Noticing the struggles

I'm really noticing my struggles lately.

I compulsively exercising. I feel bad about eating. It feels sometimes like poison I'm forcing into my body.

I must follow my meal plan. The problems I'm experiencing aren't involved with food. Food and exercise is separate.

What am I really feeling?

IDK! I wish I knew. I wish I could just pin-point out my worries and figure out the real issue.

Potential problems:

Moving with peg to new apartment

Money

Job and school

Feeling worthless/unproductive/incapable/low self-esteem

I am capable! I know I am. I have accomplished worthy things. And I can continue to do so.

My fear today so far has been the worry that I will not maintain. I know I will eventually, but I'm scared that I will have to eat barely anything in order to maintain my goal weight.

But I must look to the facts.

My BMR is low because my weight it low. The higher my weight the higher my BMR will be. I will exercise moderately thus I will stay healthy.

I lost weight the first month because I exercised too much despite the one pro bar.

This means that my metabolism is not as slow as I feared. I get about 2200 cals a day now, with 2hrs exercise a day=365 cals burned.

2200-365=1835 cals attained after exercise.

My BMR now is about 1300, thus equaling to about 500 cal difference leading to one lb a week.

Last month I gained roughly 0.525 lbs a week? About a half pound?

UGH! Stop it Amy. Stop fretting over number and formulas.

I must trust the process.

It's hard but i must go through it.

Look for inspiration from others.

Arielle from You-Tube- at stable weight

Lou-Stable

Bea-Stable

Rachel (counselor from Rader)- Stable, successful, recovered, counselor, still exercises moderately

Nicole (RD from Rader)- Stable, successful, thin, recovered

Aimee Lui- Stable, successful

Marya Hornbacher- Stable, successful

Crystal Renn- Model after recovery, stable

Jenni Schafer- Stable, successful

Carly, Shannon, Kat(Rader), Alyssa(Rader)- Stable, still pretty and thin, successful

I must do the right thing. Make the right choices even though I feel the urge to partake in bad behaviors.

Right choices:

Don't over-exercise

Stick with M.P.

Add fats to diet

DON'T cut down on portion sizes

Stick to M.P. schedule! Lunch at 1:30pm, Dinner at 7-730pm

Don't add immense seasonings to food, don't reheat food. Don't distract self from eating.

"Lord I pray to do well today. To get through the struggles. To make the right choices. To be able t recognize the real issue behind the food and exercise routine. Pleas help me separate my voice and the ED. Give me clarity Lord."