I feel at times, that I have never accomplished anything worthy on my own, and that I can't depend on myself.
But I need to become aware that I am self-sufficient and that I have done things by myself with no help from others and have done them well.
Here is my list so far:
My creative technique and ability: I know I am pretty good with art. I have not had any training. I taught myself and have always aspired to hone my ability and grow stronger as an artist.
Considering my age, my amount of professional teaching, (none) I know I am pretty damn good. I'm confident enough to not get jealous or overly intimidated by someone who might be better then I. I know I can hold my own in my own right. I am proud of this.
My Art Gallery displays: I have always wanted to be displayed in Galleries. And so far I have been in four shows. One even for a spring term. (about 3 weeks) and was part of two Art hops in downtown. One in the best gallery in downtown! I got rave reviews and was encouraged to contact the owner again when I have more pieces. I am proud that I contacted these places and that my art impressed them. I didn't get the spots in their galleries because I asked someone to do it for me, I sought out these opportunities myself, and went through the process of applying and showing interest. This proves that I can be acknowledged for my art and that I can reach out and be noticed.
My grades: In H.S. I didn't have very good grades past Sophomore year. Though Freshman year I got mostly all A's. This obviously put a strain on my esteem and made me feel eventually that I could not achieve impressive grades. But this semester, my first in College, I got a 3.7 GPA as a full time student. All A's and one B. I am proud of myself for this, I know it is an accomplishment, especially considering I was gone for a month to be in treatment. I made up my assignments and still kept up on my grades. I took the initiative to speak with the teachers before I left and to make sure that I was in good standing to leave and come back. I am very proud of that. I knew I could get good grades if only I tried. And i did, (not my best though, if I tried my best, I know I'd get straight A's) but...3.7 is very good for being gone for a month.
Contacting Dr's for WA and here: Right out of Rader I contacted counselors and Nutritionists. I wanted to have a supportive O.P. team and I succeeded with doing so. Also I am proud that I myself contacted a support team for my trip to WA. I looked up the resources and arranged all the meetings myself. I did this, without any ones help.
My knowledge/insight: I've always yearned to know more and more about my current interests. I have always taken commitment to learn new things and know them well. Whenever I had an interest, even a slight one, I'd read up on it and research it so that soon I'd be able to know enough about it to hold my own in conversations. This is a great quality for someone to have. I didn't grow apathetic in the topic and settle for not knowing certain things, I totally lunged into the topic until I was satisfied with how much I knew. I'm grateful for this obsessive tendency towards academia fueled by my undying curiosity. Also, with my insight I have always pondered my opinions, thoughts and beliefs and asked myself questions to try to prove them wrong so I'd look at each belief of mine from every angle. This has helped me become unbiased and analytical. I taught myself this from engaging in crucial conversations and exposing myself to arguments and debates that might put my know how at risk. It's taught me to put my emotions aside when taking part in these conversations so that I can keep my cool and keep the facts straight.
My money investments: I'm proud that I have saved so much money thus far. That I have tucked away my income and not splurged it all away.
Buying/getting my own things: Buying things has always been a difficulty for me. I am very cheap with money. I'll pass up a 50 cent item that I don't fully need. Though recently I have been buying more food and groceries that I want and need, and not asking for Peg or Kelly to provide them for me. Also, I know this is 'bad' but I get my own clothes, from shoplifting. I know this is nothing to be proud of...I shouldn't mention this as something I do for myself.
Sudoku: I know this might be lame, but I'm proud of myself that I have taught myself Sudoku. I have always wanted to be well with puzzles, and a few months ago I started doing Sudoku that was rather hard for me, and now I can do them all quite easily and quickly!
Relationships: I have never been a fully extroverted social butterfly. But I am spanned my wings out a lot since H.S. I have learned to take more risks with people and partake in friendships and reach out. I have always wanted to be a cafe sitter and chat while I sip coffee and smoke. Though Rob and I aren't friends any longer, that's separate from my achievement with this little goal that I have succeeded with. I'm glad that I have done normal things that might be considered a mistake, but they're normal mistakes people my age make.
And last...BUT NOT LEAST
My recovery: I am most proud that I am making such progress with my recovery. I know that each step I've made in the right direction has been because of the decisions I have made. From choosing to enlist in Rader, to following my meal plan, to sticking with the Protein bars. I did this. Recovery will be my most substantial achievement. This is the hugest thing anyone can overcome. And I am so proud that I am doing overall pretty damn well. I know I am still vulnerable for relapse, but me being aware of this, makes me stronger and encourages me to take part in therapy and exploring the reasons and triggers that might hinder my recovery.
I pray that I continue to do so.
There are many other aspects I'm proud of. I am gaining more self esteem and confidence in my abilities. I know I can trust and lean on myself and not fall. Everything big that I hold myself true to has been because of my choices and commitment.
Things I will accomplish:
MY CONTINUAL RECOVERY PROCESS.
Job to provide income for Therapy and expenses.
Good grades in school.
Continual art growth and art showings.
Bachelors degree.
Scholarship for College. (I know I can do this, perhaps Illustration scholarship? Psychology?)
Healthy relationships.
Finding job I like when I return.
Perhaps venture upon new cafe or hang out spot equivalent to PJ's. Maybe when Rob leaves I'll reignite my visits to PJ's.
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