Inevitable

Change always happens in my life. I hate it. All I want right now is stability. To depend on something, on someone.

Peggy told me that she is going to retire in August. Sell the house and travel in her truck. Kelly's going to probably move in with Dave and buy a house together. Where do i go now?

I just want to stay in a place where I know what to expect.

Now should I move to WA?

I'm just telling myself that I will be okay no matter where I live. That things will be okay.

Change and not knowing what to expect is a major trigger for me. It brings up feelings of being out of control which leads me to restrict. I'm already noticing warning signs for relapsing.

Restricting food, cutting down portion sizes. Skipping a few exchanges here and there.

I must remind myself food is not the way to cope. Food is out of the equation or fixing the problem. But sadly, restricting causes relief and restricting just feels like it'll some way make things better.

I'm beginning to have the feeling that gaining is wrong, it doesn't feel right. Please Lord help me! I need you.

Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. I still need to talk with Peg and plans things out. Once I know what to expect I can start planning. Even if I live here still after she retires and live with either her or Kelly, things will still be stable right? I can still provide for myself once I get a job, and still attend school. I can work a F/T or P/T job, and have enough income to support my needs.

Every change is temporary, every problem comes and goes, causes temporary discomfort, but recovery is everlasting, and I mustn't postpone and risk my recovery for something that will pass.

Life is full o challenges and new avenues. I can't prevent them and run away. I need to keep on keeping on and continue down the right track.

How to cope:

Clean

Draw

Plan options

Talk with Peg/Kelly

Talk about feelings

Be mindful

Ground myself

Pray

Journal

Exercise (with in moderation)

Take my feelings out of food

FOOD WILL NOT MAKE PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR!

I must recover.

I am still too thin, and need to gain. I will be beautiful and be able to resolve my problems while being healthy and happy.

God and my family will help me through these hard times. I can depend on myself for health and a clear mind.

I just need to keep up awareness of my emotions and keep track of my destructive behaviors.