in recovery, and being at a stable weight I will consider moving back. Hopefully I can handle it then.

Honestly the main reason's i wanted to move back was because I was lonely here. I felt distant from Peg and Kelly. But not we've reestablished a relationship again. And I have found things to do and when I'm in school and staying busy I have done okay. The summer will give me a vacation, with hopefully things to do to pass time, I can handle 4 weeks or so.

Also, I wanted to move back because I felt that I'd be helped out more financially. But realistically I am an adult, and I need to get use to depending on myself for income. I can't save every penny I earn, I'll end up having to pay for things no matter where I live. I can't depend on Mom and the rest of the family to buy me things.

Apart of moving back was a chance to reclaim dependency maybe? I'm nervous about adulthood. Making it on my own. But as I am spending more money now on things, I'm finding I'm still okay. How much money I have doesn't make me any better off or more secure.

I have Carla, Sunny and Tam's group.

Nothing is forever. I can still move back one day and be with the family I grew up with and in the City I love. One day...

But for now, my recovery is my main focus and I need to take every precaution I can.

Lord, continue to bless me and give me peace of mind. Help me focus on the present and not obsess and worry about the future. Take one day at a time. I can't predict the future.

To WA or Fresno?

Well my trip back home is nearing. Very nervous about it. I'm scared about becoming overwhelmed by the change and that might lead me to relapse. I don't want to have a slip and end up taking a step back. Change is hard for me so I hope I can handle the transition.

I just need to stand my ground and be honest with my folks. Tell them my meal plan, the amount of exercise I'm allowed to do and to tell them that i need to stay consistent in order to feel comfortable and healthy.

I'll let them know I can exercise 1-2 hrs/day.

No greasy foods.

Let them know of fear foods. (Butter, Fat, Oil, Greasy food, Junk food, Cheese, High Fat content etc...)

Let them know I want to make my own meals majority of the time, especially breakfast and dinner.

Must have Non-fat yogurt, Non-fat cottage cheese, oat meal, bread, fish fillets and chicken breasts, fruit i.e. apples, oranges, raisins, dried fruit, vegetables and so forth. (I want to have the same foods as I do here.)

Tell Jessica and Ruthanne not to expect me to be able to eat junk food/sweets/candy/fear foods.

Let them know that I NEED to know what to expect for meals, like times and what. Eating out is hard for me, unless I know menu and exchange options.

I don't think it's a good idea to stay too long at Ruthanne's. Just for like...one weekend. Same with Jessica. Jessica can come to my mom's house. Ruthanne can spend days with me and go to Seattle. I don't want to be changing my environment too much.

I can do this! Amy, you will be fine. Just pray, be honest, know you are in control and you don't have to be pressured to eat anything you think might hurt your recovery.

Lord, please give me insight and clarity with hearing the ED thoughts. I pray for acceptance and trust with myself. To accept and love my new body as it changes. To remind myself that this is just a changing period, that will not last forever. Every lb is a lb towards the end of this part of my recovery. Eventually I can go on a maintained meal plan and be able to trust it and grow use to my new body.

Right now though I am content with staying in Fresno. I have school here and I don't have to stay here forever! Maybe another year will be fine. That way I can maintain here and grow accustomed to my new meal plan and body. So I don't have to get use to a changing body and a changed place of living.

I have friends here. Possibly get a bf when school starts? Find a job, since my classes look like they'll be on Tuesday and Thursday's. I'll be able to afford therapy without insurance till January and Mom will still send support.

I can handle it here, I must put my recovery first!

Lord please lead me to the right choice. There is no right or wrong choice. Either place will have its draw backs and positives. But for now, recovery is my main focus. And I don't want to risk it. Everything is temporary. Change will always happen and maybe in a year if I decide to stay here, a can move back when I think it is right.

Weight gain

Horray!

I am very relived actually. First thing in the morning yesterday beforemy apt, I was sure I lost. I was scared and had mixed feelings about either outcome. If I lost, It was a step in the wrong direction, i'd have to change my meal plan and it would add stress. It would be a sign that the ED is still in control and that i was losing the battle.

Weight gain scared me just for the fact that it meant I was changing. But before my apt I was hoping to have gained. I know I hadn't gained a lot, but atleast each lb is a lb in the right direction. One step closer to not needing the pro bars and the extra food.

I did gain, 3 lbs. In a lil' over a month. I was relieved, I see it as getting to my goal. Soon I will be 110 lbs,a healthy weight and be able to maintain it and not worry about my weight fluctuating. it's still hard to imagine my weight being stable. For it's always moved.

I feel a lot better with myself, for having gained then i did last month when i lost. Why? Lack of nutrition causes distorted thinking. Obsession.

