Today today today

Ive been noticing that I am falling into the habit to restrict at meals. I always try to correct myself at snack time with making up with what I missed.

but I don't know exactly why I am doing so. When I get to the moment of preparing dinner I end up restricting and cutting down portion sizes.

I think it's due to me being very, very nervous about my trip to WA. I'm very scared about seeing Jessica. She is immensely controlling and has stated that she will not let me exercise.

Also, I need to plan out my meals a bit more. I've been putting off planning and so when I get to the time to start making the meal I go into, 'auto-pilot' which is still ruled by the ED.

I just need to make sure I breath, stay conscious of my choices and stay aware of what I am doing. I know the weight gain is from eating so much. The food cal's I'm eating isn't a lot really, the majority of my cal intake is from the Protein bars. So I am thankful for them, because I can depend on them for absolute calorie intake.

I'm reminding myself that things will get better. Each lb is a lb towards health and being able to have more flexibility with eating.

I can do this. I mustn't punish my body to ease temporary anxiety.

Still obsession with exercise though. That is still my main problem. I think right now, my diagnosis would be not so much Anorexia as it use to be, though this is my main diagnosis, but currently I am purging through exercise. Not to compensate cals...I don't think, I just feel exercise is a quota, a must.

Thus: I am glad I am having the protein bars. Because without them I don't think I'd be gaining.

I'm realizing though that I am not fully responsible for my recovery. I still am responsible and yes, I AM doing the best I can from moment to moment. But the weight gain is from the Protein bars, not from me holding back on exercise.

Where will my recovery be once I take out the Protein bars and am at a normal weight? Will i have to eat more? If I continue with my exercise routine? Will I then lose weight, or gain?

UGH...I must not think about the future. Just focus on today AMY! the future will always be ahead. The present is always what I will be dealing with. So just focus on today, and today's m.p.

I will deal with futures problems in the future. I can only worry about one day at a time.

GOALS:

Exercise below 2hrs.

Don't exercise unless needed, (i.e. walking to bus, to Tam's group, etc...)

Stay with portion sizes.

Plan meals. Stand ground.

Catch myself and fix slip ups.

Be conscious of the moment during meals and be mindful of feelings.

FEELINGS:

Restricting feels like a way to fix the problem. Like I have done something wrong. And restriction's the way to fix it.

This is distorted of course!

Rational Voice: restricting only prolongs the problem. The problem is probably an illusion. Brought on by stress and feeling out of control. I must notice what I feel is problematic/wrong in my life. I must take the food out of the equation for fixing the problem. Food will not help the situation. Food is an object, nutrient's. Nothing that distinguishes strength, will power, worth or accomplishment.

Need to exercise. Feels like productivity. Feels like I am worthy, good, following rules, enduring, accomplished. (Distorted)

Rational Voice: Exercise is not an indicator for control. Exercise is only healthy when you do it moderately. Exercise sometimes controls my life and is getting in the way of real relationships. I can find other things to do to feel productive and to relieve anxiety. Walking will NOT purge away the uncomfortable feelings. Only addressing and working through them will.

Worried about change. Change of routine, not knowing what to expect.

Rational Voice: W.A. will only be for the Summer. I will come back here soon and be back in a familiar place. I will NOT gain a lot in W.A. I am suppose to gain anyways. But I will NOT be forced to eat foods I am uncomfortable with.

Strong fear of being controlled/pressured. Fear of feeling guilt for not partaking in certain family foods in WA.

Rational Voice: No one will control me. I am in control. I will tell them to trust me and my m.p. I am responsible. They can not take on the role of the 're-feeder'. That is MY job, all they can do is be supportive.

Feeling embarrassed/needy for being such a picky eater and needing accommodation.

Rational Voice: My family will understand. I just need to be honest. I must put my recovery's needs first.

I also use exercise as a distraction.

From what?:

Being hungry

Being bored

Meal times

Feeling idle, unproductive

Getting out of the house

Relieves anxiety

Time to think

HOW TO COPE:

Go to park, SIT and read, puzzles, draw etc...

Work on art projects

Clean

Write