Weight gain

Horray!

I am very relived actually. First thing in the morning yesterday beforemy apt, I was sure I lost. I was scared and had mixed feelings about either outcome. If I lost, It was a step in the wrong direction, i'd have to change my meal plan and it would add stress. It would be a sign that the ED is still in control and that i was losing the battle.

Weight gain scared me just for the fact that it meant I was changing. But before my apt I was hoping to have gained. I know I hadn't gained a lot, but atleast each lb is a lb in the right direction. One step closer to not needing the pro bars and the extra food.

I did gain, 3 lbs. In a lil' over a month. I was relieved, I see it as getting to my goal. Soon I will be 110 lbs,a healthy weight and be able to maintain it and not worry about my weight fluctuating. it's still hard to imagine my weight being stable. For it's always moved.

I feel a lot better with myself, for having gained then i did last month when i lost. Why? Lack of nutrition causes distorted thinking. Obsession.

My goal is to continue to not over exercise. 90 mins to two hrs a day.

stick with meal plan and a set schedule. Sunny said it doesn't matter what the schedule is, but I know for right now I need ground rules and routine because I'm likely to negotiate and manipulate it.

One day i will be at 110, (or a healthy weight, which ever that is) and be able to maintain. I wont be fat. No one wants me fat. I must trust my Dr's.

Also, I'm happy to know that the weight gain is from the pro bars, not the food. The food I am eating is sometimes difficult because it's hard to plan out every thing in a meal because it calls for more food. I'm looking forward to just being able to eat a regular meal without having to obsess about if its enough.

All the numbers tally up. About 2300 cals/day with moderate exercise leads to one lb a week.

The pro bars equal to 520 extra cals, times 7/days a week and thats about,3600 cals a week extra, equaling to about one lb weight gain/wk.

Im hapy to see the numbers are correct and that I am able to predict a bit more what my body needs to maintain, lose and gain weight. The mystery and fear of unknowing what my body can handle is shining light and it's putting my mind at ease to be able to know the facts.

Since I am a highly factual person who trusts evidence and numbers, I am relieved.

I pray that I accept my new body. To take care of myself.

How to take care of myself:

Sleep enough! Bed time at 11:30pm. Wake at 8-9am.

Stick with m.p.

No over exercising.

Be honest, talk out feelings with Carla/Tam's group/Peg/Kelly/Ruthanne/Jessica, etc.

Stretch/yoga.

Journal.

Be spare with caffeine

Hang with people. (i.e. Rachel, Joe)

Stay busy.

Activities to stay occupied.

Lord, continue to give me clarity. To see myself as authentically beautiful and not be fooled by the Ed.