My goal is to continue to not over exercise. 90 mins to two hrs a day.

stick with meal plan and a set schedule. Sunny said it doesn't matter what the schedule is, but I know for right now I need ground rules and routine because I'm likely to negotiate and manipulate it.

One day i will be at 110, (or a healthy weight, which ever that is) and be able to maintain. I wont be fat. No one wants me fat. I must trust my Dr's.

Also, I'm happy to know that the weight gain is from the pro bars, not the food. The food I am eating is sometimes difficult because it's hard to plan out every thing in a meal because it calls for more food. I'm looking forward to just being able to eat a regular meal without having to obsess about if its enough.

All the numbers tally up. About 2300 cals/day with moderate exercise leads to one lb a week.

The pro bars equal to 520 extra cals, times 7/days a week and thats about,3600 cals a week extra, equaling to about one lb weight gain/wk.

Im hapy to see the numbers are correct and that I am able to predict a bit more what my body needs to maintain, lose and gain weight. The mystery and fear of unknowing what my body can handle is shining light and it's putting my mind at ease to be able to know the facts.

Since I am a highly factual person who trusts evidence and numbers, I am relieved.

I pray that I accept my new body. To take care of myself.

How to take care of myself:

Sleep enough! Bed time at 11:30pm. Wake at 8-9am.

Stick with m.p.

No over exercising.

Be honest, talk out feelings with Carla/Tam's group/Peg/Kelly/Ruthanne/Jessica, etc.

Stretch/yoga.

Journal.

Be spare with caffeine

Hang with people. (i.e. Rachel, Joe)

Stay busy.

Activities to stay occupied.

Lord, continue to give me clarity. To see myself as authentically beautiful and not be fooled by the Ed.

Dietician today

Very nervous about it.

Idk if I have gained or not. Maybe like 2-3 lbs. I'm just telling myself that it is okay to have gained. It's from the extra cals in the pro bars.

I started to think, if I am expecting/hoping to have lost does that mean that I have been restricting? Cutting back portion sizes? Be honest with myself! I am being spare on portion sizes and fat exchanges.

I want to gain weight, but for some reason I don't want to do it on my own. I want people to do it for me? Like in Rader.

I must take responsibility for my recovery.

If someone would give me the opportunity to go back into in patient I would. I'd pack my bags the fastest I could and ship right over there. Who ever would take me.

I am around 90 lbs right now. If I gain like...10-15 more lbs I'd be way healthier and more healthy looking, and then I wouldn't have to bother with a weight gain meal plan. For too much longer anyhow.

10-15 lbs isn't that much more right? Yeah right. Easier said then done.

After this month, if I continue to lose (if I have lost) then I will try to get back into a program. If I have gained, then I will try my hardest to continue and accept my new body. And slowly gain weight. I haven't gained one lb a week I'm sure. At least it doesn't feel like it.

We will see.

Pray for me! I'll definitely be praying more myself.

No matter what the outcome today I pray I'll lead myself down the RIGHT path and work hard to grow into a better body, one that is healthy and one that I accept. I pray to be able to see the ED and have a clear mind able to distinguish my authentic self, and the ED.

idk

idk if I am gaining weight.

Apart of me doesn't want to. I feel like if I don't gain it's proving control.

Though i know I must.

The Ed is saying that I'm fine the way I am.

But I need to tell myself that I am not attractive being this thin, guys don't like girls this thin.

I AM in control by gaining and making the right choices.

The problems that I am facing is adding fats. I count the food I am already having as well as fat content, when I think I should be adding other fats. I will talk with Sunny my RN tomorrow.

How will I feel if I have gained? I will tell myself that I am on the right track. The gain is from the protein bars. Not from the food.

So far...

So far today I have started random projects. Which is a good thing. I'm relieved. I'm staying focused and finding things to do with my time besides walking.

Another reason i walk is to be out of the house by the time Kelly and Peg get home. IDK why exactly. I feel if I am home they'll see me as lazy. Friendless.

Which is a distortion i know.

But I can still go to the park, SIT and read, draw and puzzle. I can sit out in the sun and enjoy my music and activities, still be outside (I don't like being indoors in the afternoon) and come home later in time for dinner.

The only problem i face with this though is my snack. Should I have my snack there at the park? Before when I've had it I ate it at home, while watching TV. I ate it very slow.

I can have my snack at the park, while reading, drawing etc...

Yay for a great day.

Well today has been a good day thus far.

I think its due to me actually finding things to do this morning.

Little things that kept my mind occupied.

I'm trying not to exercise so much. Staying around 90 mins. My body can't handle 2 hrs consistently.

I should just exercise a healthy amount and let my body change as it needs to.

I hooked up with this guy. Joe. I think i might be using him as a distraction though. A distraction from me always thinking about my recovery. Its a relief to be thinking of a life outside of an ed.

