Harder and harder

It's getting harder and harder to pick my self back up.

I am really feeling the Ed coming back and I hate it. Idk how to fix the slip. How do I prevent further slipping?

I guess I should try to be mindful of my feelings:

-Anxiety

-Disappointment

-Nervous

-Feeling something bad will happen

-Need to protect myself

Why do I feel need to protect myself?:

-Washington?

-Moving with Peggy

-Fear o gaining too fast and not stabilizing

-Eating feels wrong at times

-Insecure about money?? Though I haven't really had too much of a problem as much with spending, I know I will get a job and start saving again

-Feelings of worthlessness/unproductive

Goal is to gain weight! I can stabilize at a healthy weight and maintain it. I am in control!

I just hate the feeling of wanting to stay at my current weight. I feel like I don't want to gain in WA. Just stay maintained, then gain when I come back? Why? WA feels insecure and unfamiliar. Don't know what to expect so I'm turning to food to control my environment.

PLEASE GOD HELP ME PICK MYSELF BACK UP!