I feel since she's been home it has been difficult for me. The change of routine. But I did get use to the routine I made with her being at home. Which shows that I do adapt rather quickly, I just need to trust myself and give myself some time. I will always adapt to change. Change will always happen in life.
Me and my counselor again talked about my priorities. I experience dis-comfort when I don't know what to expect with meals. When I can't control what I am having and when I don't know exchanges.
Yesterday I was invited to a dinner party. I wanted to go, but was very anxious about not knowing the exchanges and the food that I'd be eating. A situation like that could have easily led me to restrict. I felt bad and guilty for not wanting to go because of this, but Carla (my therapist) said I am not yet ready to always face situations like this, this early on in my recovery.
I must put my needs for a smooth recovery first. So i did not go and realized I am not a normal person when it comes to eating. And I can't expect myself to be able to eat out casually just yet. Though one day i hope I will, along with the hope of one day being able to eat intuitively. But I am not there yet. And it will be a long time until I am.
So I guess I need to set my priorities and ground rules down once again. To remind myself:
I am not yet a normal person with food. I must tailor my recovery so that I am not in high risk situations where it'll threaten my recovery.
I can not exercise more then 2 hours a day. If I go over, I must add exchanges. (as I did yesterday)
I must not put myself in a situation where I will miss or prolong my set meal schedule.
I can not negotiate! ANYTHING! i.e. schedule, exercise, portions, exchanges etc...
I must avoid events that will cause discomfort and potentially cause me to act out.
No addictive behaviors like, over consumption of caffeine, lack of sleep, drastic change in routine, isolation, being overwhelmed, taking care of others before myself, taking responsibility for others lives, shoplifting, over-exercising, putting myself in places or in contact with people who are triggering.
What are my triggers?
Talking with Danielle about what SHE should eat. It is not my responsibility to decide what she needs to eat.
Danielle talking about how she is not hungry for meals.
Me feeling hungry.
Feeling unappreciated, wanting attention=leads to me trying to get attention from my ed, taking role as the victim.
Feeling insecure, doubting my self and my own decisions.
Feeling guilty for having to accommodate my recovery to my life. I feel I ought to be able to eat normally and not tailor so much to my recovery. But it is a MUST. Recovery is hard but needs to to maintained, ground rules and consistency.
Decision making.
Holding feelings in. Not expressing them and not voicing my needs and wants.
Feeling like a burden.
Boredom..
Feeling unproductive and lazy.
Feeling out of control and fear of becoming an overeater once I maintain my healthy weight.
There are many more, but those are just a few.
How can I prevent them and how can I correct myself when I notice a slip?
Ground self: by meditating, journaling, recognizing signs, be honest with self and with others, talk with people who are supportive about struggles.
I can talk to: Carla, support group, you-tube support, Ruthanne, Mom, Jessica, Peggy, Kelly, Joe?, Danielle, Shannon?
Wish me luck. I MUST RECOVER! I have made so much progress. This only shows that if I keep trucking along and sticking with my recovery I will keep progressing and things will eventually be better.
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