I would like to become more serious with him, there is potential for a serious relationship. But sadly what we have going on is an inevitable fling based on the fact of me leaving for the summer and possibly deciding to stay there.

I love my body. I have to. I need to still gain and focus on my recovery. I need to gain and have a healthier body and mind, a life that does not revolve around the amount of exercise I do or how many calories I eat.

This fling with Joe makes me feel like I have a life that doesn't involve me planning and thinking obsessively about the ed.

Here we go again.

Well this morning I awoke in a better mood. I went to bed earlier. But I'm still worried about falling into a low mood.

My attitude is rather sensitive and it doesn't take much of an environmental change to put my mood into a negative tangent.

I need things to do and to focus on. besides the ed.

I really need interests. I have plenty, but I never get moving and aspire to start any of them.

What can I do to stay focused on something, and live outside of myself?

Clean? T.v. Socialize. Hang with people. Shop, Read, Puzzles, Research, Photography, Draw.

There are so many things I like to do but never get around to them.

My time is dedicated to the next walk, the next meal. It's annoying and exhausting.

I feel like I am trapped in my head pacing back and forth in a myriad of extremes pulling me every which way.

Goal:

Have fats in meals.

Stick with Meal schedule.

No more exercise then 1hr 50 mins. (even better if 90 mins)

START PROJECT!

(Portrait of someone or something.)

Things to lift mood:

Read inspiring books.

Puzzles.

Meditate.

Yoga.

Call support.

Draw.

T.V.

Write/Journal.

My morning so far.

Well this morning Idk what I feel. kind of upset at myself. I don't know why? My goal today is to exercise NO MORE then 90 minutes. my body is showing signs that I'm over extending myself. Its sun burnt, aching, limping, bruised all from walking.

My body is showing signs I am over extending it too much. It's sun burnt, aching, bruised and limping all from unnecessary walking.

A normal person doesn't need to walk as much as I do. I won't gain 5 lbs a wk from walking 90 minutes a day and not 2hrs. Nor if I walk only an hr.

I am nervous about today. I hate not having plans. i feel lazy and it brings low esteem when I'm being idle not doing anything. I feel like a loser. So I need to stay occupied. And not use exercise to pass time, or to feel productive.

So what can i do??

Spend time with Peggy. (talk about our recoveries)

Garden with Peg.

Store.

Art project.

Call Jessica and John Leslie.

Watch a movie.

I need to be honest! About how I feel:

I feel for some reason Peggy and others are upset at me. This I am sure is my own reflection of myself and how I feel towards myself. I do feel upset/mad at myself. Why? I've been exercising too much? Feel out of control? Feel the control of the ED slowly coming back. I CAN'T ALLOW IT INTO MY LIFE! I NEED TO PUSH IT AWAY!

I should talk with Peggy about how she feels towards me.

Does she think I am lazy? A loser? No friends? A disappointment? Does she think I'm doing well in my recovery?

Why am I in a low mood?? IDK. It's bugging me. It's like this agitation, frustration towards myself.

I should do Yoga. Stretch my body and relieve some stress.

I feel guilty for not being out in the Living room with Peg. Is she mad about that?Why am I so insecure this morning? I really should sleep more. I end up going to bed at 1130. Wake firstly at 6, then dose on and off till 8. Maybe the restlessness is due to so much walking and exhaustion.

I should talk with Peggy about things I can do to pass the time. To help me stay focused. I should confess how I use exercise to cope with stress and unproductively. How I need to practice with being mindful.

I should call Jessica to help cope.

I know I seem rather manic. But this is a rapid thought blog at the moment. lol. You're getting the thoughts as they arise.

Not like anyone's reading this anyways.

Productive things to do:

Tattoo design, draw, portraits, paint, write, blog, journal, read, clean, garden, research new topics, i.e. religion, politics, psychology, addiction and so forth.

Maybe I should make a shirt today! Or an art quilt. I think I should start an art quilt.

Also; I've been struggling with restricting. I have been having the urge to manipulate my meal plan. Like consider the fats in the food I'm already eating as what I'm suppose to be using counting as fats. Or thinking about which choice is the lowest cal. I still need to gain. It doesn't matter how I get there. There is no right way to recovery, just focus on today and not the future. Right now I am under weight, and obsessing too much over exercising and beginning to focus control over calories and exchanges. It's all a distorted perception of control.

Why Do i feel out of control?

Nervous about exercise today.

Nervous about being bored today and not having anything to do.

Feeling judged by Peggy for being lazy?

I need to accept myself.

Just because right now I am feeling discomfort, doesn't mean it's an infinite feeling. This feeling will pass, and one day thing's will be easier and I will be happy.

Well....I'll letcha' know tomorrow my progress.

Self Love

I can tell I am gaining weight. Which I am okay with I guess.

