My body is showing signs I am over extending it too much. It's sun burnt, aching, bruised and limping all from unnecessary walking.
A normal person doesn't need to walk as much as I do. I won't gain 5 lbs a wk from walking 90 minutes a day and not 2hrs. Nor if I walk only an hr.
I am nervous about today. I hate not having plans. i feel lazy and it brings low esteem when I'm being idle not doing anything. I feel like a loser. So I need to stay occupied. And not use exercise to pass time, or to feel productive.
So what can i do??
Spend time with Peggy. (talk about our recoveries)
Garden with Peg.
Store.
Art project.
Call Jessica and John Leslie.
Watch a movie.
I need to be honest! About how I feel:
I feel for some reason Peggy and others are upset at me. This I am sure is my own reflection of myself and how I feel towards myself. I do feel upset/mad at myself. Why? I've been exercising too much? Feel out of control? Feel the control of the ED slowly coming back. I CAN'T ALLOW IT INTO MY LIFE! I NEED TO PUSH IT AWAY!
I should talk with Peggy about how she feels towards me.
Does she think I am lazy? A loser? No friends? A disappointment? Does she think I'm doing well in my recovery?
Why am I in a low mood?? IDK. It's bugging me. It's like this agitation, frustration towards myself.
I should do Yoga. Stretch my body and relieve some stress.
I feel guilty for not being out in the Living room with Peg. Is she mad about that?Why am I so insecure this morning? I really should sleep more. I end up going to bed at 1130. Wake firstly at 6, then dose on and off till 8. Maybe the restlessness is due to so much walking and exhaustion.
I should talk with Peggy about things I can do to pass the time. To help me stay focused. I should confess how I use exercise to cope with stress and unproductively. How I need to practice with being mindful.
I should call Jessica to help cope.
I know I seem rather manic. But this is a rapid thought blog at the moment. lol. You're getting the thoughts as they arise.
Not like anyone's reading this anyways.
Productive things to do:
Tattoo design, draw, portraits, paint, write, blog, journal, read, clean, garden, research new topics, i.e. religion, politics, psychology, addiction and so forth.
Maybe I should make a shirt today! Or an art quilt. I think I should start an art quilt.
Also; I've been struggling with restricting. I have been having the urge to manipulate my meal plan. Like consider the fats in the food I'm already eating as what I'm suppose to be using counting as fats. Or thinking about which choice is the lowest cal. I still need to gain. It doesn't matter how I get there. There is no right way to recovery, just focus on today and not the future. Right now I am under weight, and obsessing too much over exercising and beginning to focus control over calories and exchanges. It's all a distorted perception of control.
Why Do i feel out of control?
Nervous about exercise today.
Nervous about being bored today and not having anything to do.
Feeling judged by Peggy for being lazy?
I need to accept myself.
Just because right now I am feeling discomfort, doesn't mean it's an infinite feeling. This feeling will pass, and one day thing's will be easier and I will be happy.
Well....I'll letcha' know tomorrow my progress.
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