Dietician today

Very nervous about it.

Idk if I have gained or not. Maybe like 2-3 lbs. I'm just telling myself that it is okay to have gained. It's from the extra cals in the pro bars.

I started to think, if I am expecting/hoping to have lost does that mean that I have been restricting? Cutting back portion sizes? Be honest with myself! I am being spare on portion sizes and fat exchanges.

I want to gain weight, but for some reason I don't want to do it on my own. I want people to do it for me? Like in Rader.

I must take responsibility for my recovery.

If someone would give me the opportunity to go back into in patient I would. I'd pack my bags the fastest I could and ship right over there. Who ever would take me.

I am around 90 lbs right now. If I gain like...10-15 more lbs I'd be way healthier and more healthy looking, and then I wouldn't have to bother with a weight gain meal plan. For too much longer anyhow.

10-15 lbs isn't that much more right? Yeah right. Easier said then done.

After this month, if I continue to lose (if I have lost) then I will try to get back into a program. If I have gained, then I will try my hardest to continue and accept my new body. And slowly gain weight. I haven't gained one lb a week I'm sure. At least it doesn't feel like it.

We will see.

Pray for me! I'll definitely be praying more myself.

No matter what the outcome today I pray I'll lead myself down the RIGHT path and work hard to grow into a better body, one that is healthy and one that I accept. I pray to be able to see the ED and have a clear mind able to distinguish my authentic self, and the ED.