I use exercise as a way to protect myself, from the future, I fear that in the future that I will not exercise and then gain. But I mustn't worry about the future. I can not control the future. I can only control today.
I feel though that I am not ready to give up exercise. Apart of me is apathetic about the amount I walk and I rationalize my exercising by saying that it's okay because if I do continue to exercise this much in the future, I can continue to take a protein bar to counteract the exercise.
But I know that any obsession is unhealthy and any addiction leads a life of it's own putting other life important's to the side and put the addiction first.
Why do I exercise?:
Obsession, feel bad. Like something bad will happen if I don't exercise to my set amount.
Distraction from food, being hungry, feeling idle and bored.
Makes me feel productive, busy and accomplished.
How to cope:
Replace exercise, find things to do besides walk. (i.e. art, read, friends, work, school)
Listen to my body. If it's aching that means I need to rest!
Acknowledge why I feel need to exercise.
What do I feel before exercising?
Bored.
Anxious.
Feeling like theres nothing to do.
Restless.
Need to leave house.
Don't like being inside/at home during the day.
Things I'm running away from:
- Anxiety and restlessness
-Feeling lazy, unproductive and worthless
-Fear of gaining too fast without exercise
(this is kinda' a secondary fear, I know I have to gain...)
-Proving self accomplishment and endurance
On the different note:
I think that when i return to Fresno I will be better off when I land a job and attend school. It'll give me something to do and dedicate my time to, and keep me feeling distracted, productive and busy.
I just pray to God I can handle it all, school and a job.
I think I can now though. I have a but more confidence with being able to handle my time and meal's more wisely now. I just need to be honest, strict with myself and honest. Keep tabs on the ED thoughts and actions.
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