There's still a part of me that is unfamiliar with it. I'm not 'mad' or 'upset'. Just...not use to it.

My stomach is a bit rounder, but I see it as softness. I see it as health and womanly shape. I'm viewing it as beauty and authenticity.

My body is getting healthier and stronger and I should accept it and see my body as a tool to propel myself in life, not something that is holding me back or hindering my potential.

Anorexia is what is holding me back from all that I am capable.

I can do many things with a healthy, strong body. With an Anorexic body I can not do anything but wait for deaths invite.

I love myself. My body is changing and I will accept and love it no matter what. I deserve to take care of myself. One day i will meet a boy who will love my curves and soft extra skin seeing it as comfort and security, not fat. The extra skin gives me endurance, energy, comfort, warmth, security, insurance and so much more.

Lord I pray that I continue to love my body and recognize when I am acting out destructively. I pray to be able to correct myself and instead of expressing my discomfort and stress out on my body, but to reach out and heal my worries through positive ways that are in best interest for my life and recovery.

I should not hurt my body in a way that will have negative permanent effects for feelings of temporary of discomfort.

I pray to acknowledge that change will always occur and I will always adapt. I need to trust myself, God, my body, my meal plan and the recovery process. One day I will be at a place where I can relax and not going through so much physical change.

Goals:

Finish snack at scheduled time.

No more exercise then 1hr and 50 mins.

Hang with Joe?

Look up volunteer opportunities in WA.

House work.

Find things to do with my free time instead of walking.

(I need to find things to do to feel productive besides exercise)

Wish me luck!

Back again

Well this is Peggy's last day of her forever vacation! I'm relieved thing's will be back to normal. Though I hope I can stay busy and not get lonely without her.

I feel since she's been home it has been difficult for me. The change of routine. But I did get use to the routine I made with her being at home. Which shows that I do adapt rather quickly, I just need to trust myself and give myself some time. I will always adapt to change. Change will always happen in life.

Me and my counselor again talked about my priorities. I experience dis-comfort when I don't know what to expect with meals. When I can't control what I am having and when I don't know exchanges.

Yesterday I was invited to a dinner party. I wanted to go, but was very anxious about not knowing the exchanges and the food that I'd be eating. A situation like that could have easily led me to restrict. I felt bad and guilty for not wanting to go because of this, but Carla (my therapist) said I am not yet ready to always face situations like this, this early on in my recovery.

I must put my needs for a smooth recovery first. So i did not go and realized I am not a normal person when it comes to eating. And I can't expect myself to be able to eat out casually just yet. Though one day i hope I will, along with the hope of one day being able to eat intuitively. But I am not there yet. And it will be a long time until I am.

So I guess I need to set my priorities and ground rules down once again. To remind myself:

I am not yet a normal person with food. I must tailor my recovery so that I am not in high risk situations where it'll threaten my recovery.

I can not exercise more then 2 hours a day. If I go over, I must add exchanges. (as I did yesterday)

I must not put myself in a situation where I will miss or prolong my set meal schedule.

I can not negotiate! ANYTHING! i.e. schedule, exercise, portions, exchanges etc...

I must avoid events that will cause discomfort and potentially cause me to act out.

No addictive behaviors like, over consumption of caffeine, lack of sleep, drastic change in routine, isolation, being overwhelmed, taking care of others before myself, taking responsibility for others lives, shoplifting, over-exercising, putting myself in places or in contact with people who are triggering.

What are my triggers?

Talking with Danielle about what SHE should eat. It is not my responsibility to decide what she needs to eat.

Danielle talking about how she is not hungry for meals.

Me feeling hungry.

Feeling unappreciated, wanting attention=leads to me trying to get attention from my ed, taking role as the victim.

Feeling insecure, doubting my self and my own decisions.

Feeling guilty for having to accommodate my recovery to my life. I feel I ought to be able to eat normally and not tailor so much to my recovery. But it is a MUST. Recovery is hard but needs to to maintained, ground rules and consistency.

Decision making.

Holding feelings in. Not expressing them and not voicing my needs and wants.

Feeling like a burden.

Boredom..

Feeling unproductive and lazy.

Feeling out of control and fear of becoming an overeater once I maintain my healthy weight.

There are many more, but those are just a few.

How can I prevent them and how can I correct myself when I notice a slip?

Ground self: by meditating, journaling, recognizing signs, be honest with self and with others, talk with people who are supportive about struggles.

I can talk to: Carla, support group, you-tube support, Ruthanne, Mom, Jessica, Peggy, Kelly, Joe?, Danielle, Shannon?

Wish me luck. I MUST RECOVER! I have made so much progress. This only shows that if I keep trucking along and sticking with my recovery I will keep progressing and things will eventually be better.